Saturday, December 22, 2012
Bombay Bicycle Club - Dust On The Ground.
I guess a lot has happened these past two days. I’ve also experienced some ups and downs, but I’ll get to that. I don’t expect anyone to read all of this. Except my future children: you better read everything.
I didn’t go into school on Friday. This Friday to mark the end of the school term the school was to be open up until break time. And I only have one period before break time on Fridays and so I thought fuck it. And so that’s why I didn’t go in. And with my rebel movements I was able to go shopping with Emmanuel in the morning. And it’s nice to go around with him, I’ll tell you that. The older we become the less we’re able to do things together such as shopping and going places. When we were younger, Emmanuel and Martin would take Daniel and I to our nearby park - West Ham Park - and just let us lounge around or buy ice cream. My mum would come every now and then too. But anyway, yeah. Having older brothers is a blessing. Emmanuel and I roamed around Westfield looking for various things, and in that time I saw at least five people I knew. I saw Rameesha and Rajvir and some year twelves and some people I know outside of school. And I wondered why they were out shopping this early in the morning. Emmanuel bought me a shirt and a pair of shoes and we bought Daniel games: Kingdom Hearts 3DS and Heroes of Ruin. Well not the former because it was sold out at the place, but we’ll get it some time this week. Emmanuel’s bought himself a Netbook so his gift is out of the way. No clue what Martin is getting. And our mum’ll be getting something soon. This is by far the least festive Christmas yet. We don’t even have our Christmas tree up. We’ve always had it up like a month early. We’re not growing out of the festive season, no, just this time nothing has happened yet.
And so when all of the shopping was over I headed back to my area and had a bit of a trim. After relaxing my hair it shot out of control and so, yeah, I got a trim. It looks how it normally looks anyway. But cleaner and more taken care of. And then in good time I got myself right out and headed to Rittim’s second house down in Plaistow. The party, remember? I’d been hyping up this day for a while in these entries. But I’m here early. Five hours early. And at the house is Rittim, Florence and Harry and we’re just setting things up and testing out the strawberry-scented fog machine, lightings, the LED balloons and candles and what not. Florence had to leave to go home and change and do other things but the three of us stayed around. And then we went to get some food and on the journey there Rittim mentioned the story of this one time he was more-or-less mugged. I’ve been mugged once, if you want to know the truth. I don’t talk about it. I never talk about it. Not that I’m ashamed - to be frank I don’t care much about what happened - I just see no reason to deliberately open up about shit like that. But I told them, and it was the first time I’d told someone. I only told them because Rittim spoke about his. I won’t mention it right now because I’m not in the mood for it. But I might eventually. It isn’t a big deal though. Muggings are never a big deal. Especially when I see the guy randomly in my area a lot, and he sees me.
Anyway, we’re back at the house and with hours to waste we watch Project X. Project X is a fucking sick movie. It’s about this “loser” kid and his two friends who plan to gain popularity by throwing a party, a plan which quickly escalates out of their control. He goes high school and basically throws the sickest house party ever. And the house gets so fucked up but it’s just so goddamn sick that even the pissed off dad is kinda happy about it by the end of it. “The party you’ve only dreamed about.” It’s a pretty damn sick film. I’d say if you want to get a little hyped for a party then watch this beforehand. Do not that the party would never be like this one, though. Can’t raise expectations that high.
And then in the following hours people began to come on in. Just guys though. Mimi was the first girl to arrive. Oh, the party started at seven, but you know that nobody ever arrives on time. She did though. People did slowly seep in. Sivarim and Rajan came too and with them was their smell of food. They’d smoked themselves clean. Boy, they really enjoyed themselves. Girls. There were a lot but I really can’t be bothered to name them. We had red cups too, and fuck, it looked amazing. Harry and I were bartenders for the night. Or for the start of the night anyway, mixing drinks and handing them to people and what not. You basically had about forty of us in the house. It was basically a Seven Kings’ party with people like Mamta, Florence, Rameesha and others there. Mirela and Dominic and Jules, too. Ah, Mirela. Choi-Ha and Le-My came, too, and Shobikkan and Serena and just about anyone that spoke to Leems really enjoyed her company. She got so overly happy about that over the phone, aha. Because I can’t be bothered to name names just make the image of silhouettes in your head dancing in the fog and flashing strobe lights. The whole vibe of the party was really, really good. I mean I really enjoyed myself. And we had our own rooms. I did anyway. Harry, Ashley and others did too. And on our doors we had our own little “Do Not Disturb” signs with our names over it. Mine said “Christian’s Lair”, and under it: “Apple Cinnamon scented room”, “I’d prefer Mikael you not welcome yourself in.” I’m glad Mikael took that as a joke. It was all a laugh anyway. And yes, I did literally bring in an apple cinnamon scented candle to give my room a good smell. And people loved it. Girls did, I’ll admit. Mimi was in my room for a while, if you know what I mean. I don’t remember how I took her up but I did. And people kept knocking on my door questioning if I was with someone because I apparently disappeared from the lot for quite a while. Funny thing about my time with Mimi right: As we were heading back down into the party she stopped me and had this conversation with me,
Her: “We should take this a little further”,
Me: “Oh [… Oh ;) Just kidding.], how so?”,
Her: … “Like we should go into a relationship”,
Me: “… Oh”,
Me: “You think so?”,
Her: “Yeah, I do. But let’s talk about this tomorrow on WhatsApp when we’re sober”,
Me (sighs in relief): “Yeah, let’s do that”.
You can’t drop something like that on someone when you’re taking them back down into the party. You just can’t. After speaking with her the next day everything was sorted out. Her reasoning behind it was a little awkward to hear though. “It felt so nice so I got carried away”. It’s all fine now. All fine.
And I continued to dance with people and we all had glow sticks and the mood was really good. Outside in the garden you had people talking and taking photos (including myself) and in the kitchen you had people talking, and in the main room you had people dancing. So it was a good night. People began to leave around midnight and at that point my memory is a little hazy. A lot of just began to lounge around in each others rooms. Like a lot of us were upstairs in Rittim’s attic room on the bed or on the bed in the bedroom downstairs…
We broke the bed downstairs. There was about nine of us; Dominic, Le-My, Choi-Ha, Agim, Sadian, Karanjit, Mikael, Justin and I. It just about snapped when Serena walked into the room to say goodbye to us since she wasn’t staying. And when she came to give us a hug all of our mass focused onto the centre of the bed, and then it gave way. We’ll pay for it. The party died down, and then it was nice. More or less. Karanjit and I were in our room. He didn’t have a room of his own and I really didn’t mind him sleeping in my bed. He’s quite petite for a guy so there wasn’t any problems with spacing. We took some photos in the bed and in all of them his eyes were closed. It was hilarious. He’s a great guy. He’s the type of guy that if he approaches a girl from behind and dances with them, they wouldn’t mind. And the lighting of the room was dim, and the scent of the candle in the air. That candle. I began to stare into my for some time before Karanjit and I eventually gave into the needs of sleep. I was about to say the needs of our body, but that just sounds homosexual. We fell asleep basically.
And we woke up about an hour or so later. We didn’t sleep all that much. He had to get up early because of work and so left the room to get dressed. And in that time I sat there. It was still dark - it was the 21st/22nd and so being the Winter Solstice and all it was the longest night this year. And so I just sat upright on my bed staring into that candle again. Watching the wax slowly melt into blood. It was extremely peaceful, I’ll give you that. Very much so. Very much so until I got up and showed my face to the others. To Harry and those in his room. And there lay Mirela in the bed and Ashley and others with her. About that; at some point last night I saw them walk upstairs together. I sank a little, if you want to know the truth. But it didn’t bother me at the time. I was having too much of a good time for it to have bothered me. Either way I really didn’t want to be in that room, and so I left. Left back to my room, sat upright on my bed and just did what I did before. Mikael entered my room and I let him sleep on my bed seeing as he didn’t have a room of his own. And I continued to stare into the candle. People came and went, and things didn’t really change much. And in that time I really began to feel green. But that’s not why I was staring to the candle - not at all. I sort of fazed out of it all whilst watching the blood build up. But no, I was just thinking of some things. Like what I value in friendship, and all I want from friendships. All I want is acknowledgement. I mean, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be appreciated and valued and all. And I’ve mentioned this before. But it can hit hard when I want to be acknowledged by someone, or liked by someone and they give their attention to someone else, or they begin to value them more even though I’ve known them for longer. That really does hit hard. And I’ll sit there and have this strong feeling in my chest. God, these thoughts are so stupid. But they’re my thoughts and I take them seriously. Like for example in the room with Mirela in the bed. I couldn’t stand staying in that room. I just had to leave as soon as I could. It’s an annoying complex that I’m sure others have, too. I’d feel a little better if they didn’t though. I’d prefer this to be my own thing, but I’m sure it isn’t. This is something many people share. I couldn’t stand to be in that room as a passer-by. As someone who really wasn’t in the group. With them all talking and all and me just standing there. Not when I want to feel more involved and know that it wouldn’t work out that way. It’s not so much jealousy, mind you. It just makes me feel sad. It’s a horrible feeling. But it’s not too bad, I guess. I don’t ask too much from a friendship. But it can hurt a little when close friends are invited to things by another group of yours that you’re not invited to yourself. And so I can’t stand it sometimes when I’m around someone that purposely craves attention from people. Well, no, not quite. I’m struggling to explain this. With Bon Iver and Otis Redding and The Jackson 5 playing, it doesn’t help the mood at all. I mean, Mirela is just an example of it all. When you want to be acknowledged by someone that everything beforehand becomes irrelevant. For example, sure, I was with Mimi for a while, but because I couldn’t have time alone to talk to Mirela whom I was really glad came, for a while it really did feel like everything before that had become irrelevant. That I really didn’t care about any of my times with people in my room. I don’t think I have a good image around Mirela either. It’s been almost a year since we last met up sober. When we did, we met up at Starbucks with Afshan and Maddie. That was nice. I sort of want to meet up with her this holiday and have a thing just with the two of us. Just to change things. It’s a stupid complex, mind you. But it’s a complex I have. I can feel so fragile at times. It’s such a fucking annoying feeling. Don’t get me wrong though, it’s only when it’s someone I want to be acknowledged by. If I’m not doing something with a group I don’t care too much for then I really don’t care. Like, I really don’t. I don’t care if most people feel this way either, if you want to know the truth. Most people, not all.
Anyway, I didn’t leave my room for some time. I didn’t really want to go out and check out everyone in the other rooms - I’m not an extension of a friend. Like I won’t stand there not wanting to say something and just laugh about things others are talking about. Don’t fuck with me at all, that’s the last thing I’ll be. I’d rather be in my own room in silence staring into a fucking candle than be an extension of a friend. Even if only one or two people say hey to me in my room it’s still much better than being an extension of a friend. Or a passer-by. Nothing is worse than being a passer-by. Or a hoverer. Or if someone welcomes you in because they feel bad. Don’t piss me off. Anyway, again, I didn’t do much. I sat on the bed complaining when people turned on my light or left the door too open. At one point my room became an orchestra. That was somewhat annoying. Why some people hung around in my room I don’t know. I mean, I didn’t mind too much but I did just want to watch the blood rise. It’s not like I minded everyone that came in. It was nice seeing Le-My and Choi and Mirela and others come and say hey. But I just wanted some time to continue withdrawing myself from everyone. I just felt so distant already that I just didn’t want anything else at the time. I loved that candle. I was quite shy around some people that morning too. They may have no realised, but I was. I just hid under the duvet and listened to music. Bombay Bicycle Club, Yoko Kanno and others. Mikael played some Bob Marley. That was amazing. The Jackson 5 too. That was even more amazing. It’s a shame I couldn’t experience a group like that in my generation. But it became an annoying room to sit in. I mean, I love Ed Sheeran and all but I idn’t ask for my room to become a choir. That killed me. It always kills me when my room becomes an orchestra room.
I said goodbye to Mirela and the others when they began to leave. I was with different girls last night but who I wanted to hang out with the most was Mirela. Not in a perverted way at all. Just some time within all that hype and music to sit down in a room and catch up. I wouldn’t call it a crush at all. But to know that she was in a room with Ashley for so long killed inside. Regardless of what they did in there - Mirela isn’t exactly the type to do the things I overthought about though. It’s like you can get with others but if you don’t get with the one you ultimately want and they’re snatched then it does hurt. It hurts to think about all the things they did in that time. It did at the time anyway. I mean it’s fine now and I don’t really care about that anymore, but still. I’ll be sure to buy more candles by the way.
The more you withdraw the more silent and cold it becomes. And then when people do visit you it just feels that more distant. That more cold. And then you do want to join the group again but by then it’s far too late. And I didn’t want people to purposely think I was doing this. Oh no, I just wanted to stare into my goddamn candle. I hate it when that happens. Everyone questions you whenever you want to stare into a goddamn apple cinnamon scented candle melting into blood. I don’t know. Listening to I’ll Be There by The Jackson Five just makes it a little more down than it needs be.
Anyway, people hung around in my room and various rooms and I made an inch of effort to talk. I couldn’t really remain all that withdrawn anymore. Until more people began to leave. And then it was just Justin (Harry’s mate), Harry, Sadian and Rittim in my room. And music played out loud from my phone and we didn’t really say much. But it was fine. Just a bunch of guys in a room, I guess. Justin fucking works for GlaxoSmithKline, how fucking crazy is that? He’s our age, too. GlaxoSmithKline is the largest pharmaceutical company in the UK, and the fourth-largest in the world. That’s so sick. And oh, by the way I have nothing against Ashley. I have nothing against anyone. They’re all good people. I took two red cups and left eventually with the final lot of us. There, Ashley, Sadian and I bought some food. On the way there Ashley asked if the two of us were “best friends”. I guess some people in my year think like that, too. I clarified that we weren’t and that we were just close friends as I am with others. And I bought some Bonjela because I had this insane ulcer building up. The ulcer was so painful I had to eat the food with only one side of my mouth. I asked Ashley if he thought of anyone as close too and he told me of how a lot of the people he talks to are only acquaintances to him. And I respect that. I think that a lot with people I talk to. Most people I talk to in Seven Kings are acquaintances, and nothing more. A lot of them I don’t see me talking to after I head off to university. But that’s how it is and how it is with most people. Emmanuel talks to one or two people from Seven Kings. I don’t think Martin talks to any at all. Props to Rittim. #EndOfTheWorldParty2012.
Anyway, I eventually got home and the first thing I did was fall asleep. I set an alarm for an hour but I slept for about two and half. And so I woke up around ten past six. And I totally flew out of bed to prepare myself for this dinner Sandeep organised that night. “That night”. This entry is being written on Sunday. It’s Sunday at the moment. But when it arrives on the blog it’ll say that it was posted on a Saturday. I can alter the dates. And so I put on clothes and headed out. I was pretty damn tired though. And when I left the house, Glass In The Park began to play. And it was dark and the rain sprinkled the sky, and it wasn’t cold. It was alright. And on my way to Sandeep’s I called Mamta and she met me at her bus stop. She’d left her spare shoes at the party and so I gave them to her. I waited at the bus stop for a little bit but it was cute to see her run down the road in her home clothes. Hers are cute. My home clothes are ugly, aha.
And I eventually got to Sandeep’s, and it was nice. It really, really was. Like it was better than what I expected. It was a small group. Sandeep, Zahrah, Mikael, Kiran, Sadian, Agim, Tony (Kiran’s friend), Florence, Shelana, Daniel, Josh, Karanjit and me. And the food people brought in was delicious. I didn’t bring anything in myself but others did, and it was lovely. Mikael made the most amazing chicken curry thing. I mean it. I really wanted to take the bowl for myself and take it all down my throat. That sentence doesn’t sound right, aha. But no, yeah, it was really good. Sandeep’s house is really lovely and she has a little cat. And she has a room in the back with dozens and dozens of books. You look at the books and think, “wow, I’d like to read them all one day.” And on her fridge read “walk away fatty” and an image of a model. Inspiration for weight loss, I suppose. The food was nice, the drinks provided were lovely. We pulled Christmas crackers and we danced a little to music. The photos were lovely and there was even a “mistletoe” people had a little cheeky kiss under. A lot of people sort of cancelled out on Sandeep last minute, so I’m really glad this worked out well. And Mikael played the guitar for us at one point and we all sang to it. To Hey Ya, to I’m Yours. And we all sat on the couches and talked about each other. About how we all met and the first times we spoke and what we saw of each other when we first met. I was considered “that whore that spoke to everybody”. It was lovely though. I’m surprised they still remember. And we played a lot of old school R&B from the first half of the recent decade. I’m not really for naming songs right now but you can literally give “old school r&b 2000” a search on Google and we would have been singing songs like that. Zahrah complimented me on my music taste, how I knew songs from Indie to these old songs we all grew up on. And I like that about my taste too. That way I’m never really lost when it comes to parties because I know just about all the songs. Maybe not the lyrics but definitely the songs. Sometimes you really just need to get away from parties and school and life and have a small lovely dinner like this. It was a lovely night and I thank her for it. And I’m glad it worked out so well. She had a little panic attack when so many people cancelled last minute. But they missed out on a lovely night.
The journey home pissed me off. Agim and I journeyed home together seeing as we both travel the same way, and he went on and on about how he should have went with Mirela, and how Ashley snatched her up before him. For fuck sake. Why I tolerate people, I don’t know. He was on about how she was “on him” and how she was “so happy when I took her away from Ashley for a bit”, and- and oh my God, shut the fuck up. I don’t have anything against the conversation itself because it’s not like I’d tell him anything about my thoughts on Mirela anyway. He’s not the type that cares about what you have to say. That’s my take on him. You’ll say something and he’ll be ever so quick to; one, counter it; two, give his own elongated story about something I really don’t care for. And then he’d constantly refer back to how people were “on him”. On Him. For fuck sake. Nobody was on him. I wasn’t always upstairs, I saw what was going on a lot. And it’s like this with every occasion. Camping, Sarah’s party, Sarah’s little hang out down in Wanstead Flats. Honestly, nobody is EVER on him. And so when he has the nerve to say that Mirela was on him, that infuriated me. No, to say that he thought Shobikkan was “on” Le-My when he “left them to talk” pissed me off. But he doesn’t know much when it comes to stuff like this, you can’t blame him. He can go on about politics and other stuff and sound smart and all - I don’t really find him smart sounding, but others do - but when it comes to stuff like this he’s essentially making a fool of himself because his perception of things are always the opposite of it. I don’t enjoy ranting about people so I’ll stop right there. Being able to tolerate people is a good thing. You never really see the benefits of it until you’ve left them. For example, this one guy that went to my secondary school called Thabit was one of the most annoying people at times. He’d talk to me and I’d talk back, but I never really enjoyed it. But at the end of our final school year he thanked me. He’s a tall, built guy, and he thanked me. He said he was annoying and I said that he was, but it didn’t bother him that I did by the end of it. And that’s a lovely feeling. To know that they appreciated the friendship even if I didn’t all that much. I look back at it now and to be honest, he was a decent guy.
And just like the final paragraph in The Catcher In The Rye, I think I’ll sort of miss everybody I told about in this. It’s funny. Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
Thank you for reading.
Take care, thank you and sweet dreams. Goodnight.
“Self-praise is for losers. Be a winner. Stand for something. Always have class, and be humble.” - John Madden
“Insanity is sane.”