It’s past two in the morning and I’ve left the group for a couple minutes to do this. I say a couple minutes but I know this might take a while. The only ones left from today’s hang out are Jonathan, Leon, Kevin, Yusuf and Abdullah. Tarryk went off to a party, so he didn’t stay over. He’s always doing that now. Partying. Partying, drinking and getting stoned. It’s all a laugh for him right now I suppose. He’s got a job, ambitions and good friends.

After the success of the first meet up at my place where everyone brought their consoles and games, and we ate pizza and so on and so forth, I decided to host another. I was supposed to host this some time in October, but things were moved. I then had to host it some time in November, but again, things were moved. I was extremely close to cancelling it last night, too, but I didn’t. And I’m glad I didn’t. For some reason I really did think it wouldn’t work out well. And that it would be awkward. But it isn’t. Today hasn’t been awkward at all. If anything, it was just as good as our previous one. And the reason for that is friendship.

I got myself up at 6:30 in the morning and Emmanuel questioned me as per usual. He didn’t sleep at all the night before. He’s trying to fix this biological sleeping cycle of his by not sleeping until this night, hopefully allowing him to correct things. I think it’s working. He’s virtually on forums all night when he does things like this. This time round he was watching this anime on basketball. We watched that too, but I’ll get to that. I waited a couple hours before Tony arrived. And then Michael and Tu arrived. And then Sadian. And we brought out the Nintendo 64 and brought down the Nintendo Wii. The usual. It felt as if Sadian had become an extension of that little group of ours. It works, too. All those some issues go away when you come together as a group. I’d forgotten for the whole day about yesterday’s entry. It didn’t bother me at all. And to be honest, it isn’t bothering me now. He’s gone now, though. It’s a little odd him having a blog at the same time. It’s well written and I expected nothing less from it. Aha, I think reiterating “I don’t know how to use a semicolon properly and my grammar is terrible” at this point feels a little fitting. But no, it’s a very sophisticated entry. It must feel good to start at a mature point. I look back on the start of my “365 Days.” and I cringe. I’ll never stop cringing. 

Anyhow, Sadian had to leave briefly to get a haircut and Tony left some hours later to leave for Liverpool. In that time Tony, Michael and Tu grew frustrated as I constantly won at Super Smash Bros Brawl. It’s always like this. And I constantly lost against Tony at Pokémon Puzzle League on the Nintendo 64. I’m always losing. In fact, I lost ten times in a row against Tony. He knows his stuff. He grew up on that game. But it’s all a laugh, we all laughed along the way. Right, I’ve already left them for twenty minutes so far. I’ll try take one of their laptops and finish it there.

Five minutes have passed and I’m now back upstairs. I tried to use Jonathan’s Macbook but I don’t know how to use one. God, they’re so troublesome. You either know how to use one or you don’t. Susan arrived some hours before Tony had to go. And goodness me, you should have seen the excitement in my face. I held onto her for ages. I swear, it was as if I hadn’t seen her in years. She was happy enough to have found my house on her own, aha. She didn’t really do much today. I mean, she sort of just sat there with the group talking and laughing but she never really tried out games. They’re not really her thing. I’ve know that for some time now. But her presence there was really nice.

I’d go on and on about each game we played and each individual’s arrival but it’s tedious. Sadian, Tu, Michael, Tony, Susan, Melda, Mohamed, Abdullah, Kevin, Jonathan, Yusuf, Calvin, Tarryk and Leon were those that came over or are still here. It was a nice bunch. I don’t really know Calvin to be honest, but Abdullah asked if he could come and there was no way I was going to refuse like that. Also, Calvin was supposedly this amazing competitor at Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Turns out he wasn’t. I pulverised him - let’s just leave it at that. “I’ll defeat all of you here.” Yeah, sure, whatever helps you to sleep at night. I was particularly happy to see Yusuf considering the two of us hadn’t conversed in ages. It was good to see him too. But yeah. I mean, we pretty much emulated the last event with just about the same games, too. Naruto, Super Smash Bros, Call of Duty. Pokemon Puzzle League. Mario Kart. And at one point we all headed out to buy food at Maryland Pizza, this local chicken shop in my area. And it was a nice walk with them. I literally left the house in orange chino shorts and some plimsoles and a quilted jacket. Susan kept calling me an Essex boy, but I didn’t see it. I still don’t now, aha. But that sort of helped our hunger for a while.

Food; I fed all of them at my house. I’d like to believe that I provided standard hospitality at my house. I prepared rice, handed food out to people, had drinks available, opened a couple bottles of Supermalt. You know, the sort of hospitality you’d like to have. Whilst still being around in the group. And I’d like to believe that they all enjoyed themselves. They seem like they did. Boundaries begin to fall when you’re in a group like that. And that’s a lovely thing. Because we’re all on the same wavelength, and that is to enjoy oneself and have some food and play a couple games. 

But no, yeah, I’d like to think of it as a little gathering. Maybe something I decide to do again some time in the near future. 

And about that basketball anime. It’s called Kuroko’s Basketball or Kuroko no Basuke, and it’s actually an amazing anime. Think of a typical basketball game, but throw in overly exaggerated dunks and special effects and what you’d normally expect from an anime targeted towards the whole shounen male population. It’s an amazing anime and if I decide to watch more episodes then I’ll be sure to inform you of it.

But that’s as much as I want to comment on right now. I’ve left them for thirty minutes now; talk about bad hospitality.

If there’s anything more to say I’ll have an update. Chances are we’ll be up for a couple more hours. If not, then thank you for reading.

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

It was the first Christmas alone as a family in years, if you wanted to know the truth. The last two Christmases had my mum’s brother’s family over. That’s another four people. They were over for the past two years. Plus Alex, my family friend slash cousin. Plus Kyle who has been over consecutively for the past couple years. Plus the years back when my mum had remarried and her husband and his daughter lived with us for a couple years. I never once called him dad. Just thought I’d point that out. He was never a father to me. Lovely guy, just not a father. Anyway. So yeah, we didn’t have any troublesome relatives or family friends or even just friends round this year. And I guess that’s what made it so lovely. The fact that the five of us could just sit down together and spend some time together. I don’t see how any family could want anything more than that. If a family is complaining for more then I don’t believe they deserve it.

I had incredibly weird dreams today. One of them had a dream within a dream, too. The first being a trip to a clothing store with Emmanuel. God knows what store it was, but a store it was nonetheless. And then we began to fight. I don’t even know why we did, but we did. And I’m not sure if a lot of my readers watch anime or not, but if I were to describe the fight, it would easily resemble a scene from an anime. Especially if you’ve watched or heard of both One Piece and Naruto, because I go both “Second Gear” and “Kyuubi Chakra Mode”.  And the worst part of it all was that Emmanuel dodged every hit, and then we began to dance. From The Dougie to Candy, we danced. It was a fucking weird dream I tell you. The sales assistances did fuck all, too. 

The second dream was a little creepy, I’ll give you that. It started off me searching up “Indian gods” on Wikipedia. Don’t ask me why I did, I just did. And up came this entry on a god called Aquawaterra. Which is funny because my brain clearly took that name from Aquaterra. It’s a Leisure company. Ah, our brains. Such weird tools. Anyway, the image of the god resembled Zoidberg from Futurama, but more respectable looking, much larger and with prominent markings over its body. And at this point - in pure daylight - I decide to head to bed. And all of a sudden I awake in a large mudfield. I mean it. Mud as far as the eye could see. The sky is purple, the air hazy. It was goddamn scary I tell ya’. And then all of a sudden the ground shakes a little, and to my right is Aquawaterra, and it’s humongous. It’s absolutely colossal. And it’s red. And oh, just to make things worse, it’s also an octopus. And I’m there absolutely dropping bricks from my anus as it eats everything in its path. Imagine a Zoidberg-looking colossal red octopus and convince me it wasn’t creepy at all. And then I ran. Hell, I ran and ran but the mud was too damn thick. And then Shobikkan came running in from nowhere with me, and we just ran and ran. And then he suddenly blurted out something quite significant about this mudfield of ours. Turns out the mud we were running on were holy passages of this Aquawaterra. And so I looked down, and lo and behold, the mud had writings. That killed me. At that point in time I would have happily dropped to the floor and given in because it angered Aquawaterra. And Emmanuel soon arrived again - God, he never stops, does he? And we kept running and running, and running. And I began to leap. And leap I did. And I didn’t stop leaping until I finally woke up. Goddamn it, that mud felt like quicksand. And it’s 10:46 in the morning right now. I thought I’d wake up and draft this down before I forgot such these weird dreams. 

… Anywho.

So anyway, now that Christmas is over and the new year is approaching, what are we waiting on? I mean, as humans we’re constantly waiting on something to happen. We’re waiting for a school holiday, or we’re waiting until our first kiss or our 18th birthday or Christmas or New Years or summer. Or for the weekend to come round. I mean, we’re constantly waiting for life. Yet what’s sad is that people miss out on the beautiful moments in our present time. Because we’re spending our lives waiting, and waiting, and waiting for tomorrow and a future. You may just end up waiting a whole life and skipping it all. And then when the final day comes you’ll spend it not knowing that tomorrow will never come. So what are we waiting on, and why? Can’t we just do more now? I keep telling myself that I’ll go out and visit more friends. I keep telling myself that I’ll work harder, and I keep telling myself that I’ll make more of an effort in school and around friends. But I don’t know. It’s far too late in the year to keep questioning myself like this. But then again it’s just so damn close to the new year that you’ve got to think of things you want to change in life. But then what am I waiting on? Why must we wait until a new year to want to change? I mean, why do we wait until it’s a little too late and we’ve been reeled in by death and our empty bodies lay on a platter. I know that’s some unorthodox thinking but why wait? I know I’ll attempt to change after this but these ideas for me are always so short-lived. And I’m always waiting. I am waiting on my 18th, I always await school breaks, summer, the weekend. I await the day I go to university, the day I marry the love of my life and the day I hold my child for the first time in my arms. But wishful thoughts get you nowhere if you can’t spend life in the present.

Again, a lot of the want to change is for friends. I’m content at home, my home environment is fine and nobody really complains much. But it’s just when I’m around others. I’d hate feeling like I’m severing ties with friends, because I’m not. I mean some friends should be over tomorrow so that isn’t the case, right? Like Susan is coming over so clearly I’m not severing things, right? Maybe I’m over thinking  and then sometimes I really don’t give a shit because I know that things turn out all right. But take Sadian for example. This whole “best friend” image has been annoying as of lately, but that doesn’t defeat that he’s one of my closest friends. In fact it’s both our faults that this image was brought on us, it’s not like he’s done anything wrong. But as of lately I’ve felt like there was something done wrong that brought us to that point. But there hasn’t been anything. Well, no, not for me. I’m not sure how many friends he is able to call on who are as close as Le-My and I are to him, that’s the thing. I’ve always had an abundance of friends be them acquaintance or close. Even then, I’ve had really reliable close friends and still do now. I wonder how it is for him. This was written before I read his blog. I’m not even sure when the blog was made, and that’s quite bad of me.

And this is me after reading his blog:

Some months back Sadian told me that he wanted to create a blog, and I’m not quite sure what my response was but I was for this. He then told me that he would start after the 21st of December. You know, the supposed end-of-the-world day. A new beginning following the end of something. There’s always a beginning following the end of something. That’s an amazing date to start on. I had no legitimate reason for starting mine on whatever date it was. I don’t even know what date I started on, I’d have to scroll all the way back down to find it. But that’s not a problem. I didn’t need a legitimate reason to start this or a legitimate date because that’s not how life is, y’know? But it’s nice to have a clear start and meaning behind a journal. Memoir. That’s what these are. They’re memoirs. I’ve constantly desired for this to become a little book and I plan for that to happen. Okay, well, no, not a little book. If anything I may have to split this into three books because of how long it may be. Anyway, I’m running on a tangent. My rambles. So he started a blog, and just like any beginning you need an introduction. And structure, and commitment, and he seems to have all of them. I won’t begin to describe everything on his blog especially seeing as there’s only been a couple days worth of entries. But they’re lovely. Lovely in the sense that he really is able to pour down how he’s feeling and what he’s feeling. And it’s funny, us bloggers. Us male bloggers. Shobikkan, Sadian, myself. We’ve got a lot of issues deep down. Be them complexes or family issues or insecurities. We’ve got them and we just don’t show them. There’s no need to show them, and that’s the thing. We are happy people. I mean, we are content people with life. Sure, we may desire more from time to time. We may withdraw ourselves from time to time. But we really can be happy people. And we really can appreciate things. Anyway, it wasn’t a surprise to find myself mentioned in his blog, just as he has been now mentioned 333 times. Including this entry. Man, we really must be glued together, right? More or less. Anyway - that’s another thing people struggle to do. To not stray from the topic. And it almost made me feel bad. I mean, bad in the sense that I’ve done wrong as of lately. And it’s true, I won’t deny that. Especially with this recent “best friend” circumstance. I remember some time this summer at one of our Hyde Park drink ups, we all got a little drunk. And I remember this one quite well actually, aha, because this was the day Kakay was literally slobbering over Sadian. And I’d drag him away every couple minutes or so because he really didn’t want to kiss anyone at the time following his break up with Choi-Ha. And this one time I dragged him away and we sort of ran, and ran, and ran until we were out of their reach. And the sun gleamed down us on and we sat their laying on the grass. And he thanked me for it, jokingly, and called me his best friend. I’m not sure if he even remembers this and if he does I doubt it’s been on his mind as many times as it has been on mine. Because Tu has called me his best friend before when drunk. And it’s not fair to hear this when people are drunk. Just as it’s not fair to hear people ask for a relationship from you whilst drunk. I’m not sure if I mentioned it here, but Phillipa did just the same back in summer, too. This one time I was helping her find a toilet in the park and she laid that on me all of a sudden. That killed me and I just laughed it off. I think I’m using this whole “killed” term wrong now. But I don’t care. And hey, I’m off on a tangent again, but that’s okay. Rambles are okay. Where was I? 

Right, the issue of being called a best friend. I didn’t as so much take it to heart considering the fact that they were both drunk, but there was definitely meaning behind their intoxicated words. And I still appreciate those two words from their mouths as much as I appreciated it at the time. And as much as I don’t like to admit it, if I were to ever have best friends, it would have to be the two of them plus Michael who never really does much. In fact, I could care less if he knew of this blog or not. I don’t think he does and that doesn’t bother me at all. Michael’s a weird one, he is. And I love him for that. So those three. As much as I do love Tony, we’re no longer as close as we used to be. As close as the days where he would come over and sleep over my house on a school night. But that doesn’t bother me. We still do talk, and that’s all I need. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll have an outing with the five of us. It was once four, but now Sadian included it’ll be the five. And who knows, maybe that number may just increase.

But then see. See, that’s the problem. I have many close friends outside of that five. I feel almost bad that they’re not in that. That’s why I don’t throw around the concept of a best friend around because it really does seclude them, for me, from others. I mean, I have a flame. My fire ignites as I grow closer with my friends. But am I building this empire up or using this flame to burn it down? 

Anyway, back on the real topic, again. I apologise for ethics being broken, but:

“He truly does mean a lot to me. Over the past year, being with him has allowed me to be stronger and sincerely happy. He’s been there for everything that has happened to me the last year and I really appreciate that. The reasons I can stay optimistic and look past all the shit in life is because of the bond I’ve made with him and his current presence in my life, which is quite significant. However, it’s become too significant to the point where I’m feeling I’ve become someone who depends too much on him. That is not what any of us want. I don’t want to be a burden on him and I also want to be someone who can be completely comfortable both on my own and with him next to me. I’ve only recently realised how dependent I can be. He makes me more confident, more social, more comfortable. He helps me come out of my shell, but I need to learn to do that on my own. I really hope I’m not a burden on him at all.”

And I’ve definitely felt that. I’ll admit. I’ve felt a strong influence on him in this past year, and so have others. In fact, Shabeena and Aysha and I were talking about this the last time the three of us were at the library. They tell me how much of an influence I’ve been on him in the past year. And almost this subconscious change he’s had. And I appreciate that they tell me that I’ve been a good model for him to build on. But, “build on”. That’s not quite fair on him now. I mean, come on, he’s 17. But I have no noticed it. And I’m sure he doesn’t mean to do it. I don’t think anyone means to consciously build on someone else. There was an image I found months back, and the same image I showed him and he quoted on in his blog reading: “You are the books you read, the films you watch, the music you listen to, the people you meet, the dreams you have, the conversations you engage in. You are what you take from these. You are the sound of the ocean, the breath of fresh air, the brightest light and the darkest corner. You are a collective of every experience you have had in your life. You are every single day. So drown yourself in a sea of knowledge and existence. Let the words run through your veins and let the colours fill your  mind.” And it’s true. It definitely is. But it’s also true that by recognising the differences between yourself and others, you establish your identity as yourself. But about the whole subconscious change. It’s true that I’ve noticed that he has somewhat emulated me in some respects. But they’re not substantial, don’t get me wrong. Like, for starters whenever we’re looking over one or the other’s conversation, we sound just about as identical as a pair of twins. And I’ve noticed that he’s emulated the same two-finger salute-flick I’ve done. I get it, it’s not my own copyright thing, and I don’t do it all the time, but if I were to answer where he began to do it from, it’d be from me. And I don’t mean to boast or “big” myself up at all. Not at all. That’s the last thing I ever want to do in a situation like this. And again, I’ve lost where I am.

I’ve decided to call a rain check on my friend Jannat who I was supposed to say hey to today. Instead, I’ve sent Sadian a message and I should be meeting with him later on to discuss things. Nothing bad, don’t get me wrong. And then I’ll probably head down to Michael’s house with Tu. I think this entry will be much easier to write after seeing him and seeing Michael and Tu. The two latter and I don’t really have conversations like this, but I think we might as well. Chances are I’ll see them and we’ll start having a laugh with Leon and then just forget about ever wanting to talk about things.

And it’s 23:30. And just like I said before, I forgot about ever wanting to talk about things. I really have. I really don’t care for what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk to Sadian about the things on his blog, but now it really doesn’t bother me. I told him not to consider himself as burden to me and that was that. There really wasn’t much more needed to talk about. In fact things would have been longed out if we met up. I did want to meet up though. I definitely wanted to try out my new “spot” down at Victoria Park. The same place me and Leina sat down and spoke about things and the very same place we split at. I really like the location. It’s almost as if I’m on a minuscule pier and the little pond is an ocean of some sort, or something like that. I like that spot. It’s now my spot, whether others like it or not. And I will feed ducks as they paddle towards me. But where do the ducks go when the water freezes over? Holden Caulfield asked that same question. I’d rather not know a legitimate answer now. I think it’s best left open. And anyway, yeah. Friendships shouldn’t have these small talks and awkward moments at all. Not at all. If anything we should be in a little group with laughter and jubilation, and then a moment of silence to appreciate the friendship. And in that moment express the woes inside but how they’ve made this friendship what it is. It’s 23:46 and none of this really concerns me now.

I threw on the shirt my mum bought me, opened a bottle of Supermalt and took two with me, and then I headed out. And it was raining outside, and I embraced it a little. But it was a little cold and I’m not one to wear multiple layers of clothes, so I wanted to get over to my spot and then do what I wanted to do and then head over to Michael’s. But there were disruptions. Seeing as it was Boxing Day and all, traffic was at an all-time high. Ten buses went on past me full that I could have hopped onto. Ten. I counted. I could see people walking from previous bus stops past my bus stop, and I eventually joined them. It reminded me of the Walker City in Flood where Grace spent so many years of my life. If anyone truly wants to appreciate my being, read Flood and Ark. Aha. 

Anyway, since the transport service was in shambles I called it quits. Sadian didn’t mind all that much and I then managed to jump onto the first bus heading down into Plaistow. It was so damn congested, I’ll give you that. I was squashed onto the window of the bus door. Good God, you should have seen it. The bus driver didn’t open up the doors for a good three stops. I arrived at Michael’s with Tu some time around- uhm. See, I don’t quite remember. But it doesn’t bother me much. The six hours there went on by before you even knew it. And that’s what I want. And I know I can have that. When time just goes on by so fast without a worry at all. Without a need to stop and talk about the problems. And we can have that. The problem is, we’re overthinkers. We are the generation of overthinkers. But when you’ve got three guys, one brother, one sister, one father that loves playing video games just about as much as his sons and one adorable mother, you really have no justification for any problems that may arise. Aha. And I won’t even go on into my time at Michael’s because it’s as commonplace as every other visit. Oh, I went to see Lister today, too. I hate it. It looks annoying. I thought to see Jenny, too. She lives on the road of the school, but perhaps another time would be more fitting. Not that I care - no, not at all. I just thought showing my face to her dad would be nice. He really liked me, that’s all. I feel bad actually. I feel bad for suddenly become a ghost on him. One day. Oh, there’s this game we were playing over at Michael’s called Plague Inc. It’s a cool app, definitely check it out. And oh, apparently I’m the only one that gets a headache when they’re hungry. Michael doesn’t. Tu doesn’t. Leon and Christine don’t. The person over the counter at the chicken store doesn’t. Why do I get headaches when I’m hungry? Aha.

And well, yeah. That’s about it. Good God, looking back briefly on this entry I feel a little silly bringing up all these friendship issues and what not because in all actuality, these issues should be, and might as well be, inexistent. But then again, like this very entry’s title, what are we waiting on now? We’ve got to amend friendships and bonds before it’s too late. Because who knows, we may just be waiting on a tomorrow that will never come.

Three, two, one. Bang. You’re gonna carry that weight.

Thank you for reading.  

Take care, thank you and sweet dreams. Goodnight.

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

Insanity is sane.

Dear reader,

Merry Christmas! Today has been a nice day. Christmas is always a lovely day in our home to be fair, but still, with things missing this year like the Christmas tree you’d think that things would feel weird. But it wasn’t.

This year was the first year we didn’t have a Christmas tree on. But the thing is, as much as I am annoyed we don’t have a Christmas tree up, I’m also a little glad. I’m a little glad because we’re so bad at taking the trees back down. This one year we didn’t take it down until March. I promise you. March. It took us three months to take down one Christmas tree. The older we get, the less bothered we are. Hopefully next year will be better when it comes to setting up a Christmas tree.

I woke up around eleven and was flooded by greetings on my phone. That was lovely, although everybody gets them so it didn’t really bother me much. I replied to a couple and sent a couple out myself. But because they’re so commonplace on Christmas Day and New Years it really doesn’t bother me if I get any or not, or too many or too little. But whatever, right?

I came downstairs around noon and there already was Emmanuel and Daniel watching some Christmas Specials. They’re always playing at this time of the year. And we’re always watching them. The Simpsons, Grinch and a whole lot of other Christmas specials. And it’s nice to just sit there for a while and sink in all this festiveness. The fact that today was Christmas made it a little more festive. And in the living room you could smell the food - oh God, the food. It tortured us. The food wasn’t ready until three in the afternoon. Three hours of that torture. Chicken, fish, turkey, soups - you could smell it all. And we’d be there crying our hearts out for it to be cooked faster. But oh, before that we like unwrapped presents and stuff. My presents were clothes and stuff so there wasn’t much unwrapping for me, but others got stuff too. But the thing is, the older you get the less it’s about the presents and more about bringing the family together. When we were younger - God, when we were younger - we didn’t even have space to put the presents. That’s how many presents we’d get. Presents from school, from parent(s), from neighbours- neighbours! We had this old neighbour who had a son called Tyler. His mum bought Emmanuel a skateboard once! She was a lovely woman. They used to have an N64 and all sorts of crazy toys. Shit man, if there was any friend I wanted to leech from when I was younger it would have been him. And Tarryk. Goddamnit Tarryk. He had everything I wanted. If there was a new Nintendo console out, he’d have it on the first day. If there was a new Zelda game out he’d have it on the first day. And then I’d either get a knock on the door or a phone call asking if I wanted to come over. Hell yeah I wanted to come over. I went round every time. Great friend, aha. 

Anyway, yeah. It was just laughs and laughs which you don’t really hear much in the house as a whole. In the sense that the whole family is in the same room at the same time laughing. And that’s why days like these are such blessings. When the food was prepared we all ate in the main room. We normally eat in the dining room but because my mum is holding TVs storage for a friend of hers we’ve had to use the living room. And I didn’t mind. 

So here’s the quirky thing with my family - or more so my mum. Every Christmas before we eat my mum has us sing happy birthday to Jesus. I think it’s a lovely gesture, as cheesy and odd singing it as it may be. But we’ve always done it, and I would have thought it weird if we didn’t do it. Whether or not I wanted to is a different story, but I still find it a nice gesture. My mum then prays and then we eat. And the food - goodness me - it was delicious. The turkey was seasoned so well, the stews cooked well. The drinks laid out. For some reason I’ve been drinking a lot of Supermalt lately. It’s not even that nice. And while we ate the whole family watched Tangled together. I think every living soul was watching Tangled at the same time.And Emmanuel and I were on a sofa, Martin was on a couch, Daniel sat on the floor for some reason and my mum rested on another sofa. She was using a neck massager we’d bought her and she looked well comfortable. And the movie was nice. It was great watching it again, especially during this festive season. And to make Martin laugh? You know it’s a good movie when Martin laughs. And it was nice. Watching my mother rest on the sofa after her hours of cooking.

We later took out some Christmas crackers and at this point Daniel got a little annoyed. He’d been a little annoyed beforehand because Martin changed the channel whilst we were watching Tangled and Daniel really wanted to watch it. But anyway, we’ve got the crackers and I crack mine, and I get marbles. Daniel cracks his and he gets some shitty looking fuck-knows-what-it-is thing. And I’m there laughing a little, my mum’s laughing a little. He then pulls one with my mum and my mum gets a cute deck of playing cards, Daniel pulls another and he gets this shitty yo-yo. And we’re laughing hard and he’s not happy at all. And then he wants my marbles and I’m like “no”. And then we pull one last time and I get a plastic harmonica. And that kills him. I start whistling with it and he goes to the corner and puts his hands on his ears. Aha, bless him. He really did have no luck at this. 

And then The Lord of The Rings came on. The first one. The rest’ll be showing tomorrow and the day after. And I watched it all. It was long, I’ll give you that. They’re always long. They’re all at least three hours each. I’ve never read the book but I can tell that it’s a lengthy book at that. And there’s The Hobbit in cinema at the moment which is a prequel to this. And that’ll be a trilogy, too. I’m not sure if I’ll be up for the bandwagon because I’m not the biggest LOTR fan but I know it’ll be a good film. I’ll have to finish watching the two sequels before I feel confident enough to see it anyway. Good movie. I love the soundtrack. The theme song for it is just so goddamn beautiful, I’ll admit.

And so here I am now. Emmanuel’s on his new netbook and Daniel’s still playing his games. It’s not so much about the gifts anymore, I guess. But if it’s the time of year when we’re brought together then it’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

It’s already Christmas Eve. It’s come so fast, it doesn’t even feel like it is. It doesn’t even feel like Christmas tomorrow… Good God, it’s Christmas tomorrow!

This year doesn’t feel festive at all. We haven’t even put the Christmas tree up. We’ve put it up every year way before Christmas Day, but this year we haven’t. Martin’s busy doing his work, Emmanuel and I aren’t as motivated to do so this year, Daniel hasn’t said a word about it and my mum just waits on us to do it. And gifts this year have been clothes or laptops and stuff so there’s no wanting to put it under a Christmas tree. Hopefully we do though. I mean it just wouldn’t be right without one. If we don’t then we don’t though. Emmanuel is kicking me off the computer now so I’ll report back in some time. Life’s a bit boring when you have nothing planned.

Right, it’s 20:44 and I’m a bit stuffed. I’m not sure what time I typed up that part of the entry but it doesn’t bother me. Daniel’s friend Kyle came over again and Tarryk popped around too. And it was festive, I’ll give you that. For the past couple years Kyle has come over our house for Christmas and we always welcome him. As much as we may wonder why he comes over it really doesn’t bother us. We’re always feasting on Christmas Day and the food doesn’t really finish until a couple days later. And we’ve always got an abundance of Supermalt for some reason. Nigerians love Supermalt. It’s alright, I guess. And while I’m typing this up it’s already Christmas for Amanda in Australia. How cool is that? So we’re all in the same room at the same time. Emmanuel’s on the computer, Daniel’s with Kyle on the laptop, I’m on Skyward Sword whilst Tarryk sits by me on the bed and we’re just going on and on about random things. Tarryk then orders pizza from Pizza Hut too, so we’re having a meal as well. Emmanuel, Tarryk and I then went down Stratford again for a bit more last-minute Christmas shopping. Goodness me it was packed. I’m not surprised though. Last minute shopping is always packed. So yeah. Mum bought in the stuff needed for the food tomorrow. Even though we’re not all that festive as we have been before, tomorrow should be a good day.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

Le-My asked for a call last night and asked me if everything was okay. She was in the room with my whole candle thing. I really appreciated that phone call. Everything was okay though. Everything is always okay with me, aha.

It’s the 23rd of December, 2012 at 16:16, and I’m doing nothing with my life. It’s slowly darkening outside and Daniel here is playing PokePark on the Wii behind me. And it’s not so much that I feel sunken but more so that I just have no plans for the day. You know by now that I can’t work at home let alone a Sunday at home. And so I don’t know what to do. I haven’t said much to friends today either. I could give Michael and them lot a call and say hey but then again I don’t quite feel in the mood for that either. My chest hurts. I mean, it doesn’t hurt-hurt. But you know that feeling when you’re just so empty that it hurts? Like when you’re so damn bored that it hurts? I don’t know. I guess it’s that feeling. And Dalma is trying to talk to me and I really don’t care for the conversation. I’m not even replying back. Le-My and Shobikkan are right, I don’t even know why I still talk to her. I don’t really nowadays, but she’s around again. I remember talking to Leina about her when we spoke about past flings, and Leina asked if I’d ever talk to Dalma again. I said I wouldn’t. What does that say about me. I’ll cut off communications again, just this time I won’t just block and delete her like I did last time. 

Anyway, I’ve been listening to The Jackson 5 - or The Jackson 5ive, The Jacksons, Jacksons or whatever you want to call them - for the past sort of day or so. I feel like I’ve just missed out so much on a genre of amazing music whenever I listen to them. I don’t know. I’m not really in the mood for much. It’s 16:39 and I’m going to try find some food. Sitting in the dark like this really doesn’t help any vibes.

It’s 17:08 and everybody is doing their own thing. Emmanuel is asleep by me on the bed; Martin is in his room doing whatever he does for his Medicine studies; Daniel is downstairs on the laptop and my mum is in her room watching a Nigerian movie. And then there’s me. Daniel (school one) took a really good photo of me yesterday, and I don’t say that much about photos of me. I put it as my profile picture but moved back to the one of me at Hyde Park as soon as I could. I want the picture up there because it’s good but I like the Hyde Park one as my default. So if people want to see the other one then can sort of just scroll through the images to find it. He really did take nice photos yesterday. I’m going through the album again as I type, and damn, he did take nice photos of just about everyone. Fuck, I’m bored. I’m going on about photo albums. I do like that photo though…

It’s 17:58 and, God, I keep coming back and forth to this entry. I’m waiting for the food to finish cooking so I can eat and watch some How I Met Your Mother. I wonder how others spend their Sundays.

Right. It’s 18:16 and I’m now watching some How I Met Your Mother. 

Right. It’s 21:34 and I’ve just finished watching seven episodes of How I Met Your Mother. Just glad to be up to date on it now. That and finding other ways to waste time today. Ted made a reference to The Catcher In The Rye. I thought that was pretty damn amazing. “Marvin can’t stop crawling. He’s Holden Crawlfield”.

I might just call it quits actually. Could do with an early night. And oh, Emmanuel is still sleeping to my left. You can call his name and he’ll reply, but then he’ll just drift off again. I guess he’s been pretty damn deprived of sleep. Sometimes he just can’t sleep and that’s why he’s sometimes up when I wake up. That he’s actually just been up the whole night. Sometimes I question whether it’s insomnia, even. I hope he’s okay. And oh, that feeling of whatever it was at the start of this entry is long gone. That’s why I appreciate these over-the-day entries because my mood changes quite a bit. It changes for a lot of people. 

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

Bombay Bicycle Club - Dust On The Ground.

I guess a lot has happened these past two days. I’ve also experienced some ups and downs, but I’ll get to that. I don’t expect anyone to read all of this. Except my future children: you better read everything.

I didn’t go into school on Friday. This Friday to mark the end of the school term the school was to be open up until break time. And I only have one period before break time on Fridays and so I thought fuck it. And so that’s why I didn’t go in. And with my rebel movements I was able to go shopping with Emmanuel in the morning. And it’s nice to go around with him, I’ll tell you that. The older we become the less we’re able to do things together such as shopping and going places. When we were younger, Emmanuel and Martin would take Daniel and I to our nearby park - West Ham Park - and just let us lounge around or buy ice cream. My mum would come every now and then too. But anyway, yeah. Having older brothers is a blessing. Emmanuel and I roamed around Westfield looking for various things, and in that time I saw at least five people I knew. I saw Rameesha and Rajvir and some year twelves and some people I know outside of school. And I wondered why they were out shopping this early in the morning. Emmanuel bought me a shirt and a pair of shoes and we bought Daniel games: Kingdom Hearts 3DS and Heroes of Ruin. Well not the former because it was sold out at the place, but we’ll get it some time this week. Emmanuel’s bought himself a Netbook so his gift is out of the way. No clue what Martin is getting. And our mum’ll be getting something soon. This is by far the least festive Christmas yet. We don’t even have our Christmas tree up. We’ve always had it up like a month early. We’re not growing out of the festive season, no, just this time nothing has happened yet. 

And so when all of the shopping was over I headed back to my area and had a bit of a trim. After relaxing my hair it shot out of control and so, yeah, I got a trim. It looks how it normally looks anyway. But cleaner and more taken care of. And then in good time I got myself right out and headed to Rittim’s second house down in Plaistow. The party, remember? I’d been hyping up this day for a while in these entries. But I’m here early. Five hours early. And at the house is Rittim, Florence and Harry and we’re just setting things up and testing out the strawberry-scented fog machine, lightings, the LED balloons and candles and what not. Florence had to leave to go home and change and do other things but the three of us stayed around. And then we went to get some food and on the journey there Rittim mentioned the story of this one time he was more-or-less mugged. I’ve been mugged once, if you want to know the truth. I don’t talk about it. I never talk about it. Not that I’m ashamed - to be frank I don’t care much about what happened - I just see no reason to deliberately open up about shit like that. But I told them, and it was the first time I’d told someone. I only told them because Rittim spoke about his. I won’t mention it right now because I’m not in the mood for it. But I might eventually. It isn’t a big deal though. Muggings are never a big deal. Especially when I see the guy randomly in my area a lot, and he sees me.

Anyway, we’re back at the house and with hours to waste we watch Project X. Project X is a fucking sick movie. It’s about this “loser” kid and his two friends who plan to gain popularity by throwing a party, a plan which quickly escalates out of their control. He goes high school and basically throws the sickest house party ever. And the house gets so fucked up but it’s just so goddamn sick that even the pissed off dad is kinda happy about it by the end of it. “The party you’ve only dreamed about.” It’s a pretty damn sick film. I’d say if you want to get a little hyped for a party then watch this beforehand. Do not that the party would never be like this one, though. Can’t raise expectations that high.

And then in the following hours people began to come on in. Just guys though. Mimi was the first girl to arrive. Oh, the party started at seven, but you know that nobody ever arrives on time. She did though. People did slowly seep in. Sivarim and Rajan came too and with them was their smell of food. They’d smoked themselves clean. Boy, they really enjoyed themselves. Girls. There were a lot but I really can’t be bothered to name them. We had red cups too, and fuck, it looked amazing. Harry and I were bartenders for the night. Or for the start of the night anyway, mixing drinks and handing them to people and what not. You basically had about forty of us in the house. It was basically a Seven Kings’ party with people like Mamta, Florence, Rameesha and others there. Mirela and Dominic and Jules, too. Ah, Mirela. Choi-Ha and Le-My came, too, and Shobikkan and Serena and just about anyone that spoke to Leems really enjoyed her company. She got so overly happy about that over the phone, aha. Because I can’t be bothered to name names just make the image of silhouettes in your head dancing in the fog and flashing strobe lights. The whole vibe of the party was really, really good. I mean I really enjoyed myself. And we had our own rooms. I did anyway. Harry, Ashley and others did too. And on our doors we had our own little “Do Not Disturb” signs with our names over it. Mine said “Christian’s Lair”, and under it: “Apple Cinnamon scented room”, “I’d prefer Mikael you not welcome yourself in.” I’m glad Mikael took that as a joke. It was all a laugh anyway. And yes, I did literally bring in an apple cinnamon scented candle to give my room a good smell. And people loved it. Girls did, I’ll admit. Mimi was in my room for a while, if you know what I mean. I don’t remember how I took her up but I did. And people kept knocking on my door questioning if I was with someone because I apparently disappeared from the lot for quite a while. Funny thing about my time with Mimi right: As we were heading back down into the party she stopped me and had this conversation with me,

Her: “We should take this a little further”,

Me: “Oh [… Oh ;) Just kidding.], how so?”,

Her: … “Like we should go into a relationship”,

Me: “… Oh”,

Her: “Yeah…”,

Me: “You think so?”,

Her: “Yeah, I do. But let’s talk about this tomorrow on WhatsApp when we’re sober”,

Me (sighs in relief): “Yeah, let’s do that”.

You can’t drop something like that on someone when you’re taking them back down into the party. You just can’t. After speaking with her the next day everything was sorted out. Her reasoning behind it was a little awkward to hear though. “It felt so nice so I got carried away”. It’s all fine now. All fine.

And I continued to dance with people and we all had glow sticks and the mood was really good. Outside in the garden you had people talking and taking photos (including myself) and in the kitchen you had people talking, and in the main room you had people dancing. So it was a good night. People began to leave around midnight and at that point my memory is a little hazy. A lot of just began to lounge around in each others rooms. Like a lot of us were upstairs in Rittim’s attic room on the bed or on the bed in the bedroom downstairs… 

We broke the bed downstairs. There was about nine of us; Dominic, Le-My, Choi-Ha, Agim, Sadian, Karanjit, Mikael, Justin and I. It just about snapped when Serena walked into the room to say goodbye to us since she wasn’t staying. And when she came to give us a hug all of our mass focused onto the centre of the bed, and then it gave way. We’ll pay for it. The party died down, and then it was nice. More or less. Karanjit and I were in our room. He didn’t have a room of his own and I really didn’t mind him sleeping in my bed. He’s quite petite for a guy so there wasn’t any problems with spacing. We took some photos in the bed and in all of them his eyes were closed. It was hilarious. He’s a great guy. He’s the type of guy that if he approaches a girl from behind and dances with them, they wouldn’t mind. And the lighting of the room was dim, and the scent of the candle in the air. That candle. I began to stare into my for some time before Karanjit and I eventually gave into the needs of sleep. I was about to say the needs of our body, but that just sounds homosexual. We fell asleep basically.

And we woke up about an hour or so later. We didn’t sleep all that much. He had to get up early because of work and so left the room to get dressed. And in that time I sat there. It was still dark - it was the 21st/22nd and so being the Winter Solstice and all it was the longest night this year. And so I just sat upright on my bed staring into that candle again. Watching the wax slowly melt into blood. It was extremely peaceful, I’ll give you that. Very much so. Very much so until I got up and showed my face to the others. To Harry and those in his room. And there lay Mirela in the bed and Ashley and others with her. About that; at some point last night I saw them walk upstairs together. I sank a little, if you want to know the truth. But it didn’t bother me at the time. I was having too much of a good time for it to have bothered me. Either way I really didn’t want to be in that room, and so I left. Left back to my room, sat upright on my bed and just did what I did before. Mikael entered my room and I let him sleep on my bed seeing as he didn’t have a room of his own. And I continued to stare into the candle. People came and went, and things didn’t really change much. And in that time I really began to feel green. But that’s not why I was staring to the candle - not at all. I sort of fazed out of it all whilst watching the blood build up. But no, I was just thinking of some things. Like what I value in friendship, and all I want from friendships. All I want is acknowledgement. I mean, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be appreciated and valued and all. And I’ve mentioned this before. But it can hit hard when I want to be acknowledged by someone, or liked by someone and they give their attention to someone else, or they begin to value them more even though I’ve known them for longer. That really does hit hard. And I’ll sit there and have this strong feeling in my chest. God, these thoughts are so stupid. But they’re my thoughts and I take them seriously. Like for example in the room with Mirela in the bed. I couldn’t stand staying in that room. I just had to leave as soon as I could. It’s an annoying complex that I’m sure others have, too. I’d feel a little better if they didn’t though. I’d prefer this to be my own thing, but I’m sure it isn’t. This is something many people share. I couldn’t stand to be in that room as a passer-by. As someone who really wasn’t in the group. With them all talking and all and me just standing there. Not when I want to feel more involved and know that it wouldn’t work out that way. It’s not so much jealousy, mind you. It just makes me feel sad. It’s a horrible feeling. But it’s not too bad, I guess. I don’t ask too much from a friendship. But it can hurt a little when close friends are invited to things by another group of yours that you’re not invited to yourself. And so I can’t stand it sometimes when I’m around someone that purposely craves attention from people. Well, no, not quite. I’m struggling to explain this. With Bon Iver and Otis Redding and The Jackson 5 playing, it doesn’t help the mood at all. I mean, Mirela is just an example of it all. When you want to be acknowledged by someone that everything beforehand becomes irrelevant. For example, sure, I was with Mimi for a while, but because I couldn’t have time alone to talk to Mirela whom I was really glad came, for a while it really did feel like everything before that had become irrelevant. That I really didn’t care about any of my times with people in my room. I don’t think I have a good image around Mirela either. It’s been almost a year since we last met up sober. When we did, we met up at Starbucks with Afshan and Maddie. That was nice. I sort of want to meet up with her this holiday and have a thing just with the two of us. Just to change things. It’s a stupid complex, mind you. But it’s a complex I have. I can feel so fragile at times. It’s such a fucking annoying feeling. Don’t get me wrong though, it’s only when it’s someone I want to be acknowledged by. If I’m not doing something with a group I don’t care too much for then I really don’t care. Like, I really don’t. I don’t care if most people feel this way either, if you want to know the truth. Most people, not all. 

Anyway, I didn’t leave my room for some time. I didn’t really want to go out and check out everyone in the other rooms - I’m not an extension of a friend. Like I won’t stand there not wanting to say something and just laugh about things others are talking about. Don’t fuck with me at all, that’s the last thing I’ll be. I’d rather be in my own room in silence staring into a fucking candle than be an extension of a friend. Even if only one or two people say hey to me in my room it’s still much better than being an extension of a friend. Or a passer-by. Nothing is worse than being a passer-by. Or a hoverer. Or if someone welcomes you in because they feel bad. Don’t piss me off. Anyway, again, I didn’t do much. I sat on the bed complaining when people turned on my light or left the door too open. At one point my room became an orchestra. That was somewhat annoying. Why some people hung around in my room I don’t know. I mean, I didn’t mind too much but I did just want to watch the blood rise. It’s not like I minded everyone that came in. It was nice seeing Le-My and Choi and Mirela and others come and say hey. But I just wanted some time to continue withdrawing myself from everyone. I just felt so distant already that I just didn’t want anything else at the time. I loved that candle. I was quite shy around some people that morning too. They may have no realised, but I was. I just hid under the duvet and listened to music. Bombay Bicycle Club, Yoko Kanno and others. Mikael played some Bob Marley. That was amazing. The Jackson 5 too. That was even more amazing. It’s a shame I couldn’t experience a group like that in my generation. But it became an annoying room to sit in. I mean, I love Ed Sheeran and all but I idn’t ask for my room to become a choir. That killed me. It always kills me when my room becomes an orchestra room.

I said goodbye to Mirela and the others when they began to leave. I was with different girls last night but who I wanted to hang out with the most was Mirela. Not in a perverted way at all. Just some time within all that hype and music to sit down in a room and catch up. I wouldn’t call it a crush at all. But to know that she was in a room with Ashley for so long killed inside. Regardless of what they did in there - Mirela isn’t exactly the type to do the things I overthought about though. It’s like you can get with others but if you don’t get with the one you ultimately want and they’re snatched then it does hurt. It hurts to think about all the things they did in that time. It did at the time anyway. I mean it’s fine now and I don’t really care about that anymore, but still. I’ll be sure to buy more candles by the way.

The more you withdraw the more silent and cold it becomes. And then when people do visit you it just feels that more distant. That more cold. And then you do want to join the group again but by then it’s far too late. And I didn’t want people to purposely think I was doing this. Oh no, I just wanted to stare into my goddamn candle. I hate it when that happens. Everyone questions you whenever you want to stare into a goddamn apple cinnamon scented candle melting into blood. I don’t know. Listening to I’ll Be There by The Jackson Five just makes it a little more down than it needs be.

Anyway, people hung around in my room and various rooms and I made an inch of effort to talk. I couldn’t really remain all that withdrawn anymore. Until more people began to leave. And then it was just Justin (Harry’s mate), Harry, Sadian and Rittim in my room. And music played out loud from my phone and we didn’t really say much. But it was fine. Just a bunch of guys in a room, I guess. Justin fucking works for GlaxoSmithKline, how fucking crazy is that? He’s our age, too. GlaxoSmithKline is the largest pharmaceutical company in the UK, and the fourth-largest in the world. That’s so sick. And oh, by the way I have nothing against Ashley. I have nothing against anyone. They’re all good people. I took two red cups and left eventually with the final lot of us. There, Ashley, Sadian and I bought some food. On the way there Ashley asked if the two of us were “best friends”. I guess some people in my year think like that, too. I clarified that we weren’t and that we were just close friends as I am with others. And I bought some Bonjela because I had this insane ulcer building up. The ulcer was so painful I had to eat the food with only one side of my mouth. I asked Ashley if he thought of anyone as close too and he told me of how a lot of the people he talks to are only acquaintances to him. And I respect that. I think that a lot with people I talk to. Most people I talk to in Seven Kings are acquaintances, and nothing more. A lot of them I don’t see me talking to after I head off to university. But that’s how it is and how it is with most people. Emmanuel talks to one or two people from Seven Kings. I don’t think Martin talks to any at all. Props to Rittim. #EndOfTheWorldParty2012.

Anyway, I eventually got home and the first thing I did was fall asleep. I set an alarm for an hour but I slept for about two and half. And so I woke up around ten past six. And I totally flew out of bed to prepare myself for this dinner Sandeep organised that night. “That night”. This entry is being written on Sunday. It’s Sunday at the moment. But when it arrives on the blog it’ll say that it was posted on a Saturday. I can alter the dates. And so I put on clothes and headed out. I was pretty damn tired though. And when I left the house, Glass In The Park began to play. And it was dark and the rain sprinkled the sky, and it wasn’t cold. It was alright. And on my way to Sandeep’s I called Mamta and she met me at her bus stop. She’d left her spare shoes at the party and so I gave them to her. I waited at the bus stop for a little bit but it was cute to see her run down the road in her home clothes. Hers are cute. My home clothes are ugly, aha. 

And I eventually got to Sandeep’s, and it was nice. It really, really was. Like it was better than what I expected. It was a small group. Sandeep, Zahrah, Mikael, Kiran, Sadian, Agim, Tony (Kiran’s friend), Florence, Shelana, Daniel, Josh, Karanjit and me. And the food people brought in was delicious. I didn’t bring anything in myself but others did, and it was lovely. Mikael made the most amazing chicken curry thing. I mean it. I really wanted to take the bowl for myself and take it all down my throat. That sentence doesn’t sound right, aha. But no, yeah, it was really good. Sandeep’s house is really lovely and she has a little cat. And she has a room in the back with dozens and dozens of books. You look at the books and think, “wow, I’d like to read them all one day.” And on her fridge read “walk away fatty” and an image of a model. Inspiration for weight loss, I suppose. The food was nice, the drinks provided were lovely. We pulled Christmas crackers and we danced a little to music. The photos were lovely and there was even a “mistletoe” people had a little cheeky kiss under. A lot of people sort of cancelled out on Sandeep last minute, so I’m really glad this worked out well. And Mikael played the guitar for us at one point and we all sang to it. To Hey Ya, to I’m Yours.  And we all sat on the couches and talked about each other. About how we all met and the first times we spoke and what we saw of each other when we first met. I was considered “that whore that spoke to everybody”. It was lovely though. I’m surprised they still remember. And we played a lot of old school R&B from the first half of the recent decade. I’m not really for naming songs right now but you can literally give “old school r&b 2000” a search on Google and we would have been singing songs like that. Zahrah complimented me on my music taste, how I knew songs from Indie to these old songs we all grew up on. And I like that about my taste too. That way I’m never really lost when it comes to parties because I know just about all the songs. Maybe not the lyrics but definitely the songs. Sometimes you really just need to get away from parties and school and life and have a small lovely dinner like this. It was a lovely night and I thank her for it. And I’m glad it worked out so well. She had a little panic attack when so many people cancelled last minute. But they missed out on a lovely night. 

The journey home pissed me off. Agim and I journeyed home together seeing as we both travel the same way, and he went on and on about how he should have went with Mirela, and how Ashley snatched her up before him. For fuck sake. Why I tolerate people, I don’t know. He was on about how she was “on him” and how she was “so happy when I took her away from Ashley for a bit”, and- and oh my God, shut the fuck up. I don’t have anything against the conversation itself because it’s not like I’d tell him anything about my thoughts on Mirela anyway. He’s not the type that cares about what you have to say. That’s my take on him. You’ll say something and he’ll be ever so quick to; one, counter it; two, give his own elongated story about something I really don’t care for. And then he’d constantly refer back to how people were “on him”. On Him. For fuck sake. Nobody was on him. I wasn’t always upstairs, I saw what was going on a lot. And it’s like this with every occasion. Camping, Sarah’s party, Sarah’s little hang out down in Wanstead Flats. Honestly, nobody is EVER on him. And so when he has the nerve to say that Mirela was on him, that infuriated me. No, to say that he thought Shobikkan was “on” Le-My when he “left them to talk” pissed me off. But he doesn’t know much when it comes to stuff like this, you can’t blame him. He can go on about politics and other stuff and sound smart and all - I don’t really find him smart sounding, but others do - but when it comes to stuff like this he’s essentially making a fool of himself because his perception of things are always the opposite of it. I don’t enjoy ranting about people so I’ll stop right there. Being able to tolerate people is a good thing. You never really see the benefits of it until you’ve left them. For example, this one guy that went to my secondary school called Thabit was one of the most annoying people at times. He’d talk to me and I’d talk back, but I never really enjoyed it. But at the end of our final school year he thanked me. He’s a tall, built guy, and he thanked me. He said he was annoying and I said that he was, but it didn’t bother him that I did by the end of it. And that’s a lovely feeling. To know that they appreciated the friendship even if I didn’t all that much. I look back at it now and to be honest, he was a decent guy.

And just like the final paragraph in The Catcher In The Rye, I think I’ll sort of miss everybody I told about in this. It’s funny. Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Thank you for reading.  

Take care, thank you and sweet dreams. Goodnight.

“Self-praise is for losers. Be a winner. Stand for something. Always have class, and be humble.” - John Madden

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

“Insanity is sane.”

Apologies. I’ve been out all day and night.

-FallenLegacy.

The talk with Le-My last night was lovely. It lasted about an hour and a half and we managed to catch up from the point of her leaving for Oxford to current days. I also read the card she gave me. I’m not one to over exaggerate but I really really enjoyed it. We spoke for an hour and a half before heading off at 3. She told me about her time there and how her interview to study French and Italian went, and how nice the people were and how much of a community there was at the college. And I had time to say a couple things myself. I mentioned Dalma, and that’s something I tend to not talk about. But I wanted her take on it and my predicament and so I told her recent affairs which weren’t mentioned here. I’ll try promise you to mention it some time before the end of this year, but mind you it’s not something I’ll enjoy talking about. And I read the card she gave me during the time on the phone, and I really, really appreciated it. I really did. I sat there reading it in the dark with the help of my phone light, and at random moments I’d spurt out a little laugh. It was really nice of her, honestly. It was a lovely addition to the Christmas presents she’d given me already. I’ll definitely keep hold of it for a long while and I’ll take a photo of it to show it on this. Or maybe not. That might be embarrassing. At one point I was apparently asleep on the phone. Not so much asleep but I’d stopped responding for a minute or so before suddenly jumping with a, “yeah!”

I went late to sixth form today too. This was intentional, too. After the call I was absolutely knackered and I had no intentions of waking up around six in the morning. So I’d wake up and then sleep through each alarm and woke up ultimately around 11. And then I went in and I didn’t do all that much. I arrived five minute to the end of my Psychology lesson and I didn’t do much in my fourth lesson, I just hung with Mamta, Pritesh, Neeraj, Rohan and Vaju and had a laugh in the canteen. And I had the end of the Geography exam period five, and that was okay. Lunch time was awkward because we had a form party and only a few of us came. That wasn’t cool at all.

Anyway, after keeping Serena and Sadian up at the gate I headed down to Westfield where I found Le-My and rolled around with her as she tried to buy various things. Skirts to boots to earrings to car seats. Car seats, we’ll get to that. Anyway during our walk around we saw Ellie from the True Colours youth centre, that was cool. We were just talking about her and her really nice triangle necklace. We then later saw Mitch at the food court too. Mitch is also a worker at the True Colours thing. His ear lobes are stretched, am I the only person that sort of finds it cool? I’d never do it myself but when it looks good on someone then it looks good. We then headed down to M&S where Le-My bought some yoghurt and a banoffee pie. And I’d bought a 6-inch sandwich from Subways and ate it with her there. Then this waitress approached us with two wine shots and offered them to us. She clearly didn’t care whether we were underaged or not. And so we took it and we gave it a slug. Mulled wine shot. I didn’t mind it, didn’t mind it at all. Le-My on the otherhand was chugging down water instantly, aha. She’s not a fan at all. And she had a bit of a migraine afterwards, too, she’s the ultimate featherweight. At least she’ll be the least affected by liver failure. So anyway, we’re off again and this time we’re off to Mothercare to buy Le-My’s little brother, Dylan, a seat in the car. And so we walk into the store and the two black ladies welcoming us greet us with the weirdest faces ever. As if they just saw two teenagers walk into a store about caring for children. Their faces dropped pretty damn fast, and it was somewhat funny. And the situation became even funnier. We asked someone for help and I didn’t even mean to make things worse. “We need a car seat for a child.” Good use of words, Christian. The assistant didn’t question us at all but then this 14 year old came on by and asked us if we were married. We laughed, Le-My said no and I said that we were. And then she asked if I liked her and said no, to which she responded with “That’s not very nice”. Such a sassy fourteen year old. Le-My and I then spotted Hina from my sixth form and boy was that an odd place to see someone you know. Hina’s extremely pretty. I mean it. And her sister was with her. And oh God, you wouldn’t see such pretty a face ever again. Le-My scolded me a little bit and I just laughed it off. I had to clarify that me and Le-My were getting the car seat for her younger brother, couldn’t have her thinking the wrong ideas too. Aha. For a laugh, as we were leaving the store we put our hand around each other and Le-My then wished the two black ladies at the front a Merry Christmas. From the two of us. “We wish you a Merry Christmas.” That killed me. That killed us. 

We then found somewhere to sit down after walking around for so long and she was then able to put on the earrings she’d just bought. They were these two feathers and they looked really good. Whilst sitting there Le-My spotted someone from her school and I spotted two teachers from Seven Kings leaving John Lewis. I don’t know the names of the teachers I spotted but I’d seen them around. And then other friends of Le-My suddenly appeared from nowhere. What a surprise. Shahida, Amira and Shuley. Anyway they seemed lovely and Le-My was just as happy to see them as they were to see her. We then visited Primark for me to buy these really cool bracelets since I thought I’d get myself new but cheap ones. And then she went to Starbucks to buy a Praline Mocha which she drenched in cinnamon and then that concluded our day.

I then dropped her home down the usual route of the river. And she played music out loud as we walked down the canal. There was this one sassy swan with its wings open on the canal. What a sassy swan. I saw one on the way back too. The Script and Train, and yeah. And we waited for the song to finish before she headed into her home. And I thanked her for the card, and it was the first time me doing so. And I pecked her cheek and told her I appreciated it and then headed off. I really did, if you wanted to know the truth. Truth be told I tend to not care much for things like that in the short term. I have in this case. But I tend to overlook small card or gifts from people, but Le-My took time for hers. She literally wrote an essay on my card. She did on others, but that doesn’t defeat the fact that she did for me too. Trust her to write an essay on a Christmas card.

And then I walked back past the canal. And you wouldn’t believe it. I’d been whistling a couple of songs on the way back - like a bunch of game soundtracks - and I’d began whistling the Super Mario theme song. And then some of them began to travel towards me. And then I stopped walking but continued whistling. And then one more came, and when I was done I’d had five swans near me. This one cheeky one was brave enough to come extra close as I began to kneel down. For fuck sake, I need a better battery for my phone. Its battery life is so poor, it would have been an amazing photo. Choi-Ha says she plans to get me a portable battery charger, aha, and she knows just how useful it would be to me. Aha. But yeah, cool swans. And then I walked off and continued whistling. And it reminded me of yesterday when Sadian told me that my silhouette whilst walking down the canal looked really cool, and uh, yeah, that thought was cool. I’d like to believe I walk in a cool way? And the bus eventually came and then things were as they are.

And oh, I relaxed my hair again today. It looks the same, mind you. A little bit bigger but that’s just because a lot of the roots had grown curly again and so with the relaxing it’d only just straightened them out, too. But yeah, I’m due for a shape up and a levelling of the hair tomorrow.

And that’s that with that. 

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

It’s 23:50 and my day has been very long. For starters, I didn’t really sleep much at all. Power naps do work, mind you. I worked through the night, got what I needed done some time past five, slept for less than hour to then wake up at 6:30 and headed to school. Aside from the small headaches in the early hours of the morning and when I woke up, it went well. 

I got to school just about on time again today. Like I said I had a headache in the morning and sort of sat there half naked in front of the portable heater in the dark. My first period was History and in it we handed in our coursework sections. Bhavish (Indian), this extremely enthusiastic learner managed to get a whole draft of the coursework as a whole. Trust him to do that. I’ve taken out an 800 page on Modern Japan and its history. That’ll be a read. I’ll try pick out a lot of useful factors. Period two was Geography and the mini exam went okay. I say okay because, well, it was okay. I mean mini exams are never really fun now are they? They’re never really fun. 

Break time went on by fast. God, I don’t even remember it. Well, no, I remember trying to find Phoebe (she’s Tanzanian!) in the year below. I’m not bothered to look back on entries but I have this thing where I call her my girlfriend, and that we’ve been going out for the past two years. She’s constantly denying it while I demand that she “tells the truth”. It’s all a laugh and she’s a really nice person. I think it’s a little cute, too. Sometimes I tell her how cute of a couple we’d be, with me picking up her folders for her and dropping her to lesson. Then she just laughs and I laugh and we laugh it off. 

Period three was Psychology, and being our final Criminal Psychology lesson our teacher made a little surprise for us. There’s this website online which allows you to insert a face of a friend onto a dancing elf, and what she did was she literally copied all our school photos and placed our heads on elves. And we watched them dance, and it was hilarious. God, my school photo is so fucking terrible. But it was a laugh, I’ll have to admit. Bless my teacher, she really does enjoy our class.

Fourth period had me in- uh. In, uhm, the library. That’s it. I was with Ailie and Rittim and, soon following, Sadian. He’d arrived late. Rittim (Indian) was showing me a couple of stuff like the playlist he’d prepared for his party on Friday. Two days. Or in the case of the time I’m writing this, less than 36 hours. And his playlist is fucking awesome. It’s a club-themed playlist, and it’s hella good. 

Fifth period was the magazine thing again. And we didn’t do much except talk and discuss the actual make of what our magazine’ll actually look like. Prospects look good though.

And then after school: Because we had hours to kill before the True Colours youth centre, Sadian and I headed down to Rittim’s house down in Seven Kings for a while before heading down to Westfield with him to meet with Choi-Ha, Ailie and Le-My. Rittim’s actual house is lovely, too, and he has an amazing monitor. Two monitors connected - God, I’d love that. And we were then soon out onto the train to Stratford and met with the others. Agim (Kosovan) was there with them, too. Le-My soon arrived as well. We exchanged books too. I gave her The Catcher In The Rye and she gave me Gulliver’s Travels. I plan to read it as soon as possible. And we essentially roamed around different stores as people tried looking for things to buy. I didn’t buy anything myself, I don’t have anything to spend, aha. Emmanuel and I will be going out on Friday though to buy some Christmas stuff. That’ll be good. Anyway, Le-My suddenly hands me a McDonalds bag, and I’m psyched. I’m expecting food, real food. And then I find a sweet in the form of a cheeseburger and I’m there laughing. At least it’s a cheeseburger, haha. I thought that alone was a lovely gesture, but then in the bag was a little gift wrapped. And in it were socks, and then following that was some cologne she bought for me. And the cologne was good. I like it a lot, and others seem to like it seeing as I was complimented quite a bit over a short period. She also handed to me a letter but I’ve yet to read it yet. I’ll read it following this post because after I’m done with this I’ll be giving her a call before heading to sleep. 

Anyway, time at Westfield is up and we’re on our way back to Ilford with Ailie, too. We’re at the youth centre by forty-five past seven. And if you want to know the truth, today at the youth centre was really nice. I thought it was nice anyway. Today there was a Christmas party at the youth centre and everybody was really enthusiastic about it. You had all the volunteers dancing, and that included (I can’t be bothered with nationalities anymore, aha) Natasha, Romi, Aysha, Bev (Zaleka), May, Dion and others. And the members, of course. Mo’, Tyrell, Luke, Alex, Aiden and the others. And they genuinely enjoyed themselves. I’d like to believe that anyway. There was food there too. Chicken wings, samosas, sausage rolls. We weren’t complaining. And near the end there was a little rave in the kitchen with Bev, and that was a laugh. A genuinely laugh. She’d be a laugh to go to a party with. Her, her friend Aysha and the others would be a laugh. But yeah, it was good.

And after leaving we decided to have a slug of vodka. Don’t ask why. It won’t be something I do commonly. I didn’t find it a problem but I didn’t quite enjoy the idea, especially if one slug won’t do anything to me except burn my stomach a little. I guess it was to just see how poorly Le-My might have managed with it and all. And it was raining, and I held the umbrella for Le-My and we dropped her off. I say “we” because it’s constantly the two of us, but that doesn’t help my issue with the image of us at all. See, I did it again, “us”. Just like other friends, Sadian and I are also close friends. Like Tu or Michael or Le-My or Serena or Shobikkan or Harry or Choi-Ha, we’re close friends. “We” I guess is just a simpler way to refer to it. And it was raining, and raining a lot it was. And it was a cold drop to her home, but I enjoyed it. I always enjoy dropping her off. I really don’t like the idea of putting people above others evidently. Like dropping her off all the time but then not dropping another person off. It makes me feel bad. I really enjoy dropping her off, too, and I’ll drop others off if they really want me to. Honest. Just not if it’s a silly request. Like, I’ll drop Serena off if she’d like me to but I’ve yet to go out of my way besides for the two of them. I don’t know. It’s rocky grounds. When we were at Westfield I saw Boaz and Naim, two friends that went Lister. After talking to them for five minutes or so without realising the time I hurriedly apologised and allowed them to go. Agim then asked if they were the “Sadian” to me of my Lister days. And that was an annoying comparison to make because I was never particularly ever close to just one person back in Lister. Like I’ve said, I’ve never had one “best friend.” It didn’t really faze me much though, it was just an annoying comparison. It doesn’t bother me if they don’t really consider me a “best friend” either though. That doesn’t bother me much. I’d like to believe that anyway.

Anyway, I walk with her under her umbrella all the way to her home, give her a hug and head back home. I still haven’t read her letter. Sadian goes on to comment on the river and the rain drops hitting the River Lea, and how the river almost looked solid, and just the whole mixture of the bright cloudy sky and the fall of the rain. And he’s got a point, the river really did look solid and something quite different, I’ll admit. And at this point I was absolutely soaked. And when I got on the bus I sat there soaked half asleep. And when I got off I was just as cold as I was when I got on. But in the rain I tend to not complain too much. I enjoy the rain and I enjoy walking in it. Moderately though. If the rain’s near freezing level then it’s an absolute bitch. Fucking rain.

And today I had an interesting conversation with a couple of people. Sivarim and Rajan, for example, at lunch time. We just spoke about parties and “food” and whether I’d eat food at a party or try any at all, and just parties as a whole. Girls at parties, lad parties- parties this, parties that. They’re good guys. They sort of hang by the stairs near the private study room at lunch, and they’ve always got this ball they throw at me to catch. And then we’re suddenly having a ball throw for a couple minutes, and before you know it your lunch time is gone.

And then there was Harry. I won’t mention anything in particular because it was incredibly soppy. I mean, I don’t have these soppy conversations much, but they’re needed sometimes.  

And so here I am. 01:25. I still haven’t read the letter and I plan to call Le-My now. I won’t have much sleep tonight and I don’t mind. 

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

Looking back on the whole butterfly effect thing, Le-My had to remind me how we actually met. And I’d actually got it a bit wrong and after she told me it all made sense again. Basically, Le-My and her mum and my mum and I both arrived lost in a car park on the first day. I’m not sure at this point if I’d said anything to her yet, but her mum and my mum and me and her were pointed in the direction we needed to go in. And we were so damn wrong. So, so damn wrong. And so we arrived together and sat together. And Choi-Ha arrived late - they went to the same secondary school. And at the break Choi-Ha came on down (lecture room) and sat with her, and that’s when I struck conversation asking if they were twins… I’m not racist, I swear. I don’t think I’ve mentioned much about my friends’ races actually. They’re both Chinese. I’ll put in brackets where friends are from.

I had a power nap for the first time today. That shouldn’t mean much, and it doesn’t, but I thought I’d let you know. The first time I tried I slept around five and woke up in the early morning of the next day and just gave up. Slept for more than twelve hours on a school day. Haha.

Anyway, I enjoyed today. I thought it was a good school day. Remember how I said I thought the week would go on by fast? It sure is. 

I got to school on time again, and Serena (Trinidad & Tobago), Mamta (Indian), Pritesh (Indian) and Vishnu (Indian, lol so many Indians in one paragraph) were on my bus. The first bus anyway, everyone gets on the second bus. Ramya (Sri Lanka) was back in school, too. Shobikkan (Sri Lanka) is still missing from History, and I had a Geography exam today. Part of it, we finish the rest off on Thursday. We don’t know what’ll be on it however. I ended up reading the final question wrong and so I answered it improperly, so that’s my A* gone. No worries, can always try next time. Psychology was okay too, I guess.

What I found most fun about the day was my fourth and fifth periods. I was in the library with Vishaal (Indian) and we were just talking about drunk times, and amnesia and blackouts and what people do when they’re drunk. Amnesia by Skepta, give that a listen. And what really unplanned things people do when they’re drunk, let me highlight that. And he’s done a lot and I’ve done a few, too. He’s a fucking lad to talk with though. I mentioned him some time back during my personal statement write up and how he was just truthful and straightforward and had little care for a self-image and stuff, and it’s true. He’s a funny and “safe” guy. And then we went on about who we’d either fuck, marry or avoid in our year. And we gave some really bad selections, and we laughed so hard we were on the floor clutching our stomachs. Both of us. Not many people were in the library so it was cool, but aha, still. Good guy.

Lunch time was good too. There was this Spotlight event in the common room today where people sang and performed and stuff. You had this guy in year twelve who played on like some Asian drums and then this “Glee” club which Ailie (Scottish) and others were in, and you had others on the piano and stuff- and it was all good. All good.

My fifth period was pretty damn relaxed. There was a bunch of us there in the private study room all huddled up in these two rows. Sandeep (Indian), Sadian (Bangladesh), Harry (half English, half Filipino), Emily (Chinese), Florence (Chinese) and Serena. And we just had a laugh, really. Not so much a laugh but we didn’t really work all that much and Emily and I was watching The Jeremy Kyle Show in her iPhone live streamed. But you could see that none of us were really working. Sandeep maybe, but she was still involved a little. It’s not so much that we did a lot of things but rather the fact that we were a collective bunch that did not give a shit. Aha.

And then I had sixth period, and it was Geography. And I almost fell asleep. My eyes closed and my teacher caught me and told me to stay awake. That was embarrassing. After that my eyes never fell again. And on the bus home with Serena it was the usual. We talk if we want to and if we’re not talking, then we’re not. It doesn’t bother us at all. But when we do it’s a laugh, and we’ve been talking about “fishing rods” and a “catch” and throwing out a line and reeling in a catch or throwing one back out to sea. And Friday, it’s still what I hear people talk about. 

Anyway, when I got home I gave a power nap a go. Apparently they’re supposed to be for thirty minutes or so. Fuck that, I slept for four hours and got up at 11:11. Eleven-goddamn-eleven, sounds like there’s some connection between me and that number. And then Emmanuel asked me to go out and buy him and I some food, and I did. And the stars were out. They’re just fucking goddamn bright lights in the sky. But they’re just so goddamn fucking beautiful.

And so here I am now. I’ll be working through the night to get this section of my coursework done. And I’ve got a bit of revision to do for another Geography exam (Physical Geography this time).

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

I told myself that this being the last week and all before our Christmas break (which for Amanda is summer, aha) that it’ll decide to take its time. But I don’t think it will anymore. I think the week will go on by very fast.

On the way to school today Runa said the most random thing. She’d asked me if Le-My was once my ex, and you should have saw my face. It was like the most random question ever but it was greeted with a laugh. We laughed it off because it really was a funny question. She isn’t, if you weren’t sure. Turns out Zahrah had told her that and when I clarified it with Zahrah she told me how she really wasn’t sure where she got that idea from. She’s not sure if someone told her that or if she conjured up the whole thing randomly.

Today was an alright day. I just about made it on time and my lessons went by as a breeze. I don’t recall doing much work at all, actually. I was down in the common room for the first period with Zahrah and Serena and Ashley and Harry and others talking about what went on at Ashley’s party. It’s all a lot of us talk about nowadays. Someone tried pinning Sabrina’s lovebite on me. That was a laugh, it’s hilarious how I didn’t actually do anything that night yet I’ve been blamed. It’s a laugh though, honestly, I didn’t mind. It’s all we’ve talked about so far. The party, and how Friday’s party will be even better. 

And then came History, and that was fine. Shobikkan isn’t in today and won’t be for a couple days. Sucks. History just won’t be the same without him. A video on the Berlin Wall, that’s all. Period three was another free and it was just like the one before. Not so much boasting, but since it was the topic of the day we just went over it over and over, about Mikael, about Dominik and Sadian and Ashley dancing and this video of Harry, Ashley and I and all the other things that happened. It’s fun though, talking about all this stuff. 

And then came Psychology, but that was boring. Let’s not talk about that. 

And instead of leaving early I decided to stay in the common room because I’d lost the folder I was going to work from. I can’t keep losing this stuff. And so I did some practice work on the LNAT before leaving with Shabeena for the library. And at the library was Maseh and Hamzah, and so the four of us did some work and spoke about universities and actually getting in to universities and what not. At one point Shabeena and I headed down to M&S to buy some chocolate, and on the way there I had a quick look back at the library. And the sky and the library and the cinema sitting next to it and the crescent moon in the sky looked so picturesque. Shabeena was in awe, too. We wanted to take a picture on the way back but when we’d gotten back the sky had already gone much darker and the image no longer as spectacular. It’s a shame, it really did look nice. And the chocolate was a goddamn beaut. And after I did a bit of work I headed on home. And on the journeys home I continue to stare into the abandoned home…

And anyway, that’s about it. I don’t do much when I get home. 

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

Dear reader,

Today I was as fucking phony as you could get. And it killed me inside. Not only mentally, but to watch my mother in all of this really hit hard. It’s 23:29 and I’m not as frustrated with myself as I was before, and in fact I should have wrote this part back then when it really annoyed me. If I did you would have gotten a really fucked up entry. 

Anyway, it’s morning and my mum’s rushing us around because she wants to get Daniel and I into church as fast as possible. There was this Children’s Day thing at church where the younger ones had a role in things like singing and leading smaller prayers and all. It was nice and cute and all, if you wanted my take on it. But I was tired and I hadn’t actually revised what I’d needed to say for my bit ahead. Like I said last week the pastor of the church wanted me to preach for a while on why teenagers should live holy lives, and that’s what killed me today. The preach. Never mind the little play I did playing the role of Joseph for the whole Nativity scene, the preach was what killed me. For twenty minutes straight I went on about how a teenager should live, and why they should live it. And honestly, I could feel the phonyness seeping from my mouth. So goddamn phony. And the worse part - the worst part - was how enthusiastic I seemed about it. I picked up my mum’s bible, approached the altar and began to pray. And when I started I had a bit of a laugh and gave a backstory to how the pastor called me at nine in the morning, and everyone laughed, too. And I really gave strong religious reasons as to why teenagers should live more holier, and how bad our society is, and this, and that. And how things are so different back in Nigeria, and how partying with ill intentions is bad. And this, and that. And it was just so goddamn phony. I believed nothing of that. And they nodded, and people shouted “Yes,” and “Amen” and believed in what I said. And that made it even worse. I didn’t accept a word I said. I care for literally none of that stuff. Genuinely don’t. I felt so damn fake with all those words coming out of my mouth and me standing at the altar and all. But what killed me the most - what really, really hurt inside - was how pleased my mother looked as I stood there going on about this and that. She really was happy. And I couldn’t help but smile back at her at one point and continue preaching. And I mentioned at one point how inspiring and amazing she was as a mother, and how I thank God for her life. “God”, that pushed things further than needed be. And when things were over everybody clapped and shook my hand and congratulated me for this goddamn amazing preach that even some of them couldn’t do themselves. First thing, I really didn’t care much for their praise, I improvised on the spot with a little help from last-minute use of the internet. And second, them praying over me about how I’ll become this really amazing spiritual preacher and stuff really sort of annoyed me. In the sense that I really was wasting their time. I really was. Last week I said that I hoped this would clarify things. It clarified shit-all. In fact, it didn’t help at all. I didn’t believe a word I said. I just couldn’t accept their Amens from my prayers. My prayers were so phony. Ah, man. I really do wish that I’d done this entry a bit earlier, I would have absolutely fucked this entry up. And I would have enjoyed it. I really don’t want to let my mum down though.

Anyhow, afterwards we’re suddenly out again to take a family photo I had no clue about until an hour or so before. So we jump home, put on our blazers and are out again. It’s been months since all five of us have been in the car together on a journey somewhere. And even though I didn’t say much and listened to music, it was nice. We all get along well, but we do complain and fight with each other. But all in a brotherly sense. The photo studio was at the back of some restaurant, it was a really random place to have it. They’re supposedly up and coming and so for now they’ve been using this space before expanding. That’s what they said anyway. I didn’t care much, I just wanted the photos done. I’d like to think they came out well, too. I smiled in all of them because the photographer asked us to. I hope they come out well.

And when we got home we ordered some Indian, and goodness me, it was delicious. I’ve never really had Indian before so this was something entirely new. And it was absolutely beautiful. Ah, man.

And oh, my little brother was going through a collection of really old photos I hadn’t seen. I’ve gone through a lot myself but I didn’t know about these ones. He was looking around to find photos of our late father and then came across these really old images of us when we were back in Nigeria with our traditional clothing on. And they were absolutely cute. And so nostalgic. And such a blessing that we still had them. I didn’t even know we had them! Emmanuel’s literally posing in every single photo, and Martin’s doing whatever Martin does. And Daniel’s just goddamn adorable. This wasn’t my dad in this photo, and I’m the one furthest to the right:

I’m so glad he found these. I’ll go on a hunt for other ones too another time. Man, so glad he found these. Glad to see I’m in pictures with my dad, too. Didn’t think I had much photos with him.

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

Mumford & Sons - Ghosts That We Knew.

It’s some time in the morning and, well, yeah. We’re still here, too. Us lads. Myself, Rittim, Jules, Sadian, Mikael, Harry and Ashley. The party was good, if you wanted to know. I had a good fucking time. Shit got fucked up though. We’re watching How I Met Your Mother at the moment and things have died down. Good night though.

So anyway, it’s evening and I head out to find Sadian at Stratford Station because he doesn’t know the area. Oh, Rittim and Ashley hosted a party at Rittim’s second home. It’s a sort of SIX BEDROOM hotel and it looks fucking amazing. There’s ensuites in a lot of the rooms and there’s three floors. I knew he had money but I didn’t know he fucking had a second home like this. Anyway about it being a good night, it was more of a lad laugh and y’know… Ah man, I’m really struggling to write this. Anyway it was a smaller thing compared to what’ll be going on next Friday, but you’ll have to wait for that until the time comes. People from Seven Kings came like Serena and Sabrina and Zahra and Claire and Mikael and others, but overall it was about fifteen of us.

Let me tell you about the cold though; the cold that almost killed all of us. His house has had a problem with the heating and there was both no water or heating and people were in dresses on were cold at first. It got better obviously. But yeah, it was good. The music was a mixture of like club and then sort of rave music and well, like, the type you’d grind on a girl with. And there was a bit of grinding, I’ll give you that. “Bend over, bend over, bend over.” Haha. They sure did. Sometimes you’re quite glad that you can do some dancing. I mean, I’m no dancer but I can do some stuff. Anyway, that lasted a while and it felt hotter. And there were drinks of course. And oh, there’s these two guys I met; Jules and Dominic. Good guys. Hilarious guys, Dominic especially. I could go on about how some people kissed some, and how people had a grind on others, but it’s sort of what’s expected when it comes to parties. Don’t think I didn’t take part in any of these, aha. 

But that’s not the best bit. I think the best bit was the way Mikael and Dominic and Sadian were just so gone. I mean, they were absolutely gone. We found Mikael upstairs on the floor laying in his vomit, and in fact he was freezing near to death. That bit wasn’t funny. I slept with him to keep him warm for the rest of the night after that. Anyway, that’s Mikael gone. And I mean gone gone. At one point he fell asleep whilst standing up and his eyes were rolled back. And he was foaming at one point too. He doesn’t know his limit, but I mean, he’s fine now. 

And then there’s Dominic. I was with him in the toilet for the most part too handing him the little water I brought with me in my bag. Ah, how glad I am I brought that bottle of water. Anyway, we’re in the toilet and he asks me to punch him and thrust my fingers into his stomach a coupla times and I do. He pukes eventually and, well, yeah. That lasted about an hour, but he was pretty damn appreciative and that made me feel good, aha. But well, yeah… I’m really struggling to write this. Sadian did a Hyper Beam on the wall with his vomit. And that was a killer. Anyway, I did a lot of cleaning and helping out, and after waking up after sleeping with Mikael I further helped clean and made some eggs for the lot. And oh, Jules had some of the “crazy stuff”, if you know what I mean. I’m talking pupil dilation shit. Cool guy nonetheless. And now here I am. 11:53am.

It’s 00:44 and I’ve just got back from Rebecca’s. She invited me to her 17th last year but I had to decline some days before, this time there was no disruptions and so I came. Plus it wouldn’t have been right to not go this time. Anyway, before Rebecca’s and after leaving heading out with Rittim and the lot I then headed down to Ilford for Sabiha, Aysha, Jahedul and Maria’s thing. They invited me and Sadian to their birthday thing at Nandos down in Ilford, and it was nice. I’m glad they were enjoying themselves. I was, too. I mean I was pretty hungry so the meal did do me well. Plus they really did appreciate our company. I’m glad they did. I took a lot of photos with Maria smiling, and I know that shouldn’t be all that significant, but it is. Trying to improve that self-image of myself. Feels good, I’ll admit. Helium on the bus home too, always a laugh.

After heading home for a change of clothes and a trip to the bathroom I headed right back out again to Rebecca’s. And it was better than I expected. It was a much smaller occasion, too. Ailie, Sandy, Mikael, Bridget, Kia, Jessica, Sadian, Karanjit, Danielle, Kiran, Rebecca herself and I. Shakeela, too. Sandeep wanted a shout out, here she goes. *Fist bumps and And the area we stayed in was pretty compact. And it took everyone quite a while to loosen up but once we all did it was really good. The dancing was fun. And I mean it, aha. It was pretty much like it was at Rittim’s yesterday, so I wasn’t complaining. And her parents were so kind and welcoming, it was almost a little odd. And they didn’t mind all the drinks. In fact there was more than enough, we didn’t even get through half of it all. I don’t talk to Brinda and Kia much in school. I do talk a bit with Jessica, but not so much the other two. But they were really good dancers, if you wanted to know. Ailie, too, and that came as a real shock. I bet it also came as a real shock when the two of us got a little close and kissed. Not so much because of what happened, but more so just the fact that it was the two of us, and that we’re quite close as friends. It’s a memory we’ll look back on and have a laugh over at school, perhaps. But it was good overall. Sadian, Kiran, Mikael and Karanjit enjoyed themselves a lot and nobody gave in to the alcohol. Not like yesterday night where Mikael began to foam whilst on the floor. Man, that was so scary. I ran upstairs at one point to find him sleeping standing up, and his eyes had rolled all the way back. That killed me. Harry and I ran back down near-shitting ourselves. And at least there was heating and water at Rebecca’s. And there was Dominos Pizza. I was satisfied greatly.

Apologies for my recent posts being all confusing and all. I can’t seem to get myself completely around them as of recently. I’m missing out too much of my days and that doesn’t help at all. Or I’m forced to stop half way. That doesn’t help at all either. Ah, man, I’ll try harder.

Times when you’ve got a lot of gatherings are good. Rittim wants us to have more of these house things, and I agree. We should. It brings us all closer and we really do have a laugh, and I hope it goes on and on. 

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

So it’s 08:01 and I’ll probably be late. This will be my first late in a couple weeks too. Bummer. Anyway, I’m still somewhat grateful for yesterday’s conversation. I need to call up some friends like Le-My or Susan or someone who I haven’t seen in ages. Catching up is good. I should also definitely try my game day thing again. It’s all troublesome with all the homework and my A2 exam in January. We spoke about the Butterfly Effect yesterday too, and I’m so glad we did. I’m constantly thinking of this effect. Constantly. Say I didn’t walk down and approach Choi-Ha and Le-My during my year 9 Queen Mary maths course, things will have been so different. Me and Michael and Tu and Tony didn’t talk or know of each other for a year starting secondary, but say I didn’t go out of my way to change my who I hung with or didn’t speak to them. Things will have been so different. And then what if I didn’t take Maths or History for A levels, or GCSE? I wouldn’t have as similar a friendship I do right now with Shabeena or Shobikkan. And I’m sure my friendship with Sadian wouldn’t exactly be the same without Choi and Leems, and then I wouldn’t have met Kevin or Yusuf or Abdullah and so on. I love describing my moments of the Butterfly effect, I’ll be sure to mention them more.

Today morning Emmanuel was still up, again. I was changing in the dark while he attempted to sleep and we softly listened to some jazz, and it felt nice. Jazz is really something. Especially in the darkness of your bedroom at seven in the morning.

And it’s now 20:07 and I need to head out to go to a party. I don’t have time to finish this off so I’ll have to do so tomorrow. Or maybe the day after, I’ll be out for the most of the day tomorrow, too.

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.

Yesterday was a fine day. I got up around 5:30 in the morning and arrived at school by 7:15. It was dark as hell and extremely foggy in the early morning. The school field looking so eerie, it was amazing. And I was the only student in school at the time. I was the only one walking past the field, and it was nice. And the cleaner in the private study room was lovely and congratulated me on my university offer. Ah, right. I got an offer from SOAS to study Law at the university. It’s my first offer so far and the only reply I’ll be getting for a while. They want A*AA but I expected that. I don’t mind all that much, the other universities want the same anyway.

My lessons went fine too. The coursework side of History was okay yesterday. I mean it was okay, nothing special, nothing new. Just Shobikkan and I having some laughs over the character Chad (Sado) from Bleach and his uselessness and longness of move names (Brazo Izquierda del Diablo, Brazo Derecha de Gigante), and taking out a new book on Japan to take notes from. Geography was alright, too. We uh- we uh-… Tsunamis. Work on tsunamis. Psychology was alright, I guess. It doesn’t interest me all that much. Whether criminals are born and made an all. I kinda think they’re made, but there’s definitely an influence of genetics that influence the vulnerability of someone to anger that could be the basis for violent criminal acts. There’s loads of arguments and to be frank, I really don’t give a care. The next two periods were fine. I forgot what happened at lunch or break, probably because not much did. I didn’t do any work at period four. Or did I? I don’t remember. We had the magazine for the fifth period and we sorta just hung out with the university student Mairi supervising it all. We even have her number now to keep in touch with her. She’s a lovely person and she goes to LSE. Pretty damn amazing.

After school myself along with Sadian headed to the library. There, some girls were commenting on his hair as we walked on by. “Oh my God, that hair is sexy.” And it went on for a while, and they’d walk by awkwardly until at one point they approached us and began to talk to us. They’re a year below us and thought we were a year below them. A bit offensive. But they seemed nice. They know this guy in the year below, Dara, that goes to Seven Kings. They have some history with him. I think I’ll ask him about it. Hina and Claudia, right, right. We got bored and decided to head to Westfield. And again, I said that I’ll meet someone I know. Lo and behold, I see Mohamed in a matter of seconds. Seems like he was buying a gift for the missus. Aysha and Sabiha were also there too and they were at Build-A-Bear creating bears for some year twelves. They bought us food, actually. That was lovely of them. A foot-long Subway sandwich. Lovely of them. Rittim and Choi-Ha and Sandeep were at Westfield, too. Just everyone there at once man, damn.

Time went on by and we went back and headed to the youth centre. And it was nice. I didn’t do all that much but play ping pong and rod hockey with Tyrell. I hung with Mo’ a little, too, but he didn’t seem all that happy today. That made me a little down, if you wanted to know the truth. Tyrell never stops playing ping pong or whatever you throw at him. And when he’s done he’ll even stand still at the station you’ve left him at, or he’ll go to a chair and sit in it with his legs crossed. Talking to May and Greta and Dion and Georgina and Aysha and Ellie and them lot was funny, too. Going on about having a sex room when they’re older and what not. And oh, it was Alex’s birthday today. I’m not quite sure what condition he has but he’s a lovely person. They ordered a lot of pizza and we sorta threw ourselves at it. I wasn’t all that up for eating cake though, it just wasn’t in me today. It was nice. 

The journey home was as per usual. I’m still staring into the derelict house I walk last on my way home expecting a ghost or a face or some figure. Nothing ever shows though. It’s a little creepy looking into it but I can’t help but do so. I do so every time. One day, just one day I’ll have someone looking back at me. Or something. 

And I don’t even remember what I did at home yesterday. Kyle slept over yesterday (and he’s actually sleeping over today, too). 

And then there’s today. Got to school at a reasonable time, lessons were average. History was a laugh as usual, my independent studies were fine. I had a good and odd talk with Harry in the morning, had a funny Psychology lesson in the computer rooms where Serena and Emily secretly looked at dresses on the web. My fourth period was spent doing work. My fifth was the actual Geography lesson which went fine. And then Ailie and Harry and Afshan and Sadian and I think Choi-Ha, too, with me behind for a while as Ailie helped me organise my work. well no, I didn’t keep them behind, and in fact they all left before me. I think. I’ve forgotten already. It was Aadesh’s birthday today, too. Happy birthday. Technically I’ve known him the longest out of all those I know in Seven Kings. He went to my nursery and primary school (the first before leaving at year two).

Either way I headed off to the library, and then I got a WhatsApp message from Shabeena asking if I was at the library or not. I was, and she came over some time later. And God, oh God, was this the highlight of my day. It’s been so long since we last had a major catch up. After I dropped Maths and she dropped History we were no longer in the same lessons anymore. And it’s a shame because she was such a joy to talk to. I mean it. She’s a joy. The ultimate joy. She’s just so swell and nice and smart. Very smart. And we just connected so well. I mean, one conversation would flow into another, and then another. And that’s exactly what happened today. We essentially spent around three hours straight talking. We were supposed to work but it didn’t quite work out. Haha. But it was a really, really nice talk. God, we spoke about just about everything. From our lessons to friends to her job and to her visit to Pakistan for a year (that was actually supposed to be permanent).  To our taste in music to the dilemma I had with my hair line (having a drawback for  while) to our distaste in Apple products other than the iPod. We’re such Androidists. That’s not a word but it is now. And oh, aha, it reminds me of Christian. How Christian is a term being used for multiple things. Like, Shabeena told me of this “Christian” she did some time back when she was caught on her phone and managed to bullshit her way out of it by pulling a Christian. During our talk she mentioned a Christian again, but this time in the sense that I’m the type that’s really social-able, and not “begging” it at all when it comes to talking to people out of a comfort zone. Not so much a comfort zone, actually, but rather, say, year twelves. In the sense that most year thirteens haven’t bothered trying to talk to them. She says it’s a good thing, and I think so too. Back when I was in year twelve I loved it when year thirteens spoke to us. I see no harm doing the same to them, they’re a swell bunch. Some of them are, anyway. Our talk about friends were really interesting, actually. Talks of not really having a “best friend” but rather groups of close friends. It’s exactly the same with me, to be honest. I’ve never had a real “best friend” and it doesn’t bother me, but rather I have close groups like my Michael lot or the trio. But then I also have others, more so individuals that are sort of groups within themselves. Like Sadian or Shobikkan, and how her and I have never really been the type to stick to just one friend group. We mean that in the sense that if someone were to ask me who I hung out with the most you’d expect them to call us a bit of a drifter. Except the fact that there’s this built up image of Sadian and I being a bit of a couple. Which isn’t the image I want. Not at all. In fact, it’s increasingly annoying. I’m an individual and I don’t need others referring to him as “Christian Two”, or Your Other Half or Where’s The Other One. Not at all. That’s never been how it is. It wasn’t back in Secondary with Tu and the lot and it shouldn’t be now. I have friend groups and I appreciate all of them, but I’m not the type that would like to be defined by or referred to with one group. Not at all. I’m associated with them, yeah, but that’s not to say I don’t have other friends. That’s what I want to get across, and that’s not the exact image that’s been getting across to others - that I don’t have any other friends, no - but rather because I’m constantly seen with, say, Sadian for example then there’s this built up image of us being a pair. And it’s not like that with any other friends I’ve ever known, so that’s a little weird. Not even with Tony back in secondary when I’d chew his face casually in front of others. It’s not like myself and other friends have ever been dependent on each other either. I don’t know. Me and Shabeena just enjoy friend groups but not to be referred to as that person within that friend group. 

But our conversation was lovely, and it went on for so long. And at times we’d be talking over each other because we had just that much to talk about. We really haven’t spoken properly in ages. I should be going to the library with her tomorrow too and it’ll be good again. We’ll do work this time though. We promise. We’ll time ourselves and give ourselves working time and talking time. We’ll get it done, I swear. Ah, Shabeena. I sort of hinted how she was the one that got me into a lot of the music I was into now, and at one point we were discussing guys and girls and makeup and clear skin and how a lot of guys are into this person or that person. And then I mentioned her and how there’s a unanimous opinion of her and how appreciated she is as a person. I guess it’s just because she’s an all round person. I’d like to think that there’s a similar idea about me for others. I don’t know. I’d like to believe it.

Even after we’d left the library we had a brief call to finish up some conversations, haha. It’s all swell. And as I got off the bus whilst giving Ramya a response to her query on the Social Mobility Foundation my arm almost got caught by the door. Lucky me I guess. I blame her. Aha. And on the walk home I glared at that house again. Honestly, one day something will drag me into that house and I will never show up again. It’s just so eerie and uncomfortable. But I can’t help but look into its dark and broken windows and hope to see something appear.

I don’t know. I’m just tired, I guess. Two days in one.

Until Tomorrow…

-FallenLegacy.