Saturday, September 13, 2014

365 days archive; revisiting 365.

To visit older entries of 365 days, enter the url of my blog along with the tagged number. For example: would take you to 300/365.  /tagged/232 to 232/365.

Don’t start from the beginning. 

Until next time.

Monday, February 10, 2014

365 days epilogue: our endless numbered days.

"There are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days"

"And for those perhaps reading this for the very first time: hello. I’m FallenLegacy (or Christian), and this is my 365 days. A seventeen-year-old Londoner; I don’t know how to use a semicolon or commar properly and my grammar is terrible. You might find my life a little weird, but I hope you enjoy the journey as much as I have.” - 366/365.

Seeing as the League of Legends server is currently down I might as well start this. Daniel is hovering behind me so I do feel a little restricted to say what’s on my mind but he’ll move eventually. I was supposed to write this back before university started and I’ve drafted it enough, but I put it off too many times and now here I am. But I am so glad I’ve kept it till now because life has progressed a lot since summer and since my final entry. And so I will split this into segments, starting from my life at the end of my final entry up until the present. 

This is an epilogue to my 365, to our endless numbered days.

part i; tinyowl. 31st December 2013.

California Daze and The Suburbs.

I’ve yet to visit Seven Kings Sixth Form. After leaving for university the guilt of it all and embarrassment has prevented me from returning there. I plan to visit it eventually. In good time though.

Life was peculiar after the 9th of February 2013. Special… Life was special for me after the 9th of February. I won’t bother you much with the details of school, because looking back on it, I had exceptional days at that school, and exceptionally shit days also following February. But I don’t care for those much anymore. What I’ll be describing to you are the relationships created as a result of Seven Kings, what happened and why they happened post-365. That’s how I’ll begin this epilogue. But bear with me; everything in our own life interlinks and everything is interwoven, and so I’ll struggle to write this linearly. That and I haven’t posted an entry into my 365 in almost a year so my writing skills are pretty bad right now. But bear with me. 

To start with, March was a month of a shit ton of parties for some reason. Probably because it was the last time we (should have) would have been able to before exam season, but also because a lot of birthdays took place then (Sadian included). There was one particular party that was at Danielle’s house which changed a lot of things. To start with, a group on Whatsapp called Men was created. Mind the name of the group, because at the time nobody expected it to have the longevity and impact that it would on our lives. Sadian called the group Men when he created it and it was initially Sadian, Rittim, Agim and me in the group, and it was made to discuss the parties that we were going to in March. It survived, and now (present) includes Tu (post SK), Shobikkan and Mikael, too. Since then it has been our social hub and we essentially became a group in school. All our friends would refer to us lot as Men. Like, “where’s the rest of Men?”. It didn’t bother us, I thought it was pretty handy. That party was awesome though. I barely recall much, but I recall that at one point being so drunk, doing the Worm in her living room, I flipped over onto my back, kicked myself up on to my feet and then punched and broke her chandelier. Truly a hysterical night. 

It’s also the day I first kissed Owl as sober as an owl. I’m calling her Owl not only because she loves owls, but because I’d rather keep her anonymous. I feel it wouldn’t be fair naming her everywhere. If you know my life well enough and have read enough of my 365 then you’re probably aware of who it is though.

By that point I didn’t know what to do, but I had known one thing for sure, and it was that I had feelings for her and these feelings were real. I don’t know where these feelings had come from - she didn’t either, if you wanted to know. But the universe progressed things in ways we just couldn’t understand. Following that kiss at Rebecca’s, our friendship continued as well as could be, and we grew more close. I teased her more in lessons, she picked back at me and we generally spent time together. But I knew I had feelings for her. Spending many days after school with her sorting out my planner - how cute those days were - following that day my time with her felt all the more special. I truly still cherish those moments I’d spent with her. But I was unsure of it all, unsure of us, what was going on and how it’d affect us.

I missed the opportunity with a girl all too truly beautiful for the world to see. Our numbered school days continued as two confused friends in an environment unfit for us both. Truthfully, she was someone I could see myself with for a period so unfathomably long, but I felt as though something like that during that period of my life wasn’t what I wanted. One day following exams, what had started as a confusion created a night of turbulence. A night of truly fluid, rapid passion. But it only emphasised greatly on the confusion and despondency of our emotions we’d built for the past two school years. I’d basically come over hers a night before a couple of friends and I were to hang at hers. She needed help with cleaning up and I wasn’t exactly doing anything that night, and so I came over. At this point we had established that what was between us had to stop, and I was slowly becoming okay with that. Okay because it was hurting her more than I could ever imagine. Okay because it was easier to accept that I was too immature and lustful than to accept that I could have been with her. I blame myself wholly for she was much more certain than I was. But neither of us expected this.

I went over and we cleaned up a little more and then watched a part of The Help - a book I’d recently finished (brilliant book), and then August Rush. In life you associate events with “things”, like certain sensations or smells or emotions, but I’ll forever associate that night with August Rush. And fans. Rainfall, too. I won’t actually describe the night here because I’d like to keep it as it was, innocent and between the two of us. Innocence so unwavering, all I wanted was to hold and kiss her that night in the infinite bliss that was that moment. And so I imagine that a night with fans, August Rush and rainfall so deafening will rain upon me a relapse of emotions so strong, so beautifully intense that I’ll huddle myself into a corner, enter into a ball of nostalgia until the nostalgia dissipates into tiny, minuscule particles, only to be collected and put together again by associations so disconnected, so unmeaning. That’s how I felt at the time. But those feelings are no longer felt, and I’m okay with that. Time waits for nobody, and I’m okay with that. I will never not be happy that what happened happened, and we shared what we shared. And I’m happy with that. What was happening was wrong, sure, but I feel as though neither of us regret what happened. We are who we are today because of what happens in our lives.

We knew it was wrong, and we’d known this for a long time now. We stopped all of it, we’d stopped it all for so long up until her birthday party in August. But I’ll stop there for now, because I’ll get to that in the next part of the epilogue: summer. She had a big impact on my life at the time and so she’ll be very prominent in this epilogue up until university, and there’ll be other themes running throughout the epilogue. Life was special after the 9th of February for me because of her. The human mind is truly a mystifying concept, capable of recollecting emotions once felt so long ago, capable of analysing all that occurred and then allowing me to articulate the beauty of it all as words to be then analysed by those that read it. Truly a mystifying thing the mind is.

part ii; summer. January - 14th January 2014.

Pink Floyd, The Suburbs (and The Suburbs Continued), Tame Impala - Feels Like We Only Go Backwards, and Chance The Rapper - Brain Cells. The Sea and Seaside.

Mind you this summer was in no way as fun as the previous (I don’t know, but last summer really has a place with me) but it was definitely an awesome summer. Again, bear with me on the linearity of things. I didn’t go out as much but when I did and when we all did it was such a blast. As soon as we’d left Seven Kings, I began to see a lot of my friends a lot less. The majority of them I’d never really expected to talk to much after sixth form ended, sure, but I grew more distant very fast. I was okay with it though, I was. In summer we often enough just went to parks as Men with Harry and Florence and Zahrah even and a few others, get high and act so youthful and stupid. We’d go to Victoria Park, get really high and just slide down the massive slide, or sit by the pond. I really enjoyed sitting at the pond Leina and I broke up at. It’s a really nice pond. Or we’d all gather together at the Westfield in Stratford and hang till midnight and later, until the security are kicking us out, or visit Hyde Park late at night and stay there super drunk till the early hours of the morning. Men really became the true social hub for me, and they were more or less my best friends along with Tu (I think he was in Men at this point), Tony and Michael. It was really such a happy random period of my life initially. There was this one occasion when we visited a lake down in Hainault and we were so baked on Amnesia (or Power Plant or Lemon Haze, idk my memory is hazy [geddit?{you better geddit}] that I can barely remember the day. At one point I was lost in the forest, lost in my own mind accompanied by the music held on my hand. Another moment we were all sitting by the lake, and god knows what I was thinking of the time. But I was so… happy. 

Also, Tarryk got me into a rapper called Chance The Rapper. Never in my life did I realise how crazy an influence that rapper would have either. It was a summer day as any other and Tarryk had come over to show his face because it’d been a while. He asked me if I’d heard of a rapper called Chance The Rapper. Chance The Rapper? No chance. What a peculiar name it was. He took me off my seat, hopped onto YouTube and searched him up and got me listening. Smoke Again was the first song, then Cocoa Butter Kisses, then Juice, and then he eventually left. That was that. His work was done. He set in stones what would soon be the next big music thing for me. I love Chance The Rapper. He’s truly one of the greatest music artists I’ve listened to, period. His lyricism and metaphors and word play is absolutely mind blowing, and it’s all rapped above the most diverse melodies you’ve yet to hear in rap, really implementing soul, jazz, acid jazz, psychedelics and the whole. And he’s constantly tripping. Chance is a fully tripped rapper, and it’s who he is and what makes him the 2013 Rapper of the Year. Oh, and whilst Tarryk got me into Chance, Mikael got me heavily into the psychedelic scene I’d somehow missed out all my life. Man, that music be tripped.

Anyway so life in general was moving steadily. I still attend True Colours, and I’ve seen Mr. Paul two or three more times since, and that’s cool. I still can’t believe that I mentioned him in my entries and all of a sudden I’m having a conversation with the teacher that disappeared from our lives almost ten years ago. There’s a lot of new volunteers now, including Georgina’s friend Gillian whom I grew really fond of, and people I met post-365 at the nearby Ilford Library. The same members are still around and there are additional faces, but it varies on a weekly basis. 

One of my best experiences in summer was actually with people from True Colours. Unlike Winter Wonderland of which only I attended, I along with the other volunteers of True Colours like Sadian and Georgina and Gillian came along on the trip to Thorpe Park. There were so many reasons as to why it was such a good day - using disability access for every ride (literally went on every major ride at least three times [I’m not even kidding {he’s not even kidding}]), the aestival weather, the members having such a good time. Also roaming Thorpe Park with the power of disability access in our hands [every ride {not even kidding}] felt pretty good. I remember the last time I went there the queues were so long I’d barely gone on anything. We’d gone on so many rides Gillian and Georgina grew sick of Sadian and I, but they enjoyed it as much as we did. It was a summery day, the air humid and the painted blue sky above our heads, and it was my best experience at Thorpe yet. I doubt there’ll be any better any time soon.

I’m also still great friends with Choi-Ha and Le-My, and Le-My’s actually currently at Oxford studying French and Italian which is incredible. I see the two of them from time to time, but it really is as if nothing has changed. We’re all still the friends we are, and I’m glad it’s how it is.

Martin is also a doctor now and no longer lives with us. Emmanuel is working towards an accounting degree and I’m currently studying law, but I’ll get to that. Oh, and Daniel is the second tallest in the house now (just under me).

Where I am now in the timeline (fuck linearity) is where I stopped in the previous entry: Owl’s birthday. Like I said, by then I had accepted I’d done more harm than good and I was okay with the two of us. Plus we were still great friends, and we’re still good friends now. Come her party and it’s pretty much a Seven Kings reunion and everyone’s drunk and everyone’s doing there own thing. I think at one point I had a cheeky kiss with Florence but other than that I enjoyed the good spirits everyone was in. Agim and Mikael were being cockblocked by Rittim, Sadian was on a pursuit of happiness with a particular somebody, and I - well, I was just doing my own thing, drifting from group to group just enjoying it all. At one point near the end of the night I went upstairs, and from here on my memory is very hazy. I don’t know if I went up and met Owl upstairs, or Owl and I met downstairs before going upstairs, or if Owl met me upstairs, or if I met her whilst going back downstairs, but we met upstairs. And what I thought had ended long ago did indeed relapse, and caught in this finite moment of intoxication and tension was a kiss. Guilt hit her, but me? I was drowning in a flood of… of brief happiness. She was very upset with herself that she had done what she had done, and she blamed herself, but for what reasons I couldn’t accept. I was just so thankful that I wasn’t the only one between the two of us that hadn’t let go completely. I accepted we were done, but I couldn’t accept that feelings were gone. They would go eventually, but I knew not how long it would take, and clearly it was going to take a little longer. But I was now truly okay, I was okay that it would take a little longer and I’d no longer be able to hold her face between my hands and kiss her forehead the way I once did. For a moment, I truly was okay.

Results day came some time after and it hit bad. I actually didn’t get the grades to attend LSE and at the time it was really, really stressful. For a couple of weeks I didn’t know if I was going university or not, and that’s a stressful situation to be in. Mikael, Sadian and I were so stressed and so we went to Valentines Park near our school and smoked the rest of what we had from a recent meet up. It’s funny, we’d forgotten for a moment about the stresses of the world around us, and we climbed the trees and danced like idiots and listened to music out loud and just did what we felt was comfortable at the time, because we were uncomfortable with life. Constant phone calls from my family, constant texts, if not for the time we had at the park I’d have probably crashed. Looking back, I probably wouldn’t have, but it felt like that definitely at the time. I’m currently at SOAS (and loving it), but I’ll also get to that, because there’s yet more before my life arrived at where it is now.

Then came what I consider to be the longest 48 hours of my life. I don’t know how I feel about this period, but it’s definitely affected my life in uncanny ways. It changed me and I did things I thought I didn’t have in me, and just the thought of writing it all down makes me feel all edgy and brittle. What it was was essentially an initial long day, followed by a night of clubbing, followed by a whole day tripping on a psychedelic. I’d gotten no sleep in that 48 hours, but I’ll get onto it in my next part.

It feels so weird having moved past all of this, past all these feelings…

part iii; life and all things tripped. 14th Jan - 10th February 2014.

The present day is Tuesday the 14th of January, 2014. Procrastinating this only makes it more tedious to write, but the longer I procrastinate the more experiences I go through and the more I’m able to talk about. For example, last week I happened to be at the right place at the right time and helped save someone who had just experienced a seizure/fit on the spot… but I’ll get to that.

The present day is now Sunday the 26th, almost two weeks after I last attempted to finish this. Every time I return to my drafts it reminds me of how cathartic writing is. Each attempt allows me to write a little more, and in writing a little more I express the experiences I experience in life. After a part is done, a drop of happiness sinks into the void of a stomach I tend to feel like I have. I’ve also accepted that this will take quite a while to finish. 

Something quick I want to add: I feel like I don’t belong in any particular group of friends sometimes. I’m sure many people feel like that now and then in life. But I’m rather okay with this. I’m okay with that currently knowing that I am presently happy, because I know that when the feeling of social irrelevancy hits home it indeed creates a void in your stomach when you feel alone, depressed and broken in a solitary environment. The worst part is it is ourselves who create the feeling of companion-lessness. That’s the worst time to feel like you do not belong. But as long as I am indeed presently happy, know all the outstanding things that need to be done, and I do things that make me happy, then I am happy. Men is a part of me, along with Le-My and Choi and all other people I consider close, but seldom do I see them nor feel as though I can message them and truly speak on a genuine best friend level about my life. Perhaps the day will come when I have someone I can talk to at any time of the day about my life, how I feel, what I want to feel and what I feel like others are thinking about. I don’t mean a soul mate but the closest equivalent to one. Whether that’ll happen to me, I’ll never know. Whether I’m in the process of that happening, I’ll never know. Life works in ways we don’t understand. But my life is different now and so are the lives of the friends I’ve grown close to. Time waits for no one and so I will live life conscious of their existence but similarly conscious of life without their presence, because I can’t rely on the past that slowly distances itself further. Living in a wavelength where I only feel as if I’m going backwards. And that makes me a little sad, but I must constantly look ahead, keep my head up and be happy. Because I absolutely love just being happy. I live life on a pursuit of happiness, and living a happy life is living a light life.

Kingdom Hearts Piano Collections - 2nd Mov. Kairi - Andante Sostenuo.

The period I’ll be detailing is between Monday the 16th and Wednesday the 18th, September 2013. I assume you’ll hate me for my felt emotions and the stupidity for doing what I did. This period is particularly hard to describe, not only because I can be pretty bad with words, but also the essence of the period doesn’t lend itself well for description for my level of articulation. I along with the group of friends you’re familiar with from Seven Kings went clubbing near Leicester Square. But what should have been a night of reunions and nostalgia ended up being the opposite. Serena and Harry had quarreled throughout that night, and I saw something I question whether I’m glad to have saw that night, even till this day. I don’t know why I cared so much, why I had this horrible inkling of an itch of a feeling, but I did, and thinking about that “feeling” in itself really does make you feel like curling up into a ball. That night I had this inkling to find Owl. Looking back on the night I can with enough certainty recall that I didn’t want anything to happen between us. I thought I was finally done and over with the past, that I’d have a really great night with everyone. I wanted to run up onto the right floor, find her free and happy in her moment with friends and strangers alike, and perhaps that is what killed me most when I did find her, because I found her in the arms of the person whom out of all her friends could truly do just that. Not only in arms, but the two of them within their own embrace creating a space in time and existence where the only things relevant was that moment being shared. All things fell silent- a quietness unaffected by the deafening noises of life around us all had drowned all existence out of my care. My eyes saw what they had seen and I had to accept what I had just seen and accept to continue moving onwards. But I felt no clarity within intoxication. 

The Maine - Whoever She Is.

It’s interesting looking back at that exact point, because I recall not being angry or upset or lost, but confused. I had never experienced something like this before and I was unsure of how to react to what my vision was seeing. I walked away initially, found myself somewhere to sit on a different floor and spaced out. Lord knows how long I spaced out as drunk as I were, but I’d returned from where my mind had taken me no different from when I sat down. I was confused. Surely I was over Owl? I’d seen this coming, I always knew something like this would happen eventually, so why the confusion? And in a fit of confusion, and confusion only, I did what I’d seen people upset in dramas and films do and just began to punch the walls nearby me over and over. Over and over and over and over. Over and over till I told myself what I was doing was stupid and that it wasn’t helping at all. Hands numb, uncontrollably shaking and my knuckles shattered, little had changed. Little had changed but I had to see her alone, I had to share an embrace with her one last time. Hold her within my arms knowing that once I let go I’d only relapse back into the immature, lustful, jealous and envious self I knew I was. 

I never did see her alone that night. I’d only waste time describing more of that moment because all I did for the rest of the night was chase around the club trying to find friends, but at the same time hoping to see her. I did end up meeting really cool people because of the events that took place, but I don’t want to say much more about it. I thank Tu, Rittim, Agim and Hussain particularly that night; their presence and company were duly felt.

That same night I dropped Serena home, hopped onto the same bus as Tu at around four or five in the morning towards Plaistow and stayed on after he’d gotten off. I stayed on and travelled around London that night, hopping from bus to bus, drifting in and out of consciousness recovering myself mentally as the hours went on. I wasn’t angry or upset, and I was no longer confused either. I took life as it came and just toured around the place, and I thank the events of life for that because it was a lovely journey.

You’ll hate me for saying also this but today is now the 10th of February and I intend to finish this today. I’ve clearly been going into this in far too much detail for my own good, and so I’ll be more direct about it all. Also what I didn’t realise until Tu notified me just now was that today is also the one-year anniversary of my 365. Ha, how about that?

Chance The Rapper - Brain Cells.

That same morning having travelled all around the place I arrived at Rittim’s house around nine. I continued to drift in and out of consciousness until Mikael arrived, Tu following swiftly. We all took what’s considered a strong tab of LSD and for the subsequent 14 hours experienced an infinite consciousness of vivid adventures and mystical hallucinations in a space where none of it was actually happening at all. We’d been meaning to try it out and we did, and I’m glad we did because the experience truly united us greater and made us greater friends because of it. Sadian arrived later on but he remained sober for the sake of having one sober person. I’ll never be able to truly explain my experience, but Tu and I came up with a line that may not mean much to the average person, but to us summed up an experience infinite in finite space in a way so simple:

"When you’re there it’s infinite. But when you’re here, it’s nothing."

And it’s the most simple line with a simple concept and meaning, but Tu and I came up with it on the bus journey to Rittim’s workplace (we’d just left his house). Watching kaleidoscopic rainfall trickle down the windows, we had peaked (well I’d peaked, Tu had his tab after us) and was coming down, and as the altered consciousness began to revert and the world shift back into everyday beta reality, you felt the infinite of it all trickle down into nothingness. The world no longer had a life of its own; it no longer inhaled nor exhaled, pharaohs no longer danced along the walls, waves no longer crashed above my head and I no longer walked the surface of the purple desert, watching nebulae explode in exquisite, graceful detail. Nothing but the power of the mind. The good trip was beautiful but I eventually succumbed into a bad trip later on that night. The Owl situation, not having slept the previous night and the culmination of just about every possible problem I could think of that I had in my life at the time all hit on my journey home. I irrationally believed that I would not survive that night and I’m forever reminded of that night whenever I look at the curtains in my room. Though it has flowers all over it, that night the irrationality of it all had distorted the flowers to appear as flying skull-heads wearing eye patches. There was much more to the night but it’s best I keep the incomprehensible void to myself. Worst night of my life, but a mystical, fascinating experience that has truly shaped my mind. For the better or worse? I don’t know. Though at the same time, I do. 

"Here’s a tab of acid for your ear."

part iv; transitions in life. (draft in progress)

Good Ass Intro.

Transitions in life are always weird. You never really know what to expect but that’s the best part of it really. I love picking up a book I know nothing about or a movie hyped up so much I similarly know nothing of to then absolutely love what I experienced. Initially having mixed feelings considering I’d missed my grade for LSE and not particularly being in the greatest of places, I knew this transition would be a peculiar one. I’ll stop with all this grumbling though and get right into it.

I study at SOAS where Emmanuel once went (he’s also somehow well known and I might get to that if I remember) and I’m really glad I do. And I mean that with as much sincerity as I can possible give. Law is a bitch but it’s manageable and I enjoy what I’m studying. It’s been a whole term now and whilst it isn’t the most conventional of universities (it’s alternative as fuck, man) I’ve had amazing experiences so far. Probably the reason why I love it as much as I do is because of the friends made, but also because everyone at SOAS is so relaxed and chill and the common room is ridiculously chill and that’s generally the vibe of it all.

Man, writing this is really, really hard. I’m gonna just go with the flow and try get through this. This part is probably the least dense.

Some time in first term my Tumblr inbox got a hit and the question was “Who are your closest/good friends?” Excluding friends before SOAS, if I had to name three people from university it’d have to be Ilyeh, Zeki and Emile hands down. I met the three of them in that order but I love them equally. There are many names I can throw at you of friends I value and appreciate from SOAS, but I’d begin to throw out names and feel as though I’m devaluing those I haven’t mentioned which isn’t the case. I’d like to believe that they know who they are and that they recognise their relevancy and importance in my life, because I fail to do so myself sometimes and it’s a flaw I wish to change. I met Ilyeh on the third day of Freshers Week and I was too high (I was at Paloma’s just before the event at the SOAS bar, another friend of mine I met from my Law course, and yeah, she’s cool) to react to her leaping in front of me and asking if my name was Christian. We eventually headed back to the SOAS halls Dinwiddy where we met Zeki, and we all clicked instantly; I slept over his the fist time meeting him. I find out he also likes Chance The Rapper? Mate. I met Emile during my first law tutorial the following week who just so happened to sit next to me. We all then met outside in front of the Hare Krishna line that same day, I introduced Zeki and Ilyeh to Emile and from then on became the quartet we are. We’re all different and alike in our own ways. Zeki’s that half Sudanese who’s the eldest out of us, Ilyeh’s from a heap of countries, and Emile’s French who would be in the year below if he were to have entered university with our schooling system. But it makes no difference to our lives because I feel pretty equal in each others’ eyes. I know in the last part of my epilogue I stated that I don’t really feel as though I belong in much of anywhere? Now and then, sure, but it isn’t the case with the four of us.

I transitioned well.

part v; here and now. (draft in progress)

Friendly Fires - Pala, Iron and Wine - Your Fake Name Is Good Enough For Me. 

It’s been quite the feat detailing a whole year in parts, and I definitely consider the former part to have been my weakest, but this is the end. I’m nearly done, and I end on a five. That’s a peculiar thing for me, the number five that is. My birth correlates with fives, my door number is compromised of fives, my Zodiac number is apparently five, and things tend to work for me on the fifth go. Peculiar if you ask me, and people tend to comment on it too. Anyway the title for this part is actually taken from the book Island by Aldous Huxley, his farewell novel about the happenings of a shipwrecked Englishman on Pala, an imaginary island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, and this is the direction this final segment will take. Here and now. Life and all things relevant. Also, the title of my epilogue is taken from the 2004 album by Iron and Wine: Our Endless Numbered Days.

"One of the many unusual features of Pala are specially trained birds - mynah birds - whose sole function is to loudly screech out “Here and now! Here and now!” at random intervals." 

The novel is by far my favourite novel read so far (not that I’ve read that many), and it has a personal place with me because of how much of an impact it had not only in first term, but my mindset and how I feel about life and the world around me. A bit of trivia: the album Pala by Friendly Fires is actually inspired by the book and the album is even better having read it. I definitely recommend the book to anyone with any spare time and I’d recommend it instantly. I’ve read a couple of other novels recently too; Brave New World, 1984, The Help, Wonder, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, and I’m currently reading Walden by David Henry Thoreau. I tell myself to devote more time to leisure reading but I’ve lacked commitment and it is a shame because the number of books I want to read is piling up. University also lends itself well to giving you a lot of free time to do your own thing but I end up just playing a lot of League of Legends, going out a lot and lazing around with the quartet and others a lot. But that’s about it with me and books…- Well, not quite.

I’m not one to enter into relationships on impulse and that’s probably evident having read my 365. Personally I just don’t find myself in the situation where I’m suffering from feelings so intense for someone that it’s all I can propose from them. Seldom do I meet someone I’d truly want to be forever bound to. I say this because half way through first term I did end up having a relationship. I won’t name her for the same reasons I won’t name Owl, but her name was very prominent in Island. We had quite the mutual friends too, her having gone to a sixth form not too far from my own. In fact her name popping up in the book was the very conversation topic that had us talking often (other than the fact that she was the first girl I met that also loved Chance The Rapper [that was more than enough to be honest]), discussing my take on the mind, transcendentalism, psychoactive substances, self-knowledge and various other major themes within the book. I loved the interest she took in these things and the interest she took in my opinion of these things and, oddly enough, it worked. We met on a night out whilst crashing at a friend’s halls, shared a bed (literally) and just discussed things through the night. She was someone I could converse with for hours on end and the friendship we had was a friendship I appreciated. But I was a little too rash and jumped into a relationship on impulse not realising how it would affect my life, her own and those around us also. It lasted no longer than a month and was the first time I’d split up with someone. It’s a heartless thing to have to do and I- I don’t know. If you ask me, I’m to enter into a relationship where I’ve fallen so hard for my other half that I would not be able to comprehend a reason to break up. She had the title and beauty of a goddess and truly deserved more than I could ever give as a person. Mind you I don’t believe I was a bad boyfriend, I was just an unsure boyfriend that wasn’t really sure what he was doing in a relationship two months into my first term of university.

Oh by the way, at the end of last term I went to the F*ck Me It’s Christmas event which was probably one of my most interesting nights out. I say this because Leina (and Kakay), Owl and my recent ex were all there at once, and at one point were all dancing with each other. Not only that but Men and the extended friend group along with Choi-Ha was there too. Pretty crazy if you ask me. I think the girls took pictures together too? I’m not too sure, but I was in good spirits and none of it bothered me at all. I met old friends I hadn’t seen in years that night along with Yusuf and his girlfriend. Rittim’s friends from his university in Kent came down too who are, by the way, really cool. We all hung again recently for the most recent F*ck Me event and it was just as great. 

I wasn’t always in good spirits though. Sadly during first term I felt as though I was breaking down a little mentally. Things that typically didn’t creep me out would scare me easily, the guilt of kissing the lips of someone I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with hit me a lot, and for a while I believed I was either a little schizophrenic or suffering from substance-induced psychosis. If anything, symptoms of the latter might be the case but all is well. It wasn’t then but it is now. Subsequent to Island I would meditate often, drift into that empty space and tried to take on the idea of Satcitananda in my own way, trying to find the answer to things in life I gave up finding from other people. And it helped, it really did. “This sublimely blissful experience of the boundless, pure consciousness is a glimpse of ultimate reality.” I wasn’t sure of ultimate reality, but I was done with living with so much plaguing my mind. I recall the morning after the Christmas event having slept over Rittim’s with his Kent friends and Choi-Ha, walking outside and absorbing this breathtaking sky. Contrails pierced the sky painted with flattened clouds in the distance and voluminous ones appearing close to us. The moment didn’t last long but it was a distinct moment of subjective bliss that lasted for the rest of that day. And that’s how I want to live life- in bliss.

But that’s that with that. Not much else has gone on in my life since then. I saw Bastille before the end of the last year and one journey home after visiting Le-My Sadian and I came across this cold cat wandering the canals and following us as we headed home. It eventually left, but it was adorable enough to want to document here. I don’t know, I’m just trying to think of all the things I said I’ll get back to because I know there’s a lot I haven’t gotten back to. If this epilogue and 365 days ever does make it somewhere, be sure to remind me then of the things I said I’ll get back to. And if I can’t get back to you with them, then you win some and you lose some. Helping save that man’s life though: I don’t know, it sort of happened and I was just there at the right moment at the right time for him. Things in life don’t happen for a reason. They happen out of pure coincidence of our interwoven events in life. I just so happened to leave the university library at that said time, walked at that said speed and noticed this said man suffering from a fit. I’m just glad he’s okay. Andreas was his name or something close enough to that.

Having started this two years ago as a 16 year old and now being 18, soon 19, I suppose it’s a fitting end to the beautiful wonders of life in these past two years. Life and all things nice.

I suppose you can call this an epilogue, but this is not the end. And who knows, maybe another chapter of 365 days will unfold… Honestly, who knows.

"I look back and- and it has gone so fast. So fast."

"It really has",

"So, so fast."

"It was a happy fast so <3",


"It was a happy fast".

Thank you for reading, and as always, take care.


Until Tomorrow,


Sometimes I can’t believe it, I’m moving past the feeling. Sometimes I can’t believe it, I’m moving past the feeling again”

Sunday, February 10, 2013

To revisit older entries, type in the url of my blog into the address bar along with the tagged number. For example: would take you to 300/365.

Just don’t start from the beginning, pick a random entry.


Saturday, February 9, 2013

366/365; i did start on a leap year, after all.

 “Good times for a change. See, the luck I’ve had could make a good man turn bad. So please, please, please, let me, let me, let me… Let me get what I want this time. Haven’t had a dream in a long time. See, the life I’ve had could make a good man bad. So for once in my life let me get what I want. Lord knows, it would be the first time… Lord knows, it would be the first time.”

The first time I woke up today was at 6:45 and the snoozes lasted until 7:45, at which I got up out of bed and onto the computer. And I usually check my school email to see if new offers were coming in. And one did, and it was from the London School of Economics (LSE) and because it was the morning time I could do little but silently scream inside. Emmanuel had just come home from a party and was still partly awake and when I told him he was silently screaming, too. I hope when Martin checks his phone he’ll silently scream a little in St. Lucia, too. I’m really glad I got the offer too because it’s one of the best universities in the UK. Top five, actually. Which is really good. And so I’ve received my offers from SOAS, Kings (KCL) and LSE, and I’m still waiting on UCL and Bristol. To be honest, I’d love to go to LSE or UCL out of the five, but to have received the other offers really does boost your motivation. Today came off to a good start and I guess it just got better and better.

On the way to Valentine’s Park I stumbled across a couple of people jogging in my area and at one point there were quite a few pigeons flying overhead. I get a little paranoid when that happens- it’s as if they have this dying urge to shit on you. This one time in Leytonstone I came across an old friend of mine I spent a week with at this summer school for Law that I went to in 2011 at LSE. And while I was talking to him a bird suddenly shat on him. That’s what got me so paranoid. That and nobody wants shit on their head.  And anyway the bus driver of the first bus greeted all that got on the bus with a “Good morning” and thanked us as we tapped our Oyster cards. Rarely do you have kind bus drivers. Remember when my Oyster card hadn’t arrived yet and that kind driver let me on? I occasionally have him as my driver, and if we catch eye contact we nod every now and then. But I rarely see him and he doesn’t exactly affect my life much anyway. But those small things that help you through the days all add up eventually. They always add up eventually.

And whilst waiting for the second bus, this one man stood way too close to me and stared into my eyes. For a good five seconds we stared at each other and it was hard to break eye contact, it really was. I don’t know what his problem was. And next to us was this man going through a bin’s cigarette disposal thing, lifting it so all the thrown away buds land in his hands. It must take desperation on a next stage to have to do something like that. Anyway, turns out the twins moved the jogging time to half nine, or ten. And I’d forgotten, and so I was there about 45 minutes early. And instead of sitting around doing nothing I started the jog myself and before they arrived I had myself take two laps around the park. Past the small lake, around all the way to the end of the park, back round, a turn to the right down to the other pond in the park and all the way back to the start. That took approximately 15 minutes each time. I first did a 15, then a 20. I then cycled on the outside gym equipment for 15 minutes before Anglina and Lavina arrived. Sadian soon came and thus headed off on the same journey. It’s a shame Krishan didn’t come, if I’m to hang out with the library lot it might as well be the library lot in full. We did the same journey two more times, so I effectively did it four while they did two. And Lavina was struggling a lot, but it was okay. Depending on who was with her we’d walk with her a little before pushing her to jog some more. If they keep at it they’ll be sure to achieve what they want from this. I calculated the journey, and having gone around it four times, it came to a total of around eight miles. That’s around thirteen kilometres. That’s pretty damn good if you ask me. What a way to end the year, with a pretty good morning jog. But that’s not the end of my day yet, no, not at all. 

When I got back home drenched from the rain my mum was in the kitchen preparing some food and she questioned why I was so wet. I told her I went for a morning jog, hugged her, then placed my cold hands on her. She shrieked a little and we laughed. And I hugged her which I don’t do often. I don’t know- if you ask me, mothers should get as much love as is possible. I could smell the food cooking and so I prepared some rice and helped cut with onions. And while that was going on she was on the phone to a friend of hers who wanted to talk to me. He was trying to talk to me about getting a girlfriend and I swear, my mother laughed so hard it was unbelievable. I mean, you don’t expect a mother to break out into a full-blown laugh. And then she told her friend to not act silly and that I’m still young, and that I have many “lady friends”. Why she added that, I don’t know. But she then went on to say that I make friends easily and that made me smile a little. She told her friend how I have friends over a lot and how they’re of all different races. And she then said she was happy that I’ve got a lot of friends, and I said I was happy too. She said they make your journey in life easier and better, and I said they did, too. And then I told her that she’d slimmed a little, and that once I head to university, and Martin from next year starts working full-time as a doctor, and Emmanuel comes out of university with his degree in economics, she should take time out to gym, eat better and take care of her body more. Saunas, spas, walks, jogs. And she said she’ll want me to take her jogging one day. One day, aha. Not any time soon, but one day. I hugged her again and left the kitchen. That’s all I ask for from my mother to be honest, just a small conversation here and there. I like the relationship us siblings have with our mother. We’re not too unbelievably close that I detail to her about girlfriends, or girl friends, but we’re not too distant that we can’t even talk to each other. I like how we are as a family, and I’m grateful for what we are as the five of us… The Edobor Five…

I’m sorry, that was so bad…

And when the food was prepared and my dish filled, I ate. And it was so fulfilling following that jog. And I thank whatever it is- be it mere chance, or by some divine entity that my life is how it is now. That I’m able to sit down and eat comfortably. That I’m able to walk home from a morning of jogging, enter into a warm house and hug my mum. That I’ve got three other siblings whom I get along with so well. And that they’re also doing so well. I’m really, really thankful.

And after lounging around for too long a moment, I then headed out to Chloe’s house. You may or may not remember, but the last time the group of us went to Chloe’s house was back in summer, and her house has four floors. Remember? Perhaps not, but still. I had a really good time then and I assumed I’d enjoy myself just as much as I did then. Also, remember that cat that I saw months ago sitting outside my door who I just saw again recently? Well I saw it again today. I know it’s the same cat because it recognises me now. I reach out for it, it purs at me and walks toward me. It isn’t a stray cat though. I know it’s someone’s cat, I just can’t put a finger on whose cat is it.
The journey to Chloe’s meant travelling the same journey I’d take to the library in Hackney, or the same journey to whenever we all hung out in London Fields. I enjoyed that library a lot, I really did. Remember those two older girls I met at that library? Abbie was her name. Abbie and her friend. Damn, I really wish that I got her number. I really should have. Also the fact that I met Kevin, Yusuf and Abdullah there. Time sure does pass fast. The journey also takes me past the home of that woman in her seventies that I met on the bench in summer as we waited for the same bus to come. Scorching hot; our backs blazed, and so did our conversation. And hey, this is the bus journey where Abdullah and I began discussing that story for a film and novel. “Senses”, the name was. I still have that in my head now and then. Eventually I’ll get to work on that also. 


And it’s now 23:53, and Tu is here laying in the living room, and I’m tired, as usual. I’m tired because today has been a long day. Perhaps not as long as other days, but a long day nonetheless. Plus I haven’t had much sleep as of lately, so I guess that has made me more tired, too. We just came back from a Chinese buffet with Susan, Tony and May (Lister May) to celebrate Susan’s 18th before her actual day. It was good, it was funny and we ate until our stomachs were near tearing open. And May’s jokes and gossip were so damn funny, Tu and I were so close to vomiting out all our food because of all the laughter. The laugh where your stomach hurts so much because of it to the point that we’d stand up and walk away from the scene because it was that unbearable. It’s a nice end to a night if you ask me. Spend the day with the friends you made throughout the year, finish the night with the old friends you’ve held on to for so long. 

Chloe’s house was great and I appreciated my time there a lot. It’s a shame that I had to leave early along with Tony and Tu, but for the time we were there it was really amusing. You had our usual lot along with Phillipa and Roxy’s friends Grace, Tace and Toby. And I guess we don’t normally have the chance to act as reckless and childish as we do when not at gatherings, because we’re always acting reckless and childish at gatherings. But it’s blissful. Picture people jumping on each other, sleeping on each other, putting a demo on the piano and pretending to play a classical piece, people on the floor playing Soul Calibur, Phillipa preparing an Oreo milkshake for everyone, and me drinking mine from a bowl. I even took a photo of it. Everyone else had cups except me, and I made a ruckus out of it, and we all laughed. And we had a toast with our milkshakes. And it’d been ages since I last saw Roxy, too. Grace, Tace and Toby were cool (Toby was fucking 6”6, like, damn). I’d be a fool not to appreciate the friends I’ve made.

And so I guess that’s that. My year is over. It’s been a long, long year, I’ll give it that. I’ve grown fond of this, I really have. But I will have to stop here. But it’s never really the end of anything to be honest. For example, tomorrow is Chinese New Year, and so while my year has just ended a new year has begun. I guess I’m grateful for the random date I started this on then because at least my ending has some significance. Who knows, maybe in some years time I might just start another. “365 days, Chapter ii”. And who knows, maybe this time it won’t start on a leap year. But I’ve really liked this year. This was by far my most eventful year yet. There were of course things I weren’t able to talk about, and I’m okay with that. I’ve tried avoiding making this superficial too, because that’s all I am at times. Superficial. But if anything I’ve learned to appreciate more as the year went on, if that makes sense? Not that I didn’t before, but over this year I came across awe-inspiring experiences, people and joy. And I don’t know if it’d be possible to recreate that if I repeated this in a similar manner. Maybe as an older person I would be able to do much more, but then I wouldn’t know until then. And it wouldn’t bother me much by then. I just hope I do something with my life by then. I don’t think I’ve lost much over the year- if anything I’ve only gained so much. And I definitely know my worst days. Those low days, and definitely the days where I smelt like fish. I’ll dread those fish days for the rest of my life. I don’t quite have a best day though. I wouldn’t be able to put a finger on it. But I’m okay with that. I’m completely fine with that. If I were to have to put a finger on a single someone I met at the start of this year that means something great to me now, I wouldn’t be able to, because I’ve met a countless number of people. I- I just wouldn’t be able to, if you wanted to know the truth. “It’s funny. Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.”

And hey, life is looking out to be good this year anyway. I’ve secured amazing places at universities, I’ll be volunteering at a new school built in Stratford called School 21, courtesy of Sabiha and her sister running a project there called Project Unity, designed to make a difference and an impact on the childrens’ lives there. That’s about all I know so far, but it’ll be every Wednesday, so my Wednesday has gotten even more busy now. And I’m well excited for it. I did work experience at Maryland Primary School, my old primary school, around two years back and it was really good. So I hope volunteering at the school will be just as good. And I’m going camping in a few weeks, Berlin in less than a week, and Martin will be back from St. Lucia in a couple days. And I’ve finally finished downloading those songs for Emmanuel too. I sure procrastinated that a lot. And I’m getting there with my school work. I’m gradually putting in more and more time. After all, I do need to get A*AA minimum. It’ll be troublesome, but life isn’t easy. Life was never intended to be easy. And even if things don’t work out the way I want them to, life does go on. The days do go on, and they will get better. Things will always get better. And so I’ll have faith in that life will work out for me eventually. And I’m just about to watch the movie for The Perks of Being a Wallflower (and I can be sure that Asleep will play in the movie ), and after that, the Cowboy Bebop movie. I hope I don’t sit in the dark with a tear trickling down my face like I did when I finished the original series. And I don’t like it all that much when a film relates to me. But I hate it even more so when it seems to relate to all my friends. And I know it’ll do exactly the latter. And I’ll want to avoid making an after comment for this entry, because I will both love the film as much as I did the book, yet detest it. And I will sit there in silence afterwards, both angered and appreciative. And I know that it’s taken me years to watch the Cowboy Bebop movie, but I think that these two movies will perfectly end my year.

And Tu is just about leaving now. And Daniel, for the first time, is going to bed before four in the morning. And it’ll rain tomorrow, and you can be sure that I’ll be sitting in the dimness of the room, attempting to make nothing out of my Sunday.

“Sing me to sleep. Sing me to sleep. I’m tired and I want to go to bed. Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep. And then leave me alone. Don’t try to wake me in the morning, ‘cause I will be gone. Don’t feel bad for me - I want you to know - deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so glad to go. Sing me to sleep… Sing me to sleep. I don’t want to wake up on my own anymore.”

And for those perhaps reading this for the very first time: hello. I’m FallenLegacy (or Christian), and this is my 365 days. A seventeen-year-old Londoner; I don’t know how to use a semicolon or commar properly and my grammar is terrible. You might find my life a little weird, but I hope you’ve enjoy the journey as much as I have.

"Forgive. Forget. That’s a lesson that we haven’t learned yet.
We try. We cry. But a day doesn’t die until the sun is set.”

Thank you for reading.

Until next time…






“Are you living in the real world?”

All images, unless mine, are copyright to their respective owners.

Friday, February 8, 2013

365/365; this is not the end.

“Shadows settle on the place, that you left. Our minds are troubled by the emptiness. Destroy the middle; it’s a waste of time; from the perfect start to the finish line. And if you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones. ‘Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs… Setting fire to our insides for fun. Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong. The lovers that went wrong.”

Today was as ordinary a day as any other day has been. I don’t even want to describe it to you, that’s how ordinary it was. And so I won’t. I won’t spend what could possibly be my final moments detailing the average school day. In fact, I won’t say much at all.


“We are the reckless, we are the wild youth. Chasing visions of our futures; one day we’ll reveal the truth that one will die before he gets there.”


Until Tomorrow…


Thursday, February 7, 2013

364/365; so much for a decent entry.

I guess this is the last time I’ll ever comment on the morning sky. There, in the brisk clear morning sky, sat the moon. In its crescent, it sat alone. And right up above it was a passing plane, its contrails soon left to fade into water vapour. And to the left, the sun was rising. The sun rises from the east and sets in the west, I hear. And the puddles left on the street were frozen over, and these two kids I walked past stamped furiously over them, crushing and smashing the frozen water into bits. And they seemed so content about it, aha. The joy of crushing and stamping on frozen water, the joy of walking over dying, crunchy leaves. I guess it’s a joy you can’t really achieve from other sources. Contrails are a little harsh if you think about it. Regardless they’re all to turn into water vapour eventually. And while I was on the bus today I received a message from Serena, who happened to be on the bus behind, to call her. And I knew at that point that there was something comically wrong, and so I did. And it turned out that she was being hit on whilst on her journey to school. This has happened multiple times now, so it wasn’t the biggest thing for me, and we laughed it off when she got off at Ilford.

And I went badminton today, and it went well. It did. It wasn’t the most thrilling session, but it went well nonetheless. And Tony and I headed home as we usually did, sitting side by side on the bus. And his racket bag hit someone in the face, and I guess he was a little lucky considering the guy didn’t do anything about it. Tony actually doesn’t even know about this. Michael and Tu aren’t exactly aware of this either, and it’s weird. I’ve never even bothered telling them about this properly. But I also think that that’s a really good thing, too. They don’t even need to read about my life at all, that’s not their job as friends. If anything I’m pretty sure they don’t care about this, just in the same way that I wouldn’t really care if they did one. It was just odd that Tony hadn’t heard about it. One day, I suppose. It’s funny, the expression on his face was actual genuine shock. He had no clue at all.

And I found out today that I’ve received a second offer from a university to study law. First SOAS, and now Kings College London. And maybe it’s just me, but others are more excited about than I’ve been. I’m just happy to have gotten in. I’m now waiting on UCL and LSE. Not so much Bristol anymore. Just those two, and I hope things go well with those two universities. I hope I’m given an offer by the two of those too. Not for an ego, but for the comfortability when choosing where I truly want to spend the next three years at. 

And I know it’s 01:07 right now, but I think I ought to finish this off before sleeping. After all, it is the day before the end. And I guess what I’ve wanted to talk about today is my identity. What I am, who I am. What I represent. And I had a really, really melancholic entry in mind. A really, really dull and depressing entry. But it won’t be. If anything I’ll conclude things simply.

To begin with - it’s interesting - FallenLegacy is not my name. I did not wake up one day, lay in bed and decide to call myself FallenLegacy. I got it from my family friend Alex many, many years ago. And Emmanuel and myself adopted the name, and since then it has been the only name used. If I’ve given it another origin, don’t believe it. That’s all there is to it. I don’t even know if Alex found that name from somewhere else too, but all I know is that I grew fond of it, kept it and made it who I am today. I am FallenLegacy, it is my persona and my own alias. Be it not my own identity or not, I am FallenLegacy, and have been for at least the past five years. And it’s not as if others won’t have used this name before. Many have, and many will continue to use it. I just hope the own legacy I’ve left behind as FallenLegacy doesn’t indeed fall just because others feel the need to use the same name. And along with identity, over the year I’ve not yet been able to accept myself. I still don’t accept myself, who I am and my view of myself. I still think I’m too skinny, I still don’t appreciate the face I have, or my stature. Or my friends. I still don’t appreciate friends enough. I’m honest with you. In fact, I’ll be as honest as I’ve been since: I don’t even consider Sadian as close anymore as I once did anymore. Things change, I guess. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a close friend, but if you were to look back on this year and attempt to note down every time his name was mentioned, you’d be spending a lot of time doing so. And it doesn’t represent my friendship towards him at all in my opinion. I’m not surprised that my mindset towards friendships have changed. I remember some days ago, I mentioned how it no longer felt as if it were the three of us, and then Sadian, but rather the four of us in my living room. That’s not how it is. It still is the three of us, and then Sadian. And nothing is wrong with that, but I’m lying if I’m trying believe that it can change, because it can’t. And it shouldn’t. Friends can converse, but groups stay as they are. And perhaps it’s because I feel as if he’s an extension of myself when we’re in the same group at the same time, or that whilst there have been other influences, this supposed cocoon he broke out of was somewhat because of the friendship formed between the two of us. And that too much similarities in people can be somewhat repelling, which it has. That and I’ve yet to find comfort in a single friend sort of friendship, if that makes sense. But that’s about that with that. Perhaps the truth can create wounds, but it also strengthens things in the long term. I hope so anyway. Anyway, I remember all those months ago when I spoke about this sort of friendship hierarchy. That has changed. I don’t see things in the same way as I did before. But that’s understandable. People change, mindsets change. Values change. My memoir hasn’t represented any of my friends properly either. It hasn’t, but I’ve tried. And I’d hate for people to continue to believe my lies. But I’m a phony, and I’m hypocritical, and so I’ll leave them believing. Believing in the authenticity of friendships. And I can lie a friendship for years. And I’ve done so. And I’m not proud of what I did, but I did. I just hope those I lied to were positively affected by the friendship, because I meant them no harm. I really, really thought it was for the best for them. I thought I shan’t end the year a liar, but even not revealing the absolute truth is a lie in itself. And so I guess I’ve just made this entry redundant. Hmm.

Shobikkan approached me today, embraced me in one of his bear hugs and then asked me if my friendship towards him was genuine, because I’ve mentioned to him before that there are a lot of people I’m a facade around. And I told him that my friendship is genuine, but he didn’t know how to believe it. And I told him that I couldn’t prove to him that it was genuine, but it was. It is with a lot of people, don’t get me wrong. You just can’t prove it. You’ll just know that it is. 

God, this entry is dull. I guess I’ve failed this entry. Failing an entry so close to the end though, man, that isn’t a good thing. Man, it’s a little depressing. So much for an entry.

I guess I should apologise for today. I should, but I won’t… It’s all part of the journey, I suppose. And I’m to carry this weight.


Until Tomorrow…


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

363/365; i don’t practice santeria.

“I don’t practice Santeria; I ain’t got no crystal ball.  Well, I had a million dollars but I, I’d spend it all. If I could find that Heina and that Sancho that she’s found. Well I’d pop a cap in Sancho & I’d slap her down… What I really wanna know, my baby… What I really wanna say, I can’t define. Well, it’s love that I need. Oh… My soul will have to wait till I get back.”

On my way to school I came across these two kids at the bus stop. And these kids who happen to go Daniel’s secondary school were talking about their bath routines. One of them asked the other if he bathed in the morning, and when the other kid shook his head, the first kid was in disgust. He then made the most authentic and enthusiastic bathing gestures on himself whilst saying, “See, I wake up extra early so I can thoroughly wash myself.” I forget sometimes that I live in Maryland; the land of cookies and weird occurrences. 

And I saw these kids as a result of taking a different route today. Instead, I took the bus to Forest Gate station where I then walked down onto Romford Road to  then catch my bus. And Serena was on the bus I got on. I guess it’s always a matter of good timing. Serena has been a good friend to me this year, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t think either of us would have expected a friendship like this to have worked so well, I in particular. And we both instinctively looked over to the window as we passed Old Jolly’s, and there was no sign of the old lady. She hasn’t been around in a long, long time. God forbid she has passed away, because we don’t even see her in the area anymore. 

A large group of us from Seven Kings were at the bus stop at Ilford Hill today actually. And Meera thought it cheeky to give my head a hit before hiding in the crowd. I saw her obviously, but cheeky nonetheless. And on the top deck of the bus, you could hear this ridiculous game of Bogies  going on in the lower deck. It was far too early in the morning for that.

And in school saw the first period of History drag on. And the secon- well, no, not quite the second. This was Geography and Mrs. Smith and Mr. Davidson came in to observe our class… Actually, no, that did drag on. Ms. Williams is by far the most enthusiastic teacher that has taught me.

And I don’t really know what I want to detail to you today. For my fourth period I spent my time with Rittim, Shelana and Emily discussing Rittim’s Socialite and Shelana’s music. She’s a singer/songwriter and writes songs and melodies to them daily. And she really, really, really wants to go out there and produce her music. And I guess if you’re that motivated, that devoted to your music then you should be able to. And I showed her my entries and she liked them. And she asked if I’d continue this. I didn’t quite say no but nor did I say yes. Truth is, I just don’t want to have to devote hours and hours to this again. And there’s no way that I’d dumb it down a bit, or make it a weekly thing. It’s just not the same. Either I do exactly the same, or I do nothing at all. Aysha said I could do an audio-a-day sort of thing, where I spend about thirty minutes (because it wouldn’t take that long to talk) discussing what went on. That could be possible, but I doubt it. I’ve lost hundreds - and probably thousands - of hours of sleep this year. And that’s about the minimum. Do bring out a calculator and check it out yourself. I’ve spent an average minimum of two hours on each entry. Multiply that by the number of entries and that’s the bare minimum. And then change it to a more realistic value of three hours, and then check the maths… I don’t think I can do this again.

It was Mahir’s birthday today, and Sabiha made him a cake. Not bought a cake - made him a cake. And the cake looked amazing. I guess you don’t come across friends like Sabiha in life much. She’s still to kind for her own good, aha. I’m still grateful of The Catcher In The Rye from her, very much so grateful. And I haven’t taken off the bracelets she gave me. And she’s making me another bracelet as we speak, and I think it’ll be my favourite one out of all of them. That and my Nigerian bracelets.

The magazine period today was actually really good. For the first time the magazine lesson was organised and had set plans. Seeing as our supervisors from university have too much work on their hands and cannot come down every week to hold on to some order, you had us two year thirteens taking charge. And I made a little plan of what we ere to cover in that period, such as deadlines, current articles and  articles currently in writing or in need of writing. And we got through it all pretty fast, heard what people had done or were planning to do, and that was that. And then they were allowed to leave. We don’t do much but talk in this period anyway. And so anyway, I was on my blog page showing Jagjeet some vintage photos. You know, the really grainy-looking photos. And I asked him how it worked, and how photography effects like that could be done without the use of photoshop. And he then we on about a whole load of photography jargon, and I fazed out. He’s in charge of the photography section in the magazine, so that’s why. Plus, he’s an amazing photographer.  And whilst I scrolled down, Zaffia peaked over at my entries, and I detailed them to her. And she was interested and so read on. And she read the entry of Leon’s birthday, and yeah. And she asked me what books I’d read, and I mentioned them to her. Flood, Ark, The Hunger Games trilogy, To Kill A Mockingbird, The Perks of Being A Wallflower, The Catcher In The Rye, and the current book I’m reading - Gulliver’s Travels. And I asked her the same and she mentioned Dan Brown. And I know Dan Brown’s books have been controversial, and that it has the effect of changing one’s religious beliefs as such. And so I asked if it had made her think twice about her religious beliefs, and it did. And she no longer considered herself a religious person, and after listening to her reasoning, I was pleased a little by her decision. As long as it’s reasonable, you know. And I thought Zaffia was really interesting. She was. And after the lesson was over I dragged her with me to my locker room, and she sat there waiting for me to attempt to organise myself without the aid of Ailie. And she laughed a bit as I panicked around picking out folders and sorting work in. And I apologised but she didn’t mind at all and we then headed out.

And I did go to the library today, but I didn’t get much work done. I then went to True Colours somewhat early and my time there today was good. The usual, I guess. The longer we’re there, the more casual it is, I suppose. I don’t know. The members of the youth centre seem more happy too. Tyrell engages with the other members more, and Mo smiles so much now that it’s a bit too much to contain really. 

It’s two in the morning, so I think I’d like to go to bed now. I don’t think I quite said what I wanted to say.

Meera is nocturnal. I swear, she is. I have a few nocturnal friends actually.

And I think I have an identity crisis…

Nonetheless, thank you for reading.


Until Tomorrow…


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

362/365; i am the noob.

“Darling you’re with me, always around me. Only love, only love. Darling I feel you, under my body. Only love, only love. Give me shelter, or show me heart. Come on love, come on love. Watch me fall apart, watch me fall apart. And I’ll be yours to keep.”

Ellen and I played League of Legends together today, and you wouldn’t believe it if I told you that she was a professional at the game. She’s the max level and while she doesn’t play competitively, she plays very strategically. And seeing as I was new to the game she even called me a “noob”, and that had us laughing. I am a noob, I guess. And we played for hours before calling it quits.

Last night’s rain was not expected. It was sometime in the early morning, and I laid there half asleep. And that’s when it hit. It was like a brief moment of torrential monsoon. And I opened up the window a little, and I slowly succumbed to the needs of my body, listening to the gusts and waves of the rain. And Meera and I were up listening. The wind caressing my neck.

Today was alright. I mean, you know by now that my school days are “alright”. I guess the new topic of discussion is on the camping we should be doing in some weeks time. It should really be good. I didn’t do much work today either, and seeing as I had a sixth period today I didn’t bother going to the library. And I spent my fifth period bothering Rhidhi, trying to get into her music library. She says it’s really, really weird, and that’s exactly what I want to see. She says that if I keep on trying I just might break her one day. I’ll keep at it. I was far too tired. It’s 23:43, and I’m already far too tired. And you know that I’m out until late on Wednesdays, so I need as much sleep as I can get. I don’t usually drink coffee, but I think I’ll have to tomorrow. 

Ady Suleiman. Take note of him and don’t forget that name, even if it doesn’t cross your mind for years. “Well it’s like, welcome to a state of mind where reality ‘ain’t so nice.” 

“And they say, she’s in the Class A Team, stuck in her daydream. Been this way since 18 but lately her face seems, slowly sinking, wasting. Crumbling like pastries, and they scream, the worst things in life come free to us. ‘Cause we’re just under the upper hand, and go mad for a couple of grams. And she don’t want to go outside tonight. And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland, or sells love to another man. It’s too cold outside for angels to fly… Angels to fly.”


Until Tomorrow…


Monday, February 4, 2013

361/365; the libes.

“Alabama, Arkansas, I do love my Ma and Pa, but not the way that I do love you. Well, holy moly, me-oh-my, you’re the apple of my eye. Girl, I’ve never loved one like you. Man, oh man, you’re my best friend. I scream it to the nothingness - there ain’t nothin’ that I need. Well, hot and heavy pumpkin pie. Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ, there ain’t nothin’ please me more than you. Ah home, let me come home. Home is wherever I’m with you… Ah home, let me come home. Home is wherever I’m with you… Lalalala, take me home. Momma, I’m coming home!”

I’ve been struck with things on my mind as of recent. Or, no- see, that’s a lie. I lie, and that’s the issue. I seldom consciously lie. I don’t consciously lie to those around me, or to myself but rather on a deeper level. And it’s something that should be addressed. Perhaps not tonight, or tomorrow, but before the end of my year. Because I lie, and I shan’t end the year a liar.

 People really like my haircut. It’s good to know because I thought it looked a little odd myself, but now that I’ve heard the reception and looked at myself a little more in the mirror, I don’t feel all that bad about it. I’ll further mess around with my hair, too. I actually got no work done today, in school and in the library. I just wasn’t bothered, and I’m still not. And I’ve got a Psychology exam tomorrow morning, and I’m not at all prepared. I could be by then, but I highly doubt it. I guess I just spent the day talking away to everyone. Harry plans to do a camping thing for his birthday in the approaching half-term holiday, and that sounds like it’ll be absolutely sick. I’m absolutely up for another camping night, and hopefully this time it doesn’t rain like it did last time. It’s all in the planning stages right now, but it’s definitely a thing we want to do. Rittim’ll even possibly supply us with a stereo and what not, and perhaps even bring some food. I’ve never tried that type of food before, if you know what I mean. Anyway, it sounds like it’ll be a good thing to look forward to. Not much other than that went on today. Aside from learning when to use Practice and Practise, my lessons weren’t of much volume. I found out today that Ellen is a total gamer. And that’s incredibly cute. In fact, she used to play MapleStory too. And she used to play Counter Strike. I didn’t, but Michael did. She’s starting to remind me of Michael a little with her selection of games, aha. And a lot of the talk today was of Sabrina’s party, and how that really tall guy was edgy, and how a mate of Tomidé’s, Marcus, was arrested that night. He’s out now, but still. A bunch of them had a fight with someone down the road and it eventually led to police using batons on them. And also about how Sadian walked into a lamppost and a wall on the way to my house, and how the scars haven’t at all healed. And how Sadian has got three large bruises on his face he can’t cover up. And how much of a moppet he was, apparently. And I don’t know if it was good attention or not, but it was attention nonetheless.

And at the library I didn’t get much work done at all. I’ll admit, as much as I find the little group we have nice, I haven’t gotten much work done around them. I remember all those months back when I’d go to the library only to find someone like Naran there working, and we’d both get a lot of work done. We spoke about that today and we might just have to focus a little more. I also got my LNAT results back today, and I did okay. I scored 22 out of 42, which is fine. This year’s average was 21.3, so I just hit above average. I hope it’s enough. It’s funny trying to hug the twins, like to actually hug them properly requires me to squat down a little for them to then choke me. But it’s cute. My time at the library today was more or less pointless until the last hour or so there when myself, Jaspreet and Visha sat down together and started to ask each other questions. Questions on previous relationships, our most proudest moment, the best thing we’ve received or given a person, and so on. And when it came to the nicest thing the person has done for someone, I mentioned my 52 Things I Love About Le-My thing, and they found it cute. And it was cute when it came to Jaspreet considering she was by far the most innocent person ever. And she’d talk about cookies, or a kiss on a cheek of one of her girl friends. She’s as innocent as it gets to be honest. I think Jaspreet is my favourite out of them. Visha actually had a really long history when it came to relationships, and how they intertwined and how one led to the other, and how they all more or less know each other. Seriously, everyone involved in the relationships or friends of her ex’s knew each other. I asked her if she could write me down a timeline of it all because it was pretty interesting, I’ll admit. But after listening to her talk about her past relationship with Danesh I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t expect to hear what I heard either. And they’d also just had a recent argument actually, and when she told me about that too it only made things worse. His lying and deceit and so on and so forth. As much of a nice guy he was, he did a lot of hiding of his business. I’ll have to ask him about it one day though, I can’t completely rely on one side of the story. Her side did sound pretty bad though. I don’t know why cousins were involved in her story, but they were. That’s why I need a timeline. Danesh is a cool guy though, like, you can easily talk with him. But when he then came down to us afterwards tugging on Visha it got a little awkward for Jaspreet and I. And he took Visha’s phone as a joke, but she wasn’t all that happy. And Jaspreet and I made a name for our library lot - The Libes. It sounds like an indie four-quartet band, aha. I like it though… The Libes, it sounds fitting. 

And when it was time to leave and we headed downstairs, lo and behold Sadian had stayed for the last hour bothering Shaili and Faatma. Shay-lee. And I decided to walk Jaspreet to her bus stop, seeing as I didn’t have much going on. And her and her braceface was pretty happy about that. And her bus came about and she wasn’t at the bus stop yet, so I told her to run as fast as she could. And she did, and she got the bus. And I turned around and walked away.


“I need some shots, place the order. ‘The bartender needs a lineup, no barber. With my back against the wall, I let my guard up; I remember when my moms’ had to be my father - I caught up. Not like imma’ writing my paper balled up, I can hear the tears through the phone when I call her. She knows I’m on drugs. ‘Doesn’t mine that I’m high, but I lost sight of goals with my head up in the sky.”


Until Tomorrow…


Sunday, February 3, 2013

360/365; three little birds.

"You have always worn your heart upon your sleeve, and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground. Dig them up; let’s finish what we’ve started. Dig them up, so nothing’s left unturned." 

On the way home with Daniel and my mum from a place not worth mentioning, we passed Wanstead Flats. And passing the flats the three of us noticed a colony of seagulls. Some wandered around the saturated land while others flew overhead in perfect sync. And there were at least a hundred or so in the air at the time. And they were flying off in the opposite direction. And the battle theme from Pokémon: Black and White 2 was playing loud from Daniel’s DS, and my phone buzzing loudly from notifications. And it was the only thing we paid attention to. I’m not sure what I’m getting at with this scene, but Daniel and I weren’t too happy watching the colony fly away. But what’s worse is the realisation that this is over. That with five days left it might as well be over. That I don’t know if I can fit in all I’ve wanted to say for the past year in these last five days. Or that it never felt this close before for the whole year. It never seemed as if it would come to an end, it just didn’t. It’s like when you’re told of an exam that’ll take place months away, and the time between the present and the exam feels so long. Until it’s the exam day and you wonder where the time went, and why it went so fast. You wonder whether you really had as much time as you thought you did at all, to be honest. And so as the last few days draw nearer and nearer, I suppose I should just continue to do what I’ve been doing all year round. After all, life doesn’t end after this. I just wished this didn’t have to end. But it will.

Church dragged on yet again today, and I really, really didn’t want to stay that long. I don’t know, seeing as this is the last entry on a Sunday I should probably make this a little more religiously-orientated. But I won’t, I don’t feel as if it’d be fitting or a way to represent that part of my life in these last final days. But it dragged on, and it never really finishes on time. That’s the problem with African churches. Never believe what they tell you, it will never finish on time. Ever. 

"Take away the treasure of a man, convinced that he holds heaven in his hands. Even though I ain’t religious I’m a little superstitious, maybe there is a promised land, but will I make it or not is a different matter. I’ve been a joker, I’ve been a thief, I’ve been a rapper. I’ve been the only enemy that I can never beat. Give me a piece of mind upon a platinum platter.”

Or, no, I’ll try be a little religious here. Having been brought into this world through a Christian family I’ve always- nah, forget it, I’ll give it a rest. Religion is tiresome. It’ll be up to your speculations to assume my religious belief from this time forth. Speculate my belief until thy own death. You’re gonna carry that weight.

“Rise up this mornin’. Smile with the risin’ sun; three little birds, each by my doorstep. Singin’ sweet songs of melodies pure and true, sayin’, “This is my message to you-ou-ou”. Singin’: “Don’t worry ‘bout a thing, ‘cause every little thing gonna be all right.” Singin’: ‘Don’t worry ‘bout a thing, ‘cause every little thing gonna be all right!’”



Until Tomorrow…


Saturday, February 2, 2013

359/365; weep, little lion man.

"Weep for yourself, my man, you’ll never be what is in your heart. Weep, little lion man, you’re not as brave as you were at the start. Rate yourself and rake yourself, take all the courage you have left; wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head. But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I, my dear? Didn’t I, my dear?"

 I actually woke up on time on Friday. My mum however got up a bit earlier than normal and so occupied the bathroom before me. And so I had to get ready later than usual and came in late. But it was no ordinary late, not at all. I had Maria, Maria and Ramya devise a little excuse for me. Haha, Maria and Maria. The idea was that I was up in the private study room trying to print out work when the printer jammed and that was the reason for my lateness. And my form teacher bought it, so all was well.

The only interesting fact about any of my lessons today was that we’ve began to learn  about Weather and Climate in Geography now. New topic, and it seems somewhat interesting, as dull as the layers of the atmosphere sound. And I spent most of period four in the common room with Freya and Serena. I saw Meera briefly actually. That’s actually something I have to mention because she’s actually a ghost in the school. You never see her around besides the mornings where I crash in her form for a while. And at lunch time I had myself bouncing off friend to friend, acquiring food here, Marwa’s birthday cake there - which was beautiful, I’ll give them that - to then suddenly disappear like the day before. And I continued to call Phoebe my girlfriend, yet also my sister in some unfathomable way. Some of her friends bought the siblings one to be fair, but it was hard to keep up the joke with so much against it.

And so I left early with again the same excuse, headed home and headed out again to attend the group interview. I saw Shimon outside of school when I left. Charanjit, too. And Shimon’s cousin who gave her chocolate cake, but that’s not really worth a mention. And the interview went fine. It was a little nerve-wracking considering I was number one on the list. But seeing as it was a group interview it really wasn’t all that bad. If they want me they’ll give me a call between now and Friday. If not then, well, too bad for me. It doesn’t bother me now though considering the money Martin is willing to give me. In fact, I’d be a little down if I actually did get the job now. But it went well. And I met this guy Xavier there, my age and living not too far from Seven Kings actually. There was also this really pretty girl that I swear I knew. I’d only taken notice of her a couple of minutes before the end of it all, and even if I had enough courage to walk up to her and talk to her I couldn’t seeing as someone had already done so. I swear I knew of her, and goodness me was she pretty. And she looked respectable, too. And who knows where she was from, the Caribbeans, or a mix, I wouldn’t know. I’m not really even interested that way like that, but she got my staring a little. I think she caught me once, that was awkward eye contact. She had a friend with her at least, I had no one but me. I should stop rambling on now. 

After arriving home for the second time, I got up, got ready and headed out to Sabrina’s party. Think of it as a party for her 18th birthday, and to also celebrate the fact that the exam period was finally over for others. And it was a good night. It sure as hell was, it gave me more than enough laughs. It was held in a shisha lounge behind a restaurant, and there was food and drinks. Pizza and chicken wings, she treated us well for a party. And my friends bought their own drinks and we had them too. It was really divided though. I mean, you had our little lot that are really comfortable with each other - Karanjit, Shelana, Claire and so on - and then you had Sabrina’s friends from her old secondary school. And then you had this one group of people that were previously there before the party began that decided to stay and crash. And then you had Tomidé and his lot in another corner. That was a little annoying. And we had some shisha, and we had an alright time. Shisha is pretty fun, I’ll admit. It’s funner when it’s a good group of us. And it’s quite enticing when you’re blowing the shisha smoke directly into another girl’s mouth. I did that with Florence, and also this one girl that went to Sabrina’s old school. Your lips get well close too. I should also mention that I met the twins from Lister again there. Suleiman and Mohammed, yeah. They were at Jayna’s 18th too all those months back. And I should also mention that I met Jobheda at the party, and that I hadn’t seen her in five years. She was good friends with Samantha ages, and I still think she goes to the same school as Le-My. Her “ex” was at the party and- and you wouldn’t believe it when I tell you that her “ex” was the really tall and lanky guy handing out the mixtapes at that fight on the road all those days ago. Yeah, that guy. And you’d be a little disgusted to know that he also wore the same grey tracksuit bottoms, jumper and hat. And him trying to be intimidating drew me over to a side to talk about my dancing with her, and my talking with her. And he had a friend of his try talk to me, but his friend was actually a really nice guy. Like I told him the whole story, about how today was the first time I’d seen her in years, how I didn’t even know they went out and how we just danced. I wasn’t going to explain myself for long because I genuinely did nothing wrong. And he was cool with that, he got that. Her “ex” didn’t. He was such a creep. He started stripping later that night too. At one point he was dancing on his own in the middle in his boxers. Shisha and alcohol, what it can do to people…

And then Sadian returned from wherever he had been, and Agim and Serena and Harry and the rest of us still here felt it time to leave. It was about quarter to one before we left, and with us was Femi, one of Sabrina’s old friends. Agim stayed with her for the most of their bus journey which was sweet of him. Sadian on the otherhand was far too drunk to do much. Walking around was effort for him alone. He vomited a lot too which both made Serena and Harry and I have a laugh, but also had us worrying a bit. Serena and Harry are a thing by the way, and that’s a really cool thing. Serena because we’ve been really close since more-or-less the start of year twelve, and Harry because it’s Harry, and he’s a good guy. Sadian vomited a lot. On the floor, in a bin, on the bus, on the floor again, next to a bin again, on his shoes. And he tried eating, and we had chicken wings with chips but he was far too drunk to eat, and so I ended up eating eight wings and two portions of chips. And my stomach was indeed satisfied. And on the bus Serena and Sadian and I used newspaper to cover the vomit he produced. And we apologised to people on the bus and kindly asked for them to go down to the lower deck. And when we got to Stratford we waited for Serena’s dad to arrive and pick her up. I saw him for the first time today, when she arrived. Shelana and I walked out to collect her from his car, and he seemed like a lovely person. Of course, it could all be for show. And when she left, we left. We got on the bus and headed to my house. No way would I have let him go home in that state, no way at all. Plus, it’d make my night and his a little more fun. Except he walked into a lamppost and a wall at one point. And when he got to my house he had scars on his forehead, nose and area above the lip. But we didn’t care much at the time. I got him some tissues and we called it quits for the night. I’m actually well glad that he didn’t vomit at the house.

And I don’t know why it’s changed, but it has. I think I’ve been pretty damn harsh on Sadian in my thoughts as for a while. I feel as if I’ve thought him wrong even though he hasn’t done any wrong at all. Maybe it’s the issue of having your identity shared and split in two when with him, or- or maybe that was about it. And since that stupid row with the hoodie I’ve often reconstructing the scene in my head, and many times with other scenarios. Probably because it was the first time I’d gotten in a row with a friend. And it doesn’t end, it doesn’t. Not that I’ve actually wanted to fight him - not at all, that’s far too childish - but images like that are reoccurring. Probably because, well, yeah, I’ve never really fought a friend properly before, and so it’s the only thing replaying. And it’s a shit representation for a row too. But besides jumping over a table and landing a punch on Joshua back in secondary school, or dragging Tyler’s body off the floor by his hair back in primary school, I haven’t been much of a fighter. Either way, I’ve felt my mentality towards him being a little harsh, and I don’t quite see why it was like that. It isn’t really like that anymore, not after tonight. And I don’t know why. And I realised that especially when Tu and Michael came over too. It felt more like a four than a three plus Sadian. Although he was asleep for the most part. But again, this year hasn’t represented what I value in friends at all, and that’s a shame because this is the only memoir I’ll be writing for now. Anyway, I thought this better before typing it down. It’s a shame it didn’t turn out like that. Whatever it was that changed, I guess it’s for the better. Seeing as we were still intoxicated we woke up in the early hours of the morning. And we fell asleep again, and again. Until it hit around ten in the morning when I sort of gave in. And in my bag was Rittim’s laptop charger and his Malibu. His laptop broke last night. What a bummer that was. And I slept on the couch a little longer until I began to jump from being upstairs to downstairs occasionally. And when we were properly up I began to watch me some animal and Earth documentaries. And the Earth is just so goddamn beautiful. I used to watch a lot of these documentaries when I was a little younger. Just sit there, stunned and amazed by how staggeringly and astronomically outstanding our planet is. And how diverse, complex and interesting the animal planet is, too. You have to love the narration done by David Attenborough as well. Honestly, his voice is soothing in all ways. And I also put on some Spongebob and Adventure Time. I hold Spongebob quite dear to me. I - along with Emmanuel and Daniel - grew up with that show. We grew up with a lot of cartoons. Dexter’s Laboratory; Ed, Edd ‘n’ Eddy; The Fairly Odd Parents; Dragon Ball Z (an anime, actually); Beyblade (again, the same). And Cow & Chicken, and Courage the Cowardly Dog, and Samurai Jack, and so on, and so on. I didn’t read much at all when I was little. For the most part my life consisted of games and television. And it was a lovely childhood, it was.

We bought some food, came back, and after some hours, Tu and Michael arrived. I couldn’t contact Tony at all. And we all didn’t do much but lay around in my living discussing League of Legends and other nonsensical things I can’t even remember. I didn’t expect much to come out of today to be honest, I just didn’t want to hang about alone. It was a fine day anyway. I didn’t feel sunken at all and aside from the post-groggy waking up, I felt as fine as I’d always been. 

Later on at night I worked on some work for my mother for a couple of hours. She was supposed to have done it herself but there was no way she would have completed it in time. She’s a slow writer, slow typer and was not knowledgeable in the field of mental health awareness. I was somewhat though seeing as I do psychology, and you wouldn’t believe how useful it was. I was basically typing up the answers to questions asked for my mum to then write them down in the booklet provided, and a lot of it involved the use of treatments for anxiety, phobia, depression and others and their definitions. And so I knew all about this, and to see CBT and Psychoanalysis written in the book made all those lessons somewhat worth it. Honestly, I don’t know how my mother would have done it on her own. Struggling as of lately, we’re just about making ends meet. She never calls on anybody though, and while I suppose there’s some pride in that, I also genuinely feel as if it’s because she feels that she’ll get through this. Which she will, in good time.  There will come a time, you’ll see. 

 And just an hour or go or so I watched The Inbetweeners movie, and it was as funny as I thought it would be. For me it just felt like an extended episode, but it was a laugh to see them in a film. The last few scenes got me craving summer though. I really want summer to come. 

And not too long ago I spoke with Meera a bit, and my annoying her in the library really had me weary about myself. I don’t know, and I don’t feel like explaining myself at the moment. But it probably got her a little annoyed, and if she’s reading this, she’ll now probably be even more annoyed. I wonder about myself sometimes.

"And after the storm, I run and run as the rains come. And I look up, I look up, on my knees and out of luck, I look up.  Night has always pushed up day. You must know life to see decay, but I won’t rot. I won’t rot, not this mind and not this heart, I won’t rot. And I took you by the hand and we stood tall, and remembered our own land, what we lived for. And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.” 




Until Tomorrow…


Friday, February 1, 2013

358/365; into the early hours of the morning.

I’m far too tired, Sadian downstairs has just had a nose bleed and I really need sleep. Tomorrow should be an eventful entry. 


Until Tomorrow…


Thursday, January 31, 2013

357/365; what were feelings.

"And she spoke words that would melt in your hands. And she spoke words of wisdom."

Yesterday was a long day. So long that when I got home and got onto the laptop I fell asleep. Asleep whilst watching a TV show, and I didn’t even realise. Emmanuel woke me up thirty or so minutes later, and I honestly felt as if I hadn’t fallen asleep at all. And so I called it quits immediately. Dropped everything and headed straight to bed. And I woke up late too, if you wanted to know.

And I woke up late yesterday, too. But I got to school on time, just as I did today. And my lessons were as they’ve always been. Honestly, they were. And I didn’t do much different in my lunches and breaks. My time at the library was just about the same as it’d always been, too. Cory and Caesar both showed their faces, and at one point a bunch of witnessed this fight outside this 99p store in Ilford. Long story short, a friend of Visha’s friend was having a fight with another girl. Both girls’ guy friends step in and then they’re verbally abusing each other. There isn’t really anything physical. And then I guess for a laugh this really tall guy with dreadlocks approaches the situation and begins to hand out his mixtapes to them. “Calm it down, calm it down” he said, as he passed around his music. One of the guys involved wasn’t happy about that at all, and I think he must have said something pretty bad to the tall guy because the tall guy got so angry. I mean it. The guys before were throwing verbal abuse at each other, but this guy was begging for a fight. But the guy that cussed him backed down a little and had all his mates guard him. Aside from that the library experience was per usual. Also, at the library Florence gave me my first fairy cake. Aha I thought I’d mention that. It was really, really nice.

After attempting to convince Shabeena to come with us, Sadian and I headed to True Colours. And I’d say it was the highlight of my day. Aside from the dull meeting at first, the time there was really good. The usual volunteers were there, and I guess as the weeks and months go on by we become more and more social around each other. Pool, table tennis, air hockey, dancing. It’s what we do. As soon as Mo entered and he noticed me, and I noticed him, he began to smile. And I stood up and we both approached each other and started dancing. Stuff like that really is heart-warming. It really is. He’s really forceful, but he means no harm and it’s a joy to see him smile. And you can tease him a little; instead of letting him grab a hold of your hands straight away, pull away and move back and he’ll follow. And he’ll continue to follow until he’s near-charging at you. And it gets to the point where the expression on his face, so grand, leaves you a little happy about life afterwards. I mean it.  And having a couple games with Aysha and Bev was equally pleasing. Bev’s actually really good at pool but Aysha isn’t. By isn’t, I mean she isn’t all that good at all. I was holding onto the end of the cue stick to help her. Don’t ask me, but I’d say she was really cheeky today. Hurrying over to me whenever Bev pitied her in a game. “Accidentally” striking Aysha’s billard balls into the table pockets, or “accidentally” missing a hit. And she’d hurry into my arms. And it was cute, I’ll admit. I didn’t quite play my A-game yesterday though, sadly. In fact, Bev beat Aysha and I. Although it was more-so myself against Bev with the addition of a couple free two-shot opportunities for Bev. 

And a volunteer at the centre and I and Sadian dropped Isaac down to his house where his nan whom I saw at Winter Wonderland took him in. And when the volunteer with us was picked up by Natasha (not Romi’s Natasha but another volunteer) in her car, I jokingly asked if she could drop us at Ilford. And she did. She got out of her car, pulled the seat forward and allowed us to get in. And she dropped us right in front of Ilford Station. I didn’t expect it at all, and I was really grateful about that. I’ll be sure to thank her a lot the next time I see her. And then I headed on home, and when I got home you know exactly what happened.

Standing at the first bus stop today in the morning got me thinking. Isn’t it a little freaky when the clouds gust aside really quickly? I mean, they shouldn’t run away that fast. It just doesn’t make much sense to me to be honest. I’m sure if others were to look up at the same time as me and see what I saw they’d be just as worried. Especially when it’s a small cloud. Even more so when it’s completely still. That and when a plane travels past a still cloud, it look all so paint-like. I don’t know, my epiphora and the long wait for the bus got me thinking. 

I spent my first period alone with Mamta in the school library. We were more or less the only people in the corner of the library, and she had a cold, and so for the most part it was just me comforting her with words, working and showing her memes. That always cheers her up. I used to have a crush on her actually. I had a crush on a couple of people in the year actually. Crushes were innocent though, mind you they were tedious. What feelings were, I didn’t even know. I threw them around all over the place. Nilab, Monia, Shabeena, Florence, Mamta… Who else, I don’t even know. To be fair, Florence was more so infatuation, and I thought Monia and Nilab were extremely pretty. I thought Shabeena was incredibly amazing, and I thought Mamta was unfathomably funny. And these crushes came and went, and I’m glad they went. Crushes are tedious as fuck. They’re innocent, but they’re also tedious as fuck. Because they’re just so innocent, and you find the person really lovely, but you just don’t see yourself actually wanting to date them because you know you and that person aren’t exactly compatible. And so it’s extremely tedious. I don’t even know how I felt for Jenny anymore. That’s probably a good thing because I know that I’ve felt stronger feelings at parties and even with Leina than I did with Jenny at times. Although I’ll never quite forget the first time I kissed Jennifer. I took her to a fireworks display for her birthday, and when the fireworks began to blow in the air I brought out a small heart-shaped necklace and connected it around her neck. And then I told her that Happy Birthday, and that I “loved” her. And she said the same back. God, what the hell was “love” back then? It was so loosely used, I feel pretty silly even having said those words. But I must have meant it at the time, and her too seeing as it was her first also. I wouldn’t have exactly called it my first, but it was my first meaningful one. And I guess I want you to sort of imagine the fireworks display behind us, and everyone cheering, and  the deafening noise of the fireworks. It was actually nice, looking back on it. I don’t know why we broke up actually. She made some generic excuses, but apparently it was because of the closeness between Susan and I at the time. I don’t know, nor do I care.

I left school halfway through lunch time and headed off home. And I read at the station that my train was arriving in less than a minute, and the queue to top up my card was long, and I stressed a little. And so when I’d done it all I found myself to be running uncontrollably fast down the stairs, only to be stopped by a sign. “Please do not run on the stairs. It’s better to miss your train than to break your leg.” And I suddenly came to a complete stop, and I guess my body wasn’t expecting that because I almost toppled over. It’s got a point, you know. And so I walked down the stairs slowly, sat on a seat and waited for the train.  And from Ilford to Maryland, the number of people caught out by inspectors who check the validity of your journey were staggering. The reason why it’s so numerous on the Greater Anglia line is because in many stations there aren’t actually any barriers or gates to place your Oyster Card on, and so if you’re getting on at a station without a barrier and getting off similarly, you wouldn’t have to pay for your journey. I’ve done it before, I’ll admit. But it’s incredibly risky. Unlucky for them. And I got my haircut a bit - well, no, not a bit; my sides are almost completely gone. It’s becoming more and more like a high-top. I guess I’ll do that before I start all over again. This is the first time in six years that I’ve had grown hair, so I guess some experimenting doesn’t hurt. Hey, I might as well straighten it completely, too. I might do that. That might look good. And I really like my barber, he speaks words of wisdom you don’t really hear from others. As he sprayed the disinfectant over my hair line and I threw a fit out of pain, he said jokingly, “Everything in life is pain… Except sex.” Yeah, great words. Aha, but no, he’s a lovely guy. He might be a tad racist though…

And then I headed to Stratford’s Westfield, headed to Hollister and spoke to a member of staff. Basically, I know I haven’t mentioned it here yet but I applied to Hollister online a couple of days back following the twin’s applying here. And everyone that applies gets a group interview, and mine was supposed to be today but apparently the website’s information is incorrect, and that it’s actually tomorrow. And so I thanked her for telling me that and headed out. And I called Tony up who then invited me to badminton, which I went. It’d been months since I last went, and apparently Phillipa has been going ever since. She’s been every single week since the last time we went. And it was good, it was. It was fun getting back into the vibe of badminton, and I hadn’t lost the skills I had. I was still moderately good, and that was good. I’m glad I wasn’t utterly shit. And I had a little conversation with Martin over WhatsApp on the bus following the badminton session. And it was interesting. It was weird. I mentioned to him the Hollister interview, and he told me to not work. He didn’t want me spending time I could be using on my A2 for it. And so he offered to give me a large sum of money to help me get through from now till May. And the money could be used on food, clothes, and anything else necessary. And it would be more than enough. Only if I didn’t take up the job if I actually got in though. And it’s really hard, I don’t know what to do. He has been by far the stingiest person I have ever met, and now all of a sudden he wants to give me this. The sum of money is a lot, but having a job is sustainable. I don’t know. It’s even worse that Martin is still in St. Lucia because we can’t discuss it properly.

Anyway, I didn’t actually go home just yet but rather Tony and I headed back to his place. He lent me a shirt of his for the party I’m going to tomorrow, and we had noodles, tea and called it quits. That’s the norm at his house to be honest. Noodles, tropical juice, tea, his dog- oh. His dog… It was given away because they were no longer able to care for it. That was really upsetting for him to talk about too. Jimbob was its name, aha.

And remember all those months ago that one cat approached my house and didn’t want to leave? I’m pretty sure it was the same cat again today. I didn’t feed it any food this time round though. I’m sorry, either I take you in or do I do nothing.

And that’s about it for my days.

Well I know what I’ve been told, you gotta break free to break the mould. But I can’t do this all on my own, No, I know, I’m no Superman… I’m no Superman. 


Until Tomorrow…


Wednesday, January 30, 2013

356/365; apologies.

Apologies, but there won’t be an entry today. Turns out I’d fallen asleep on Emmanuel’s bed whilst leaning on arm and using the laptop. And I’d fallen asleep for the past thirty minutes without realising. And so I’m terribly tired. Wednesdays are always tiring for me. Tomorrow should be interesting then. 



Until Tomorrow…


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

355/365; grateful.

"There’s something happening here, but what it is ain’t exactly clear; there’s a man with a gun over there telling me that I’ve got to bewareI think it’s time we stop, children, what’s that sound? Everybody look - what’s going down?”

I slept through three alarms today. Or, no, I think I remember turning off the final alarm and somehow falling back to sleep. I guess it’s my fault that I almost came late today. I’ve also broken three toothbrushes in the past couple weeks. I don’t know, I thought it was worth mentioning. And my journey to school was as it has always been, and my lessons as they have always been. And the library with the recurrence of the year twelves and our group, and the ridiculous drunk men as it has always been. And the lone journey home seeing as Banudi didn’t stay long. And the lone walk home. And the calm whisper through the dark tempest, the ghost house and the one-hand-in-pocket walk, the other scratching-the-back-of-my-neck walk. The ruffle of hair. I’ve probably identified too much with characters that don’t actually exist. And arriving home to find food, and a lot of it. And a letter for me on my dining room table, only to find it’s about a “revolutionary custom condom” maker. It’s still sitting there on my table. I don’t know when I plan to have sex. I probably won’t for a long while, but then again it could happen. I’d probably prefer it not to though. So I think I’ll just leave them to decay there. And I’ve eaten, and I had Tarryk come over after having not seen him for a long time. and I’ve rested. And I’m just a little more grateful than normal for the life I live. The life I have. 

I’m grateful for this year. I’m grateful for the people I’ve met, the songs I’ve listened to. The experiences I’ve had in all its little ways, and even those fragile, sunken moments in the early hours post-party. I’m sure as hell grateful for it all. Those sudden short-lived desires to change, the changes in my mentality, how I think and feel about the world around me. The change in myself. I’m grateful for it all, and I’m really glad that I’ve done this. And I will be sad when this is over. It has been a long year, it has. And I’m grateful for those who may be reading this. It has been a long year, has it not?

"You and I must make a pact. We must bring salvation back. Where there is love, I’ll be there. I’ll reach my hand out to you, I’ll have faith in all you do. Just call my name, and I’ll be there."


Until Tomorrow…


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Themed by: Hunson