Hey.

Remember how I mentioned I was to attend some project involving photography? Well last night I was contemplating whether to go or not and I ended up sleeping in till 10:30 with the actual project starting at 11. I was like fuck, gotta get up quick and dash out into the bathroom and out into clothing fuck food buy macdonalds breakfast fuck it’s too late they’ll be serving afternoon food who cares.

This old man actually bumped into me on the bus, laughed his head off creepily and as he was getting off he looked back at me and and was like “okay goodbye now” as if he knew me in that sort of creepy tone. god what a creepy old man…

And so anyway I ended up arriving 45 minutes late, like usual, but it seemed like I slipped myself in well. They didn’t seem to mind too much, I think if anything they were glad I came anyhow, the group was really small. Nine or ten tops? Anyhow the project long-story-short is a project in which they wish to both illuminate a bridge in Hackney Central with these vibrant colours and interesting illusion-looking design and to also highlight the theme of “lighting” by creating a slideshow or projection of images and show “light” both metaphorically and literally and displaying it at the medieval tower of St. Augustine in Hackney Central that has been there since the 17th century.  In my opinion it’s a great project and while I’m not the best photographer it was very enjoyable to go out into the community and hold a different perspective within the environment. Normally you wouldn’t take notice of light reflecting off a wall or light seeping through cracks or moss on gravestones gleaming in the light… Plus it gave me an reason to use the image of the River Lea I took some months back. You remember it, right?

Yeah it’s an amazing example of reflection of light and they seemed to love it… In fact they seemed to love a lot of my images. I didn’t think I’d get that much praise and you know me being shit receiving praise and all, I sat there chuckling saying, “thanks, aha” with an awkward expression. Of course not all of them were good though and I guess it was just luck, or maybe I held a unique perspective on all of it. All in all it was a very fulfilling project and I hope to see the unveiling of the illuminating bridge and the display at the tower… And LOL one of our friends there was being hit on by some guy in the park where the tower St. Augustine was situated and aha Tony and Le-My told me to pretend to be her boyfriend and so I walked up to the friend sitting on the bench with the guy talking to her and I said, “hey babe, everyone’s getting ready to go. Come let’s get ready too” and then he looked at me and apologised and I grabbed her hands and we left. LOL fuck that was so funny. He could see our group of friends laughing our heads off too… Kinda felt bad but aha, that’s what you get for hitting on a 17-year old girl.

Anyhoe, we got ourselves onto an incoming bus that took us to the leisure centre we usually go to for badminton. Today there was an event which happens on the last Saturday of each month where loads of youngsters can attend and take part in sports like football, badminton, uh… I’m sorry there were more but I really didn’t give much of a shit. I come for badminton and that’s that. Annoyingly enough there was a massive crowd and queue of little kids around the age of 5/6 perhaps (I exaggerate, they were about 12/13… Or 14 tops) all shouting and screaming and making unnecessary noise and ugh I hate kids like that. So annoying. Took me around thirty minutes to get into the centre and it took Le-My and the lot over an hour and a half because their queue was even longer than mind because they had to sign up to get a membership card first. Luckily I got it the week before. 

I enjoyed myself today thoroughly, I’d say I’ve improved but not enough to win a legitimate match. Like I’ve said in good time. Seems like it’s also a social gathering thing, kinda cool. The people there are cool. I’ll become better.

What I’ve learnt over the years is that I’ve created an approach to social gatherings where I seclude myself in a corner or behind a group of friends, or I walk ahead or just stop talking in general. At first I thought it was just my social awkwardness at times but no, I’ve consciously acknowledged my actions and it seems like I can’t stop myself from doing what I do. If I feel out of place perhaps, I’ll shut up. If it’s not my place to talk or if there’s a discussion I can’t really contribute much to, I’ll close myself up. If I feel like I don’t hold much value in the social gathering then I’ll shut up, close myself up and probably stand at a distance from the group. I’ve learnt these conscious behaviours and it’s the only approach I have for when I’m out of place. I don’t actually even have to be out of place, some moments of silence or particular discussions  where I’m not around and I begin to seclude myself and once that’s happened I just can’t open myself up to the group anymore.

An example would be a little meetup I had with Tony and some friends some years back. Two or three years back perhaps? We headed down to Westminister in Central London and for some reason I couldn’t really contribute much to the whole meetup and I felt like I’d been in the background the whole time and began to seclude myself in the end… At some point I ended up sitting in some park on my own too, that was pretty emotional. But yeah, once I do that there’s no coming back, and that’s the issue with my approach. Eventually I’ll have to get over this child-play, but then again it feels almost like a psychological thing. I remember back in Primary school at times I’d be out of place at times and I’d shut myself up. During P.E. in year 3 perhaps my skinny legs were made fun of and I literally deserted the playground and left myself alone for a while, secluded. So while it is me being a little bitch about things I think it’s a little hard to get over. So that’s that with that. Naked truth to the ears, I had to hear myself tell myself this.

On the way home we passed a Jewish area and it was interesting to see even just the difference in their clothing. Males wore large jackets, a white shirt and either a kippa (the small hats), a tophat looking hat or this fur hat looking sort of object, really oddly shaped… Just a small observation.

Last thing I did on the way home was talk to Tony. It’d been a while since we last spoke deeply about life and things in general, it was a thing we could easily do with each other. I guess I can’t tell him everything though. Some things I’m better telling someone like Sadian or another friend but we tend to discuss really emotional or important things in life. Like I mentioned the whole topic of seclusion to him and it felt right letting him know. Don’t think it was a one sided discussion, Tony caught up with me on his life and aha wow, you wouldn’t have thought someone could change their angle on life in the course of a couple months. People change a lot and it’s really interesting. Glad to have gotten close to him again, we were like oddly close along with Tu and Michael in our small group of friends. Seems like old times again with the addition of Sadian who has quickly become a really close friend. Seems like I cling on to him as I do with the others now too, aha.

All in all taking part in the photography project, playing badminton at the event and the lengthy conversation with Tony on our journey home left my day satisfied.

Life is good.

Thank you for reading.  

Take care, thank you and sweet dreams. Good night.

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.