Y’know, I’ve never had a real an interest in sports until as of recent. That’s an honest thing. Back when I was young we as siblings were never encouraged to play any particular sport, and in primary school it was all about football which, to be frank, I was terribly shit at. My mum didn’t mind all that much either, if I wasn’t interested in sports then so what? What could that possibly do to me or my brothers? My oldest brother played some football along with Emmanuel, but I wasn’t really interested in those at all. I used to try swim but I’d get these cramps in my foot, and at one point I drowned in the pool and had a teacher rescue me. So I wasn’t the most keen when it came to sports, and I guess that mentality was maintained. Hell, I’m sure I would have improved but there’s only so much improvement when you didn’t enjoy playing it all that much. Plus as a child I began to associate the unwanted-ness you got when playing football with the actual sport, and P.E. lessons were pretty bad at times, depending who you got. That’s children for you though.
I do make it sound like I’m constantly a victim though. I wasn’t. Hell, I was loved by everyone in my year and it’s still the same now. But sports definitely wasn’t my thing. If you knew me back in my child days you knew all I cared about was Nintendo, Nintendo, Nintendo. I’m still that now, lol, with a bit of change. But yeah, that mentality has began to change though. I guess the main reason why I didn’t enjoy sports was not only because of the stupid kids pestering me when we used to play football, but also because I just wasn’t good at it. That shouldn’t be a reason to avoid sports though. I loved swimming, I really did. Those cramps got me scared as fuck though, and now it’s been around six years since I’ve last really attempted swimming and I really should get back into it. With badminton and all, it’s been the first sport I’ve actually gotten myself into in a long while, and it’s hard for me to maintain the “keep at it” mentality when you’re constantly a league behind. But that’s only because I think that way and allow myself to succumb to that pessimism I hold dear. Change is healthy, change is key.
Maybe it’s all part of growing up. Getting over old things, even though it is pretty late to start doing. I mean hell, it took me 17 years to actually start sports? Seriously? That’s pretty shitty of me, I’ve wasted years of my life. When I have a child, no doubt I’ll have them love sports, love games, love instruments, love the piano, love sunsets and love the sky and love those small things that mean all that much to me. I’ll want them to share all the things I love, but definitely not miss out on what I missed out on. Hm.
I guess that’s it. I enjoyed myself at badminton today though, though it feels like I’m not acknowledged much. Why would I be? After a month and a half of badminton, I expect myself to be at that level? Ha, I’ll be looking back at this in the latter and think, “god, Christian, honest what the hell? You were a fool to think like that, honestly.” I doubt myself far too much, but lol what difference does optimism make? It leads to arrogance, no?
And on the bus journey home, I stared at the moon, awake in daylight, and I smiled to myself, and the person obstructing my view looked at me, and I smiled back. Every day and every night, I want a reason to smile. I hate feeling out of place, not having sometime to say. Nostalgia, friends, family, love. All reasons to smile. And I’ve got them, all if not missing one or the other.
Anyhow, it’s late, and I’m tired.
Thank you for reading.
Take care, thank you and sweet dreams. Goodnight.
Insanity is sane.