Jeez, what the hell was I writing yesterday. I’d say I’m more or less fine now after the odd day or so. I’d felt so cold last evening, this cold disgust in myself. That was bothering me to the point of possibly speaking to someone about it but I could never get myself to do that. If anything..- I don’t know.
Regardless, today was a day like any other. Laughs and banter, birthdays and food, deep meaningful conversations, witty sexual comments and punches taken from a girl probably a bit too strong for mine and her own liking. I enjoyed today. Seems like the warm weather is getting to people. Seems like everyone’s happier when the sun’s beating on their faces, nobody’s surprised about that. School was nice.
Later on in the evening I attended badminton at the same place I’d been going recently, along with Tony, Sadian, Le-My and Choi-Ha. The larger the group of friends attending, the more competitive it becomes from what I’ve acknowledged. I’m possibly the opposite in this case, in fact I don’t think I’ve managed to win myself an actual game yet between the friends, and while nobody enjoys losing it’s not of great concern to me. Maybe that’s what’s drifting my thoughts away, that I’m feeling colder towards those around me. That deep down I’m alienating myself.
Perhaps I’m not entirely convivial. I agonised myself from day to twilight convincing such that I have been content with the world outside school and all that revolves around it. Instead I’ve been rather morose, cold, singing the blues if you must than I had been for the past day or week perhaps. If anything I’m far from content, far from pleased with where I’m standing. Life is too long to have made no plans, no earshot goals or desires. It seems the older I get the more things I want to do, more explorations. Seems like these goals, thoughts at ground zero and purpose of action are far from being reached and that all matter around me seem to move at a faster speed than me, accomplish greater than I do. Feels cold inside to hold the thought. Like no matter what I aim to do something is done comparable which outdistances any goal I’d set for myself. It doesn’t feel fair, doesn’t feel right…
I guess I’ve recently expressly been distant deep down. Then again you know me, I’m just assuming, just speculating. That’s all I do.
Thank you for reading.
Take care, thank you and sweet dreams. Good night.